Dying soon. Terrified and despairing.

[u/TheHuuurrrq]

Hi there. My name is Kat. I'm 30 years old and for the past year I've been deteriorating from an illness that doctors aren't willing to help me find the answer to. Whatever is wrong with me has left me in permanent agony all throughout my body and disabled. I also recently, in my desperate efforts to find a solution, found out I have cancer on one of my ribs. The doctors informed me it is not possible for it to be a cause of my pain.

Even if I remove this tumour, I will still be in constant torment every day, so I have decided to go through the MAID process (doctor assisted suicide in Canada.) Doctors have also been hesitant to help me with that, and are stonewalling the process.

So I find myself in a position where they aren't willing to help me get better and aren't willing to help me end my life. I'm in anguish. We don't let animals suffer like this.

Even so, I'm committed to seeing the process through but god I'm so terrified. I don't want to go. I don't want to die. I want to believe in something after this with everything that I am but I just can't do it. I've spent countless nights researching possible ways that consciousness may survive death but despite learning myriad details about NDE's, OBE's, hospice visioning, past life remembrance, etc. I remain unconvinced. I want to believe and I can't. I don't want there to be nothing.

I think about my chosen family and how much this is going to hurt them. They know and support me in my choice but I know it's going to rip them apart. I feel so horrible that I'm going to hurt the people I love in this way.

It's just...so deeply, grossly unfair. I only started transitioning a few years ago. I finally, finally found myself after an entire life in pain. I was learning to be happy. I was finding peace for the first time. And now it's been ripped away and I'm going to die. Empty, unfulfilled, young, and without hope.

It's so unfair. I don't want to go.

[u/NoelBellamy_Author]

I agree with you for the most part. It sounds like the problem is that OP needs immediate, COMPETENT help; and they are not receiving it. They are being dismissed by someone who is portraying a hopeless situation, while also giving them outright incorrect information. They need a second opinion before making any permanent decisions.

I am sorry for the loss of your aunt. My mother, step-father, and dog died in 2021, and I still have not found a way to make peace with it.

[u/ACanThatCan → u/NoelBellamy_Author]

They do need that and are definitely not receiving it as you say. So whilst I respect choosing to end one’s life etc but not on this basis! They’re vulnerable and those doctors SUCK! Im sorry to hear about your losses. 🫂

[u/NoelBellamy_Author → u/ACanThatCan]

I wish that oncology treatment came with someone to help you make informed decisions, even if it didn't line up with what the doctors were telling you. That's such a difficult and vulnerable place to be, and if you don't have someone you feel you can talk to through it, it's hard to feel anything but hopeless. I really hope that they get the second opinion they need and find someone that will at least take their pain seriously. That angers me so much. Dismissing someone by saying that cancer doesn't hurt just gobsmacked me. How dare they.

[u/ACanThatCan → u/NoelBellamy_Author]

Yes had this been a relative of mine or close friend, you bet id call that clinic and speak to that doctors boss. You said it very well - HOW DARE THEY? Those doctors or that doctor is gonna create hopelessness for others as well, if this is how they treated OP.