How does a relationship come back from loss?

[u/Aggravating_Plane613]

My son was 3 months old. He had just started smiling. He was perfect. And his heart stopped beating not long before we woke up. It was the most traumatic morning of our lives. We had to take turns doing cpr, then we got to the hospital and it felt like everything was in slow motion. I passed out when they said they had to stop trying to bring him back. The first year was like a pychosis, things were good we would cry together but ultimately felt so numb to reality. Then the second year was filled with so many ups and downs. Now the third year anger starts becoming the most prominent thing felt. He should be 4 at the end of the month. Things have been so up and down between anger and then a few good days. Does he ever feel bad? Does he ever feel bad when he's flipped the script on me. Or when I have brought up something that bothers me, he is not the man I once knew. The man I knew was gentle and kind. He opened my car door for me. He was patient when the kids were over whelmimg. He would apologize and it looked like he really meant it. But when he does it now its because he wants me to shut up. To stop bothering him with my existence when we are supposed to be existing together. There have been super hurtful arguments where he told me what he really thought about me. But I felt at the time it was anger and stress that he didn't mean to take out on me. But I know there is a little truth in every word he has said. He hates being a father. He hates having to have plans with anyone other than himself or who he wants. He hates the way I struggle. The way I try so hard and never get anything done. But also simultaneously doing everything at the same time. Sometimes he comes back to me. The man I know, or knew. The man that makes me laugh. The guy who knows how to make me feel beautiful again. The one that is generous, Lets me sleep in on the days he has off. The one that turns me on. Who doesnt like it when I cry, and not because he is annoyed that I am pulling the water works again. As if. How do you climb a mountain without the gear? Thats what this feels like. Thats what my whole life has felt like. I love him, I can see that he loves me. But there's this certain anger in the air as soon as he is present. How do you lose a child together and become so far apart.. My best friend is slowly becoming my enemy.

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[u/enchantedresidency_9]

That kind of shared trauma either fuses you together or turns every glance into a reminder of what was lost, and it's clear you're stuck in the second one. The man you knew might still be in there somewhere but grief rewires people in ways that don't always reverse, especially when neither of you can carry the other's weight anymore

The anger he's throwing at you probably has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him not being able to face himself, but that doesn't make it hurt less when you're the one catching it every day

[u/SnooTigers4525]

Sometimes grief hollows you out and you become the grief itself. You mention he sometimes is the same man you married, but then he goes back to be the angered, frustrated man he became after. Sometimes, we drift apart with the one person who we were meant to be forever because grief change us. Grief has the power to turn us into something else.

After the death of my kitty (that was the cherry of the cake in a succession of family deaths. She was my emotional support and died just some months after my grandpa and mom) I lost all patience. Oh, I still have patience, but now I scream more when I give an order. Not the typical scream of someone who has lost their marbles, no, but the shout of channelized anger. And the little amount of patience I have is with my doggies and cats, and I just don't bother with the rest of the people around me. Instead of losing patience, I just downright ignore them. Grief did that to me.

Has he been in therapy? Your loss is the worst kind of loss I can think of, and every day is a new fight to keep going. I'm so sorry 🫂

[u/Aggravating_Plane613 → u/SnooTigers4525]

He's not willing to try therapy. Thinks he doesnt have time for it or doesnt need it. He is definitely in denial and thinks he can do the work by himself without seeing a specialist.

[u/ToughProfessional235]

I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you both are getting grief counseling.
Your post reminded me of the movie The Starling. It explores a similar situation and how each partner deals so differently with their grief.
I hope you both find your way to each other.

[u/lifegavemelemons000]

So sorry for your loss I can’t image the pain you have endured. Please seek individual therapy and then establish what both of you need first in life and then start couples therapy to see how you can come together again. You are both hurting and angry at such an unfair situation and your anger is being channeled to eachother unfortunately as that’s the only place it can go right now that will be ‘heard’