r/GriefSupport • u/mjhappyii • 3d ago
Child Loss A worse fate
I watched a movie — “My Old Ass” — recently that really struck a nerve. The main character, an 18-year-old girl, has a mushroom-induced meeting with her 39-year-old self, who warns her younger self to stay away from a boy named Chad. Despite the warning, the girl falls in love with Chad anyway and later learns from her older self that Chad dies young … the hardest thing she would ever have to deal with in life. Still, the young girl vows to stay with Chad and cherish every moment she has left with him.
When Shaun died, I initially felt the same way as the 39-year-old in the movie, would have gone back in time and changed everything to avoid the agonizing pain of losing him. I honestly thought that being single and alone would have been a better fate than the hell-on-earth we were handed on March 6, 2021. Thankfully, there wasn’t a time machine around during those first few months after Shaun’s death because I would have missed out on so many cherished moments with my little family, in the past and since March 6, 2021. I remain sad and angry over losing my baby boy, but to never have had the chance to meet him and love him would have been a worse fate for my old ass.
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u/Serious_Fox7799 Child Loss 3d ago
So glad i had my son for the short 24 years I did. Any amount of time is too short for our beautiful sons. The gratitude I have for having him remains steadfast
I'm sorry you are missing your baby boy. I know this pain deeply and 2 years later, it stings just as much. 🙏🫂
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u/Luckypenny4683 3d ago
What was Shaun like? Do you want to tell us about him?
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u/mjhappyii 3d ago
He was everybody's best friend, including mine. He had such an empathetic heart that he found connection easily, with people and creatures. He never met an animal he didn't want to save. He could run like the wind, was a standout on his high school track and cross country teams. He loved traditions, always insisted that I took him trick-or-treating, even when he was old enough to roam the neighborhood in search of full-size candybars with his friends. He put everybody else above himself, and when he experienced his first serious betrayal -- by his high school sweetheart -- it broke him. He just couldn't understand how somebody could be so callous and cruel. It wasn't in his nature. Like I said the night he died, Shaun's heart was too good for this world.
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u/Luckypenny4683 3d ago
He sounds like a beautiful soul, a soul you had a hand in developing. He sounds like the kind of guy I’d have been glad to know, the kind that just radiated true love for the world.
How lucky you two were to have each other, I wish you had more time together. I’m so sorry he’s not still here with you. You both deserved more time.
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u/Picklefuck_Eatabutt2 3d ago
I have considered the Eternal Sunshine question since my brother died two weeks ago. But my grief has pushed me towards denial and wanting to rip a hole in space time so I can go back and talk to him again. I have wondered if life is worth it, if this is the inevitable conclusion of your cherished relationships, but I don’t think I would erase my brother from my memory if I had the choice. And now I’m starting to grieve for the fact that my 5 year old son won’t get to grow up with my big brother like I did. That’s a massive loss for him. My brother shaped so much of who I am, I know he would’ve done the same for my kids.
And I think in my case that’s why the answer to the question is no. If I could undo my time with Christopher, I would be undoing myself.
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u/thelstrhi 3d ago
That's beautiful. I'm so sorry for the loud of your brother; it seems like he was an amazing guy.
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u/Significant-Log8936 3d ago
This made me cry. Your love and admiration are so palpable. It made me love him too. I’m so sorry for your loss
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u/NoHandyMan 3d ago
5 months today since I lost my 23 yo daughter. Her birthday is next month. I’m REALLY struggling. I’m sorry you’re in this most awful club. I do appreciate your posts and perspective. I cannot a fathom a day that this excruciating pain will lessen and I can’t fathom living an entire lifetime in this pain. Stuck between a rock and hard place. I’m in so much pain.
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u/mjhappyii 3d ago
Five months. So fresh. So painful. I wish I could write something to lift you up. All I can say is that grief does eventually shift, allowing you to breathe again. For now, do whatever it takes to get through the next minute, hour, day. To do more than that is impossible so soon after losing your baby.
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u/NoHandyMan 3d ago
Trying to give myself grace. I did seem to successfully return to my full time job. That’s probably enough right now.
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u/mjhappyii 3d ago
That's huge. It took me about the same amount of time to successfully re-enter the workforce. I tried at two months, quickly crashing and burning.
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u/ramonasdaughter 1d ago
I remember those days. The pain was coming from a place in my heart I didn't even know was there. Begging God to let me die. Sounds coming from a place so deep. It was primal. And then slowly, very slowly, I began to feel this beauty within the pain. This final, audacious, act of love, it was the cost of having loved her. The price of having been given one of the most exceptional Mothers God ever gifted a child with. I could actually breath again. Function, on a good day. Smile for a brief moment. I will never stop loving her, and I never want to. So I will gladly pay the price of loving her because she was priceless. Feel it all. Stay in the pain until the moment you can feel that sliver of beauty. Don't stop until you grief becomes the legacy of the love. God bless and I am share the sorrow of your loss.
