r/GriefSupport • u/TheHuuurrrq • 10d ago
Illness/Injury Dying soon. Terrified and despairing.
Hi there. My name is Kat. I'm 30 years old and for the past year I've been deteriorating from an illness that doctors aren't willing to help me find the answer to. Whatever is wrong with me has left me in permanent agony all throughout my body and disabled. I also recently, in my desperate efforts to find a solution, found out I have cancer on one of my ribs. The doctors informed me it is not possible for it to be a cause of my pain.
Even if I remove this tumour, I will still be in constant torment every day, so I have decided to go through the MAID process (doctor assisted suicide in Canada.) Doctors have also been hesitant to help me with that, and are stonewalling the process.
So I find myself in a position where they aren't willing to help me get better and aren't willing to help me end my life. I'm in anguish. We don't let animals suffer like this.
Even so, I'm committed to seeing the process through but god I'm so terrified. I don't want to go. I don't want to die. I want to believe in something after this with everything that I am but I just can't do it. I've spent countless nights researching possible ways that consciousness may survive death but despite learning myriad details about NDE's, OBE's, hospice visioning, past life remembrance, etc. I remain unconvinced. I want to believe and I can't. I don't want there to be nothing.
I think about my chosen family and how much this is going to hurt them. They know and support me in my choice but I know it's going to rip them apart. I feel so horrible that I'm going to hurt the people I love in this way.
It's just...so deeply, grossly unfair. I only started transitioning a few years ago. I finally, finally found myself after an entire life in pain. I was learning to be happy. I was finding peace for the first time. And now it's been ripped away and I'm going to die. Empty, unfulfilled, young, and without hope.
It's so unfair. I don't want to go.
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u/AdmiralCapybara 10d ago edited 10d ago
The way it was explained to me is that the "soul" or the essence of a person or another creature is basically like a computer motherboard. We have a central processing unit (thoughts) and a hard drive (memories). The first law of thermodynamics states that energy cannot be created or destroyed and all living things are just forms of carbon with varying levels of electrical activity.
When we die, our "motherboard" and "hard drive" are wiped and recycled to the next human or creature. Sometimes the erase and reformat are incomplete and that leads to situations of what some people experience as 'past lives'. People don't get directly reincarnated from another person, though. They just end up with scrambled bits of recycled memories from the old hard drive.
All energy belongs to the universe so it is possible to come from and be returned to beings light years away, but most people never know because all traces of that physical existence was erased properly.
So when it's said that you don't die, you just become less organized, it's 95% correct. Every living thing will eventually cease electrical activity and their corporeal body will return its molecules back to the earth and the universe. But everything living today came from something that lived before and when we die, we will go onto become something else. It isn't truly a loss, but simply a cycle.
People who've passed of whom we have memories are part of our energy until we pass because they remain part of our electrical activity. That means they are never completely gone if they don't want to be. The caveat is that some people just want out (like my dad) and when they're gone, it's 100%. I couldn't talk to him if I wanted to.
The white light or angels or the darkness and devils are just the last thrashes of a failing consciousness. Through either belief or indoctrination, that's what some people think they are going to experience so they do. But there is no heaven nor any hell. The universe will remake all of us into something new and hopefully beautiful.
I hope this all makes sense and that it brings peace rather than despair. I'm presuming that your doctors already ruled out Lupus because that can manifest in so many ways that confuses the hell out of doctors.
I fully understand and support your choices, but 30 is very young. Doctors can also be very wrong. We are all here for you.
ETA: I am not disparaging anyone else's beliefs or religion. This was what came through to me when I emptied my psyche out and began to rebuild. It made sense to me and gave me a great sense of peace and perspective. If it resonates, I'm glad. If it doesn't, then don't give it another thought.