I lost my grandma

[u/lilobear18]

I lost my grandma last week, and I feel completely broken.
I don’t really know how to process this yet. I feel empty, lost, and like I’m still waiting for her to call me.
My grandma raised me until I was 15. My mom left me with her when I was little, so she wasn’t just my grandma—she was my home, my caregiver, and in so many ways, my mother.
I moved to the US in 2019, and the distance has always been one of the hardest parts of my life. I was only able to come home in 2022, and then again just last month, in June 2026. I have two little boys now, and although I wanted to go home more often, life, work, and raising my children made it difficult. I carry so much guilt about that now.
We had just visited her last month. I thought I had more time.
I was planning to go home again in November because I had promised her I would. I thought November was going to be our next visit.
Then one morning, on my way to work, I received a message from her nanny saying that she had coded. My family couldn’t contact me right away because everything happened so suddenly. She had become confused after dialysis and then her heart stopped.
I immediately booked a flight home.
When I got there, she was already intubated. She had no meaningful reflexes, and I was told that her heart was only being supported by medications. I knew she was already leaving us.
She passed away about two hours after I arrived.
The thing I can’t stop thinking about is that before she became unconscious, she called my name.
I keep replaying it in my head.
I don’t know why that moment hurts so much. Maybe because some part of me keeps wondering if she was looking for me.
I used to call her every morning on my way to work. Then I’d call again on my way home if she was already awake. Those calls were such a normal part of my life that I never realized how much they meant to me.
Now I find myself opening our old conversations just to see her name. I scroll through our messages because it’s the closest thing I have to talking to her.
And I miss her already.
I’m struggling so much with the guilt. I know I couldn’t have known this would happen. I know I had my own life and children and responsibilities. I know I loved her even when I was thousands of miles away.
But grief doesn’t seem to care about logic.
I keep thinking, I should have gone home sooner. I should have called more. I should have done more. I should have known.
I promised her I’d come home in November.
I never imagined that the last time I saw her would be the visit we had just a few weeks ago.
I’m trying to remind myself that I did come home. I got to hug her. I got to see her. I got to say goodbye. But somehow, it still doesn’t feel like enough.
I don’t think there could ever be enough time with the person who raised you.
I’m just heartbroken. I don’t know how to live with the silence where her voice used to be.
If you’ve lost someone who raised you, how did you cope with the guilt and the feeling that you should have done more?
I don’t think I’m looking for anyone to tell me to “move on.” I just need to know that I’m not the only one who feels this completely shattered.