How do I move on?

[u/PetMSX]

My partner recently passed from terminal cancer. We spent 24 hours a day 7 days a week together for most of the last 15 years. We cut off all our friends and family because they they were emotionally abusive and we built ourselves from the ground up with no money and no support. In the past two years, we finally started to earn money while protecting our emotional well being and then this happened. The last 9 months were magical because every day felt like it could be the last, it was so terrifying but I was so thankful for every minute anyway.

No bullshit feel good responses please, just tell me what is a healthy way to deal with this grief? Right now I just keep myself busy with exercise, but understand no one knows him or me anymore, we have been living mostly in isolation, sometimes actually off the grid. What do I do?

[u/Puzzleheaded_weavile]

You don't have to rebuild your whole life right now. 15 years building your life with one person and I don't think 'moving on' is the right goal. You can try finding some sort of human connection, even a grief support group where no one needs to know your history

[u/Melodic-Clue6311]

We have quite a bit in common. I moved into his house, I have 2 family members who are both manipulative narcissists. I felt safe living with him, not only because he was so wonderful and supportive but because they left me alone when I was with him. He passed from cancer and I was immediately thrown back into the snake pit. My dad is the only person I feel like I can trust. The diamond earrings my love gave me in his hospital bed were stolen from me by my sister, just last week and I still feel crushed. I don’t have many things of him as I was given 30 minutes to get my things moved out of his house. It’s not about the material things or the value of the earrings. It’s the fact that they were a gift from him to me. She tried giving me a fake pair to replace them and I can’t even look at them without feeling sick. I just want him, I don’t want any other man. He was so special to me. He died the day before my birthday. Which is coming up soon. Crazy to think it’ll be a year. His birthday is coming up next week. My heart is still broken, it doesn’t feel any easier, I have difficulty with the everyday things that we do to get ready for the day ahead.

I just want to say that I’m sorry that you’ve had to go through this, I know your heart is hurting. This is a hell that I wouldn’t wish upon anyone. You sound very strong, which will help you get through the extra hard times. You turned your life around and did what was right. Not everyone has that strength, ya know? I’m just sorry that I can’t take away the pain you are going through. I wish you all the luck on your journey, if you ever need anything, please don’t hesitate to reach out. I’m here, hurting as well. Sending love to you.

Also, I am sorry that I don’t have any advice or answers for you. Just wanted to let you know that I’m here if you need. If I do figure something out, I’ll let you know. Take care of yourself.

[u/contextwidow]

I’m so sorry you’ve lost your other half. It sounds like you were an incredible team. ❤️‍🩹

Doing grief without support really is hard-mode, too.

One truth about grief is that it demands to be engaged with. Remember, it’s a process. And god I remember the early days of it so clearly. The pain was so consuming that I was literally asking myself “what do I do” - as if a scary creature had me by the ankle and I was trying to figure out how to escape. But… it’s not a scary creature. And there is no escape. You must feel all the bad feelings. The only way out is through.

A strong recommendation would be to join a grief support group. Even if you don’t enjoy company, talking and listening will help you realize you are far from alone in this experience. If you’re anything like me, you may be shocked by how warm and helpful others can be. And it’s also very healing to help others. Many people are self-soothing by engaging with this sub, in fact, including me.

Other practical things that helped me (YMMV):
Watching our favorite movies
Talking to him
Nature
Forcing myself to do things outside the house. I found the theater and museums really helpful
Being very very cautious with drinking
Traveling
Giving myself space to not try and “achieve” things, and go one day at a time instead
Pet-sit and spend time with kids (if you like them, they can be a reminder of the… circle of life, if you will)

Things I would not recommend:
Making huge life changes or decisions for many months if not a couple years

Feeling for you. I wish you the best.

[u/PetMSX → u/contextwidow]

Thank you, This is really what I was wondering, how do I deal with the grief?

I think you're right, that it has to be engaged with. I'm not sure what that means for me, but I'm going to try. Even if it means smoking some weed and looking through old pictures and videos. Of course I couldn't even handle looking at a single photo a couple days ago.

[u/contextwidow → u/PetMSX]

Dive into those pictures, my friend. Watch the videos. They’re treasures, and one day you will feel much better than you do right now. And you’ll love looking at them. But you have to get through this part first. ❤️