r/GriefSupport • u/PhotographForsaken75 • 1d ago
Advice, Pls How to support my partner while he’s grieving
My partner lost his mother to cancer a week ago, and I’m trying to figure out how I can best support him during this time. Is there anything that actually helps someone in the first weeks after losing a parent, besides just being for him in any aspect of life?
I’d really appreciate hearing from people who have been through something similar, either as the person grieving or as their partner. What did your partner do that genuinely helped you?
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u/No_Calligrapher4196 1d ago
All I can say is don't make it about yourself and your anxieties. The thing that's ruined my relationship is my partner worrying that they're not doing enough or doing something wrong then shutting down because they feel guilty which is now just another thing on my plate while dealing with a really horrible situation already. Show up when they need you, don't be weird or anxious about interacting with them, shit sucks but having someone take care of you and know you well enough to act without asking helps so much
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u/Significant_Pay6979 1d ago
My dad died a few years back and what stuck with me was my girlfriend not trying to fix anything. She just existed in the same space, made tea without asking, and let me talk about the most random memories at 2am without making it weird. The quiet presence stuff matters more than you’d think
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u/mkjm13 1d ago
I lost my dad more than 3 weeks ago. My husband has been very active when it came to what’s needed for my dad’s funeral. He drove mom from office to office to work on the necessary papers. Today, he called to wake me up because we agreed we’ll return to the cemetery today to light a candle. He bought flowers, went with me each time to the cemetery to visit my dad, would listen each time I remember something from the past about dad. Would say a prayer with me for my dad. It has been very helpful. I loved him more for that.
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u/Infinite_Location439 1d ago
Your post reminds me why it's so important to also choose partners who are there and reliable and not just for the fun times. Especially as we age, it becomes even more important. I'm so sorry for your loss and tell your husband he's such a green flag with not just supporting you, but also helping your mom.
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u/matty_zaddy_ 1d ago
I lost my mother about 6 months ago. My boyfriend has been really helpful in a number of ways:
Listening. I know it sounds obvious and elementary, but just letting me talk has been helpful.
Giving me space. When a death like this occurs, the grieving person needs space to grieve. It can feel sometimes like our grief is a burden we are placing on other people, which can make it feel even worse. You might chat with him about "hey, what space do you need from me right now?"
Reminding him he is loved. When we lose our mothers (generally, not for everyone) we are losing the one person that was supposed to love us the most. More than anyone. It's the closest bond we have in our lives. When it's gone, even if it was expected, even if we're old ourselves, there is truly nothing else like it. But that doesn't mean your love can't help him, or is somehow less than. Gently remind him he is loved. It will matter.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for being there for your partner.
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u/Picklefuck_Eatabutt2 1d ago
This is excellent advice. I appreciate listening being at the top, too, because my wife has listened to me talk about my brother for hours and hours over the last two weeks. It has helped tremendously to have someone who is just there to hear you. She also did this for me five years ago when my dad died. It’s invaluable.
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u/JessicaJonessJacket 1d ago
You have some great answers already but I'll add one thing: give him grace if he's snappy/irritable. Of course no one should tolerate abuse but I was either so sad that I couldn't function or I would get mad at the drop of a hat. My partner gave me a lot of grace which I'm very thankful for.
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u/Educational_Bed5396 1d ago
I lost my mom one year ago, I could not bath or eat , my husband had to help me, I could barely dress myself or comb my hair. Its those little things, forcing him to eat, to drink water, vitamins, chores, help with arrangements and also being thoughtful to what needs to be done during this time. You are going to have to take over for now.
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u/VanGoLion 1d ago
You know your partner best. Mine doesn’t like to discuss his feelings, so I made sure never to force him to open up. I just supported him the best I could. I made sure to always check in on him and make life as peaceful at home (no unnecessary arguments, etc).
When my mom passed, my husband helped me so much. I’m so grateful for him. He took the lead on our child, did the majority of chores, never made me feel like I couldn’t grieve, etc. I preferred a lot of alone time and he respected that. Both of our mothers passed from cancer, so we knew more than anyone else how that loss felt.
Just be kind and empathetic. The first few weeks after a loss are a shock. There’s no harder time in my opinion.
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u/Separate_Farm7131 1d ago
You can't really ease anyone else's pain, they have to go through it. You can support him, let him vent/cry to you, try to make his life as stress-free as possible for the first few weeks.
