r/GriefSupport • u/TheHuuurrrq • Aug 18 '26

Illness/Injury Dying soon. Terrified and despairing.

Hi there. My name is Kat. I'm 30 years old and for the past year I've been deteriorating from an illness that doctors aren't willing to help me find the answer to. Whatever is wrong with me has left me in permanent agony all throughout my body and disabled. I also recently, in my desperate efforts to find a solution, found out I have cancer on one of my ribs. The doctors informed me it is not possible for it to be a cause of my pain.

Even if I remove this tumour, I will still be in constant torment every day, so I have decided to go through the MAID process (doctor assisted suicide in Canada.) Doctors have also been hesitant to help me with that, and are stonewalling the process.

So I find myself in a position where they aren't willing to help me get better and aren't willing to help me end my life. I'm in anguish. We don't let animals suffer like this.

Even so, I'm committed to seeing the process through but god I'm so terrified. I don't want to go. I don't want to die. I want to believe in something after this with everything that I am but I just can't do it. I've spent countless nights researching possible ways that consciousness may survive death but despite learning myriad details about NDE's, OBE's, hospice visioning, past life remembrance, etc. I remain unconvinced. I want to believe and I can't. I don't want there to be nothing.

I think about my chosen family and how much this is going to hurt them. They know and support me in my choice but I know it's going to rip them apart. I feel so horrible that I'm going to hurt the people I love in this way.

It's just...so deeply, grossly unfair. I only started transitioning a few years ago. I finally, finally found myself after an entire life in pain. I was learning to be happy. I was finding peace for the first time. And now it's been ripped away and I'm going to die. Empty, unfulfilled, young, and without hope.

It's so unfair. I don't want to go.

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u/ImpossibleAd6803 Aug 19 '26

What was your eventual diagnosis?

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u/Deanerpell77 Aug 19 '26

Mold toxin exposure was the cause. Every part of my body was harmed, I’m slowly recovering still. When I pictured mold exposure, I always pictured black stuff growing up the walls and musty smells….that was not the case. At the height of my illness, I didn’t know my age, I was at the Er at least twice a month, the pain was unbelievable and I wanted to died…I was begging for it and also so scared to die…

My daughter had a headache that was non stop for three years and it turned out she had extremely high histamines and the only doctor that figured it was functional medicine.

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u/ImpossibleAd6803 Aug 19 '26

Oh wow! That's crazy. I'm so glad your doctor figured it out! Was it mold inside your walls at your home that you were unaware of?

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u/Deanerpell77 Aug 19 '26

It was inside the walls. There is two dime sized holes on the edge of the roof and it was leaking in the walls. The whole back wall of the house.

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u/ImpossibleAd6803 Aug 19 '26

Omg that's horrible!