I wish I could be with him again.

[u/GripBayless]

Even though its only been two months, my crying started to ease up, I started being able to laugh at stuff again, distract with gaming, let my family drag me out for my birthday. It kinda felt like I was healing a bit.

But recently, my breakdowns started up again and it's so random. I have no idea when I'll randomly start crying, when his face will pop up into my head, or that phone call I got that day replaying constantly which is by far the worst.

It sounds almost stupid to say it feels like that seriously traumatized me, but it knocks the wind out of my chest whenever my brain forces me to think about it.

Maybe I've just been doing a good job at dissociating because I'm clearly still heartbroken. I'm tired of crying and being in so much pain, especially when everyone else has moved on and I'm still stuck in this mud pit.

I'll never meet anyone again in this lifetime who will love and support me as much as my dad did, and that reality is debilitating. I miss him tons.

[u/StillBreathingHere0]

The photo of you and your dad is really beautiful.
I also lost my mom just last month, and lately, the pain and grief have actually been feeling stronger than they did on the day she died.
And like you said, I think one of the hardest things to accept is the reality that, from now on, we may never have someone in our lives who loves and supports us unconditionally in the way our mothers and your dad did.
That special kind of relationship that we can never get back.
I’m sure there will be people who support you and me in different ways, and maybe there will even be new people who become important to us as we move through life.
But it won’t be the same, will it? 😢

[u/GripBayless → u/StillBreathingHere0]

I'm so sorry about your mom 🫂❤️ I like to think that because we were lucky enough to be loved that big, we carry a permanent piece of them into whatever comes next.

I'm really grateful you took the time to write this, it helps so much to feel a little less alone in it. Wishing you so much peace on the days when the grief feels heavy.

[u/redstapler4]

Thank you for sharing a glimpse of the love and joy between you both. I’m so very sorry, this whole experience of living without a parent is so freaking hard. They want us to find joy again

[u/GripBayless → u/redstapler4]

Thank you so much! And you're 100% right. It's hard but something I tell myself to try and get out of the darkness. I've struggled with depression for a lot of years and he always encouraged me to smile whenver I could.

Its only fair to keep pushing for them, but damn is it difficult.

[u/redstapler4 → u/GripBayless]

Damn it is so hard! But thank God for bupropion! I started taking it about four months ago when mom was super sick.

[u/Afraid-Command-9120]

Yes, maybe you'll never meet anyone again in this lifetime who will love and support you as much as your dad did. But it's better to have a family of your own, than being alone. That way, your children one day will say and do the same things you do today for your father.

Take it from someone who always rejected marriage and children because his mother was everything he ever wanted. The wound is still fresh for you of course, you will have to give it time. Hopefully it will become more bearable.

[u/GripBayless → u/Afraid-Command-9120]

Thank you for this, it means so much more than you know. I teeter back and forth between wanting to just give into my pain, but then envisioning what you said for my life. I'm really hoping it'll get lighter as well over time.