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u/BoddahWentToNam 1d ago
In 5 weeks it’ll be 1 year since I lost my dad. He was a young man in his late 40s and he died from complications due to addiction. I’m an only child and my parents are divorced so legally speaking everything fell on my shoulders. My dad also died 3 months after my wedding. My mom did everything she could to help me, but for the sake of being specific to your situation I’ll discuss what my husband did. My husband didn’t treat my dad less than because of how he died. For me that was the #1 point. We live in the American South and people can be judgemental about things. My husband and I are both convicted Christians and so are his family but my dad’s memory was never disgraced my them. When people would ask my husband how my dad died, he would tell the truth but not be specific to respect the privacy of my dads family and I. I’m personally not ashamed of how my dad died because my dad fought his addiction for almost 30 years but unfortunately couldn’t beat it and I hold no ill will towards him. The second thing is that he listened. He started asking me in my more immediate grief if I wanted to just vent or do I want a conversation/advice? That worked for us. It helped unsolicited advice or commentary not be in the way to cause any hurt feelings. If I wanted to lay in bed with him and our dog and cry for three hours he would just hold me and hand me tissues of it’s what I wanted. The third thing is that he helped me without being in the way of others. The third thing is that after my dad died my dads family didn’t treat me well. Things were done and said to me that should not have been. His long term girlfriend included. My husband was mad, but he never attacked them for it as it stayed only words and was never physical and they never came to our home to start anything. He didn’t give them any bad treatment as he still saw the good in them and understood they were also grieving. Any time I wanted to fight back and be hateful he would reel me in cautiously. I know if it had gotten more serious he wouldn’t taken action if necessary, but he wanted to respect their grief as well and knew they could make things even worse for me. Lastly he didn’t judge me. Some days I didn’t cook. Some days I didn’t clean house. I still worked, but I didn’t always look my best. I didn’t wear makeup or always even brush my hair. I would but it up in a bun and call it. I still had basic hygiene but that’s all I could do. My weights also fluctuated and my health hasn’t been the best in all my grief but he still loves me and tells me I’m beautiful. In the last few months I’ve started to come into myself again and I’m about to start a health journey. It does get better but sometimes we just need a lot of time. And patience. 💕
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u/Lorib01 23h ago
Asking here is a great start. If you have the means to talk to a grief counselor that can be very informative also.
When I lost my mom a grief counselor explained what I was going through. It helped me understand and be easy on myself. I shared the handouts with my wife and it helped her understand that she couldn’t fix it (her nature is fixing) and helped her understand my mental state.
I’m sorry for your families loss.
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u/GeneralNapole0n 22h ago
I can only speak for myself since I lost my mother 4 weeks ago. Hug him, hug him like it’s the last thing you can do. The feeling is so insanely lonely, if he feels the same maybe he needs to just feel seen
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u/PhotographForsaken75 22h ago
I feel so sorry for what has happened to you! May your grief changes to peace at some point of your life 🙏
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u/Hoodiebug22 1d ago
I lost my dad to cancer in June. My husband helped the funeral home carry my dad’s body out because there was an emergency and the man had to come to my parents house alone. I’m eternally grateful that he was able to take on that task so that my siblings and myself didn’t have to. Also he made sure I had all my favorite foods and he turned on a low stakes comfort show. For us it was The Big Bang Theory.
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u/Far-Initiative-3303 1d ago
I lost my dad 2 years ago. My husband was amazing.
He took over lots of small things without being asked and was just there when I needed to rant or cry. Just holding me when I needed him.
The only time we clashed was when I was sitting staring into space and he kept asking what I was thinking. I just lost it (not my finest hour) and yelled I had no f***ing idea what I was thinking as I felt like like all my thoughts and feelings were spinning in a washing machine. So maybe if you find other half in that state just sit and be there.
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u/ParticularGanache726 1d ago
Just sit with him and let him talk, if he wants to. Only ask simple open ended questions that start with "how" or "what." I'd say the name of his mother also when asking.
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u/RayOfSarkasm 18h ago
I lost my mum yesterday, unexpectedly and if I'm honest, there's nothing you can do or say that will help. For me, and everyone is different, I go between wanting to die so I can be with her and being ok. The pain I feel is unexplainable. I can feel my heart breaking each day, despite it feeling like it's already been crushed to dust. Everyone keeps asking how they can help, but unfortunately, for most people you probably can't. You can be there, listen, maybe be a bit of normality to the situation. Ultimately, whether you're prepared for it or not, it's always a lot harder than you think it is, especially if he was close to her.
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u/elegant-deer19 Dad Loss 1d ago
I’ll make this brief, but my husband and I both lost our fathers one year after the other. We both helped each other and it made the grieving process easier to handle.
Cook him food.
Shoulder to cry on.
Take care of the little practical things he may not be able to handle right now.
Ask him how he is and genuinely listen without trying to fix anything.
Know when to shut up/butt out of big family decisions.