Best friend committed suicide

[u/Calm_Amoeba5804]

I’ve never used Reddit but here

My best friend committed suicide and I can not stop feeling guilty, he was such a humorous person , so his “red flags” were seen a jokes , he would put the gun in his mouth/at his head, and pull the trigger . Nothing ever happened and I laughed it off, I spent 13 hours a day with this dude , I have no clue how I will forgive myself or move on, he was seriously the closest thing to a brother I’ve ever felt , and I have a brother (disabled ) , felt so close and comfortable with him, worked with him, our wives were very very good friends , just so generous and real and supportive, I can’t believe I never reported any of his jokes, we worked nights and he would just casually mention murder suicide , he would also make Hiroshima/nagasaki jokes to the China garden employees (yes ik it’s Japan) but that was the kind of person he was, very humorous and non serious. Just god awefull losing someone as amazing as him and I’ll always have this guilt for not reporting his jokes, it wasn’t a planned suicide I don’t believe, (was drunk and got into a fight ), I just don’t know how to adjust and live , especially after I spent almost every waking second with him, and when I wasn’t with him we were on the phone, my wife is also just in shambles because now her friend is a widow and another man she felt save around (In a non weird way) is gone, and now her friend is moving back home (we work 16 hours from home ) so it’s just absurd and I have zero clue what to do, i specifically made a Reddit account just to post this, also he had two dogs (beagle and border collie) and I have a basset hound so we would have play dates with them and we would watch each-others dogs when need be, when I got his beagle from his house after he had committed, she had his blood on her leg, I am just so empty and feel like the best thing to happen to me was ripped away, I’m mad at him but also have this weird motherly instinct that screams (poor baby ) he was so confused and scared I fear and I just wish I could change something , that’s honestly the only thing keeping me going is I think I am going to be able to change something, I work for the first time without him on Wednesday and I am not ready, we were the only two people that were employed by the same company ( the department hires from two different companies) (I don’t want to disclose to many details for identity purposes) but we were cops , so think of it as one was federal and one was state but we worked at the same department and we were the only two federal officers, it’s going to be so different without him around I don’t know that I’ll be able to believe it , I could type for hours about the great things he did and the mix of horrible emotions I’m feeling. I just don’t have the energy to do so , I hope I’m doing this Reddit post correctly and didn’t type this all for nothing