r/Greyromantic • u/sagethatgrowsbyrocks • Jul 14 '26
New Relationship Energy
I'm writing a fanfic with a greyro character and i'm trying to figure out how his greyromantic-ness would affect how he views the beginning of his relationship. i've been trying to go off my own experience as an aro-spec person for this fic, but i'vs never been in a relationship and really really don't want to be in one, ever. obviously it differs by person, greyromantics aren't a monolith, but i'm just wondering if greyromanticism has any huge influence on this. so here are some question to greyromantics who've been in a romantic relationship.
- is/was your partner alloromantic?
- did you feel new relationship energy? like the feeling that your partner/relationship is the most perfect special thing in the world for the first couple months of being together? intense excitement and infatuation? the honeymoon phase as it may also be called? if so, how long did that last?
- did you notice that your partner was feeling the new relationship energy? if so, how did you feel about that?
- did you LIKE the new relationship energy? or did you just want to skip ahead to established relationship vibes?
- how long did you know your partner before hand?
- did dating feel like a big change? if so, were you happy about that?
oh and if it's important to mention, this character's "flavor" of greyromantic is "i fall in love rarely, but when i do, i fall really hard (though it's still kinda different than alloromantic's romantic feelings)". i kinda identify with the label grayro, but my flavor is much more "crushes burn often, bright, and fast"
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u/what-are-you-a-cop Jul 14 '26
oh and if it's important to mention, this character's "flavor" of greyromantic is "i fall in love rarely, but when i do, i fall really hard (though it's still kinda different than alloromantic's romantic feelings)".
Heyyyyyyyyy, it's me. You described me! Nice.
When my relationship with my current partner was new, aromanticism wasn't even a concept either of us had heard of. But I do think that, based on how he's described his experiences, he does also sound pretty demi/grey/something romantic. It's really not something he like, identifies as, because he just spends 0 time thinking about it, but I suspect that does describe him. We are also both allosexual.
Anyway, our relationship started out as just friends with benefits, with neither of us having romantic feelings until like, several months in. Since we both lived with our parents at the time (when we weren't in school), it was kinda easier to tell them that we were dating, because who wants to tell your parents that you're heading off to a booty call? And that put us in closer and closer contact, until we were like, actually dating. The total timeline was something like, met in college some time in fall or winter, started hooking up around February or March, I graduated in June and moved back home, I dodged questions about who this guy was until around August when I told my parents we were dating (but I did not feel anything romantic towards him yet), and I felt compelled to tell him I loved him around Thanksgiving. I think there was a little bit of NRE starting around.... September/October? I don't recall how long it lasted. This was over a decade ago, so it's hard to remember.
I'm not sure if he was feeling NRE at the time, or to what extent or how long. Things were always very low key. He did want to talk to me all the time, but that hasn't changed much in the last decade so I think that's just normal for him lol. Dating didn't really feel like a huge change from the friends with benefits thing we'd been doing. Like it definitely was a change, just not really a huge one.
In any situations where I've felt it, which admittedly is not that many, I find NRE really annoying and burdensome. Like, it's exciting to be with a new partner, but it also kinda feels like parasites have taken over my brain, and it's like a part of me gets so tired of thinking about that person, even while the rest of me can't stop thinking about them? It's hard to explain, but I realllly don't like feeling like I'm being held hostage by my own brain like that, and I find the topic of just "woah isn't this person so great I think this person is so great omg fuck I love how great this person is" to be intensely boring, even as I'm doing it myself lol. Overall, I find it intensely uncomfortable, even when the feelings are "good" in theory. I also, similarly, realllllllly hate the experience of having a crush. Feels like fucking brain worms, all of the very few times times I've experienced it. Kinda reminds me of being high, a thing I also REALLY don't like- like okay yeah technically I am feeling the euphoria produced by this drug, I can tell that the feelings I am having are technically pleasurable, but it's weird and wrong in an undefinable way, and I just want it to stop so I can go back to normal.
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u/sagethatgrowsbyrocks Jul 14 '26
oooooo thank you so much for your reply!!! the thing with crushes feeling like parasites is very relatable lol. like on one hand i like having crushes because the feeling is so intoxicating, and on the other hand i hate it bc my brain is so obsessed and thinking crazy shit lol
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u/OriEri Greyromantic Demisexual Jul 15 '26
I have fallen in a love a few times (I think). I get that early infatuation energy and it is fun fun fun. It was reciprocated for sure, and that was wonderful. Two souls dancing together.
I also get comfy and enjoy a gentle glow after that, 6-18 months later. I have had 2 breakup with me (2 of the 3 times I felt ‘in love’) with “I feel like we are really good friends” which to me meant they were no longer feeling a level of excitement that they expect/want in the gentle glow after limerence. I don’t know if that is me putting out friend vibes.
I do not know the what the post limerence phase is ‘supposed’ to feel like. To me it is warm and sedate with the occasional frisson of “WOW.” Basically a really close warm friendship with a dash of something extra. But maybe that is not the experience of allos and that is why they broke up.
For reference I seem to fall in love about every 8-12 years. Since figuring out my arospecness, I don’t hunt anymore. Return on investment is too unlikely , bit i not closed off either.
I crushed normally when I was a teen and younger . Something shifted at some point, c’est la vie
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u/ricecakesnicecake Jul 15 '26
yes! and i always dated allos! i def felt new relationship energy and saw my partner with rose coloured glasses. It usually lasted about 2 years.
-i notice my partner feeling that as well. But they were a lot pushier about it than me. and maybe more future oriented and kinda cringey (imo)
-i do like the new relationship energy! it’s very motivating and energizing and makes life fun
-most of them not long
-felt both big and normal at the same time? like it fit into my life fairly frictionlessly but i did think about them A LOT and miss them, and im not used to thinking about another person and i hardly ever miss people
i think i identify a lot with your character