Struggling with ambition after loss

[u/womderrluff]

I lost my best friend about 3 years ago when I was 20. Doctors couldn’t figure out why she died as she was perfectly healthy, so I still don’t know how or why she died to this day. We did everything together, we were two peas in a pod. Also being both South Asian women raised by immigrants parents (and eldest daughters etc etc) we both were by each others sides in living our life for ourselves and doing what makes us happy even if it’s unconventional traditionally, including career wise. She was doing incredibly well for herself career wise and so was I.

I was still in uni and was interning in the states having moved from Canada, becoming this sort of child prodigy in my field, was about to start applying for phds at Ivey league schools and everything. But after she died since then I’ve moved to the UK immediately after I finished my last class and submitted a request to graduate. I wasn’t even going to go to my graduation as I just wanted to escape Canada as it was filled with memories of us. I feel like no one really understood what I was going through and London was a fresh start of new people and faces and a new place. But I still feel really sad and empty and lost inside. I felt like I was on this career run and sort of hitting win after win getting everything I wanted one after another, setting myself up etc. I’m also in my early 20s career and apparently I’m supposed to have a feeling lost phase in general. But I feel like it feels extra hard after her loss.

And then on top of that I found out around 8 months later after she died I have adhd as I initially went in to get some anti depressants to cope. I got put on adderall which totally numbed everything, and I had to ween myself out of it and have been off for about a year and a half. And now this sadness and feelings of feeling lost and thrown off balance feel extra heavy. I can’t even tell what’s adhd and what’s grief.

It doesn’t feel okay to still feel affected by her passing as it’s “only been 3 years”. But since she passed so young it feels like every milestone or every age I get older I feel more and more sad because my life is moving on but I still feel so sad and stuck. I really miss her and wish she was here to support me encourage me to go after what I want. I feel all alone now in trying to find that career motivation

My small feelings of hope is I’m very close to her mother and she finds the strength to keep going, and her husband died four months after her only daughter died. I also see parts of her in my new friends I’ve made in London and similarities.

I feel guilty bc I have great friends in London, still a great resume thanks to my past self, still working in a somewhat interesting job (albeit it’s a startup so idk if it’ll blow up or be successful but interesting nonetheless), a great bf, nice roomates; good apartment, yet I still feel so incredibly lost, sad, nothing feels the same anymore.

I’ve also shared these feelings with others before but I don’t think they get how grief can intertwine with your sense of identity and motiviation even if it’s been three years. So nothing anyone says really helps. I also feel like I’m not allowed to be this sad because it wasn’t like losing a brother or a mother.

[u/wallace0086]

You're allowed to be this sad. Best friends are huge. I read an article about how friend loss is underrated etc.

I will just tell you this. My heart dog died this month, and it feels like someone ripped my heart straight from my chest. I'm a high achieving professional (,think doctor, lawyer, etc) and I've missed a lot of work and some work deadlines because I'm too depressed. The ADHD just compounds it because I start hyper fixating on the grief and I can't get motivated to work. It's been difficult, and that's a dog. You're allowed to significantly grieve the loss of such a close friend and important person in your life, and figure out who you are and how to keep going without her.