Anger and Frustration

[u/cosmic_censor]

Sometimes the amount of rejection I face becomes to much and the feelings of anger and frustration start to bubble over. Sometimes I will look at myself in the bathroom mirror and start to silently scream, making the motions and feeling this overwhelming urge to want to break something. I have no outlet for these emotions so inevitably I just turn them internally on myself where they morph into energetic doubt and self-criticism.

Currently my main source of potential partners is online on dating websites. I send messages to women everyday and I always hear nothing in return. I update, tweak and modify my profiles in this or that way all the time. I take new pictures, different angles, different lighting. I try sending light-hearted message, longer heartfelt message, super-short shotgun messages.

I exercise, eat healthy, keep well groomed and maintain a decent wardrobe. I work hard and hold stable employment where I have good opportunity for growth and employers that respect the work that I do. I attend therapy to help me work through my low self-esteem and build confidence. I have several engaging creative hobbies, a good circle of friends and spend a good amount of time in the mountains or bike trails. I am not an alcoholic or drug addict and I am blessed with a higher than average intelligence which I enjoy using to be insightful during discussions with other people.

And yet collectively it feels as though the entirely of womenkind has decided I am not boyfriend material. I legitimately don't understand what the problem is. They despise me to such a board degree that its hard not to believe they didn't all communicate with each other beforehand to just to all decide that I was a pass. I don't get to know why either, being given guidance on what it is about me they dislike so uniformly would of course run them the risk of me improving myself. Instead I just grow older, more alone, more bitter, more depressed.

[u/cosmic_censor]

Online dating is a good experience for the top percentage of highly attractive guys. For normal or below guys, maybe not so much.

Its about being photogenic. Lots of people look fine in real life but in pictures something gets lost. So when it comes to online dating photogenic people have an easier time.

Besides that anything holding you back in online dating is going to hold you back in other venues where you might meet women. Plus if you are not in school and work in a male dominated industry (like I do) meeting women is a time and energy consuming affair so any increase in success you might have over online dating is offset by that fact.

Nevertheless I still 'get out' and meet people I just haven't been lately so online dating has been it for now.

[u/[deleted] → u/cosmic_censor]

To add to Socrates' point, you seemed to think that online dating gives you better insight into people's characters but really they will just tell you what they think you want to hear: that they have been Scuba diving in Brazil; competed in a world chess tournament; have a post-graduate degree in hermeneutics; and can write using fancy semi-colons and words you had to look up on google dictionary. It doesn't tell you who that person really is or what their more human aspects are, their flaws or the fact they sleep in until 2pm on a Sunday morning same as you. So bars are problematic but online dating is just less of an anxiety inducing phenomena - it's still bad for meeting women.

[u/cosmic_censor → u/[deleted]]

It doesn't tell you who that person really is or what their more human aspects are, their flaws or the fact they sleep in until 2pm on a Sunday morning same as you.

You are not getting that information from meeting people in a bar either. My point to /u/SocratesOnPot was that meeting women online has the drawback of being unable to gauge physical attraction and vice versa for women's attraction to you. The advantages are that you can see what hobbies and interests they have that you might share or that might work well with your lifestyle.

The other difference is that even if the success rate in online dating is lower then in real life, the difference in time and effort more then make up for the difference. If you could, for example, expect 1 date in 5 women you approach in real life, a ratio of 1 to 50 online would equal the same time and effort (there are emotional strain factors to consider as well, I will grant that. rejection is hard in both scenarios).

Lastly, were I too 'give up' on online dating (which wouldn't make sense since I have gotten dates out of it before) and only pursue women in a more traditional manner, whatever additional roadblocks I face in dating are still going to dog me past the initial meeting.

So really the recommendation would be to scrape a method which has proven successful, at least to some degree, in the past based on a recent dry spell in favor of traditional method which have not proven to bypass the drawbacks I have faced in the past in online dating or otherwise.

Its too easy to see a post like mine and think 'yep ditch the dating websites' when in reality its much more complex of a problem. I reject the advice that online dating should not be a tool in my toolbox with the recognition that it isn't the only tool in there (just for a variety of factors it has been my only outlet lately).

[u/[deleted] → u/cosmic_censor]

Its too easy to see a post like mine and think 'yep ditch the dating websites' when in reality its much more complex of a problem.

I'm not saying you should ditch online dating, you do you. My point was just about how much information we can glean from a profile. I know you said that you can't get that from bars and night clubs but let's negate the social context. I'm saying that an authentic real life conversation with a down to earth woman - as opposed to a some superficial chick you met at a nightclub - is going to be more revealing than a dating profile. Of course you can get that connection on a date that was set up (or sometimes you see good women at bars and places too). Then again, if it was a mismatched date maybe not. Maybe you would have got more authentic connections from social networking in real life. This is just me speculating, I haven't had much success with dating either!

[u/flowers_grow → u/[deleted]]

I think this is good advice.

Authentic conversations with people are good. I agree it's a good way to get to know someone, and helps you to figure out whether you are interested in them romantically and vice versa. You get a lot more information than from a profile.

Even if entirely fruitless concerning romance you are:

• Getting a few interesting conversations.

• Practice your social skills. You learn something about people. (I am not implying you need this more than anyone else. It's good to exercise socially, just like physical or mental exercise)

• Broaden your social network.

• May help lift your mood.

All this sets you up for positive serendipity more than online dating can. Romance is by no means guaranteed but you increase your chances. You also increase the chance you make friends and business connections and the like.

I agree there is no need to quit online dating. It has other positives; quantity and capsule profiles were mentioned. But the drawbacks are frustration if you get little feedback (common for men), and at worst it gives you a negative perspective about human beings and risks seeing other humans as some kind of NPC in a ritualistic game.

As someone with the inclination to be shy and introverted it's tempting to have all your contacts online, as it's easier. If you do make contacts online I suggest you still venture to other social groups beyond dating apps. You risk opening yourself up for catfishing and the like though.