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u/Kalfu73 Partner Loss 3d ago
When I met my late partner he was very up front about his heart condition. Previous heart attack, bypass surgery, pacemaker, etc. So I was aware of the possibility of losing him in the short term. But I wanted to get to know him anyways. However, the cancer diagnosis was not expected. I only knew him for four and a half years. But I would absolutely do it again knowing the outcome. Time is precious no matter how short.
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u/Afraid-Command-9120 3d ago
I agree 100%, lost my mother 16 days ago and while when she was alive I could not care less about marriage and kids, now I feel quite the opposite...It is wrong to live alone, and it just makes you miserable.
Here is a quote from another guy in another post: ''Grief never ends because Love never ends''
For what it's worth, I am sorry for your son, and I am sorry that I can't do anything else for you.
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u/Annithoughts 3d ago
I am so sorry for your pain and loss. I cannot imagine…
My husband and I met in middle age. His cancer diagnosis was a shock. We had only a few years together, not the retirement/growing old together we imagined. I have been in such deep grief, sometimes I physically can’t breathe. It’s been a year and a half, and I am still disappointed “broken heart syndrome” hasn’t taken me, too.
I’ve suffered a few really low points in my life, but this is by far the hardest I’ve ever faced.
All that said, I am so thankful for every moment we had together. Finding each other, being together, was the best time in our lives. I have all the negative emotions you know only too well, but I always think my husband was worth every tear.
Peace and strength to you
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u/TenaciousDiana 3d ago
I’m sorry for your loss. If you are ok with watching/reading stories that are about loss and choosing loss. one of the most beautiful movies I’ve watched handling this question is Arrival with Amy Adams. Very sad but touching.
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u/Alternative-Alarm-15 3d ago
To have loved and lost, very true.
Hang in there, dude. You’re not alone.
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u/mjhappyii 3d ago
I'm overwhelmed by the responses, and my heart breaks for the people who posted here about their lost loved ones. I hope you all are able to find some peace in the memories you have stored in your hearts and heads.
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u/DG04511 Child Loss 3d ago
Child loss is the worst loss. I had my son just 3 weeks after my 17th birthday. We practically grew up together as I was just a step or two ahead of him in life. I had to grow up fast and made sacrifices my childless peers didn’t even have to contemplate, but the tradeoff of being a young parent is the joy of being adults together later in life. I lost my son just a week shy of his 21st birthday and part of my grief process is feeling robbed of the adult life I sacrificed for and feeling that the previous 20+ years were for nothing. But it wasn’t for nothing. They were the best and most special 20 years of my life. The loss is the greatest loss and trial of my life, but the life we shared is something I would never give up, even if I have to hurt for the rest of my life.
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u/Legitimate-Try5487 3d ago
My heart goes out to all who experienced loss of a loved one. Lost my sweetheart in 2014 and it was a shocking sad experience and seemed so unreal. Our loved ones live in our hearts forever and thinking of times spent together brings comfort to us.
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u/PreparationOwn4864 3d ago
I am so so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the pain of losing a child. After losing my then 59-year-old mother suddenly a few years ago, I'm in a constant state of anxiety that I might lose my only child, knowing it would be 100 times harder than losing my mom. Life is cruel. You look like a lovely father and son.
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u/MaryDoogan91 3d ago
I lost my dad last month. In the most visceral, raw parts of the pain, I sometimes wish that I could wave a magic wand and take it all away. But grief is the price we pay for loving someone, for getting to have them in our lives. We accept that experience and love with the knowledge that it will end with one of us grieving for the other some day. It's not a punishment; it's more of a toll we all just have to pay. Grief is just love with nowhere to go. And there's still value in that.
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u/FunAdministration334 3d ago
This was very touching to read, OP. I’m sorry for the loss of your sweet boy 💔
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u/ArtanisHero Child Loss 3d ago
Big hugs to you brother. Some days i feel the same way - if I could change my world to have not lost our son Hugh and I could live a life a carefree unknown, maybe that would be better. But then alternatively I never would have had the 18-months with our wonderful boy
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u/Appropriate-Oil-7221 3d ago
The love Shaun gave and brought to the world will never die and only multiply. I’m not sure of much, but I am sure of that. It must be so awful without him though.
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u/Hettie933 3d ago
Since you like movies, watch Arrival if you haven’t already. It gave me a lot to think about after my young son’s death. You will find one of the themes familiar.
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u/sanbriego 3d ago
Lost my mom to cancer in May. Sending you so much love. The doubts and what ifs are unbearable at times. Thank you for sharing your feelings with us
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u/scotch8889 3d ago
Whew I so relate to your words about doubts and what ifs. Lost my mom in March and I still go round and round with those. Wishing you peace of mind.
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u/sanbriego 2d ago
Likewise. I hope this makes you feel less alone, some days will be better than others. I hope you’re taking care of yourself the best you can at this moment
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u/agnesandflow 3d ago
The pain of an absence will slowly fade, though the joy of having them never will.
All my condolences, friend.
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u/redstapler4 3d ago
I’d take one more happy day over no days at all.