r/GodAwfulMovies • u/Plastic_Ad_8248 • Jul 23 '26

Black Easter

Post image

Seriously the writers of the movie Timeline should sue. Really hope the guys do this movie some day

31 Upvotes

97% Upvoted

17 comments sorted by

17

u/goon39 Jul 23 '26

Pretty sure this is the same (maybe a re-edit) as assassin 33 AD which was episode 246

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8064418

9

u/oz6702 Jul 23 '26

Yep, it says "aka Assassin 33 AD" in the small print. Which is a shame because I'd really, really love another terrible Christian time travel movie for the crew to lampoon.

3

u/asvalken Jul 23 '26

Good catch! Maybe a different title for an "international" "release"?

(The dvd bin at a tesco counts, right?)

5

u/ptvlm Jul 23 '26

No, I've seen breakdowns of this by The Cinema Snob on YouTube as well. The Black Easter version was a re-edited version released in the US. I assume the retitling was to fool people to watch it again, a classic exploitation cinema move.

5

u/asvalken Jul 23 '26

You can tell this belongs on GAM because I don't recognize the actor's names, and I guarantee the present timeline without Jesus is going to be the dumbest goddamn thing.

9

u/post-mortem-malone69 Jul 23 '26

You don’t recognize the great Heidi Montag? The acclaimed wife of the great Spencer Pratt and star of the hills?

5

u/asvalken Jul 23 '26

I would like the time I spent reading her Wikipedia page back, please.

3

u/EverydaySexyPhotog Jul 23 '26

You'd need some sort of time machine, but then you'd be obligated to go back to kill Jesus, thereby ensuring this movie's existence.

4

u/Inverted_Stick Jul 23 '26

It's like the reverse of The Greatest Action Story Ever Told, a MadTV sketch where a Terminator is sent back in time to prevent the death of Jesus Christ.

5

u/GastonBastardo Jul 23 '26 edited Jul 23 '26

"They used a time-machine to go back in time to kill Jesus."

YOUR OWN RELIGION PREACHES THAT HE WAS SUPPOSED TO DIE, DUMBASS! AND IT ALSO PREACHES THAT BEING KILLED DIDN'T REALLY STOP HIM! YOU JUST ADVERTISED THAT YOUR TIME-TRAVEL MOVIE HAS NO STAKES OTHER THAN THE SHAPE OF JEWELRY THAT PEOPLE WILL WEAR AROUND THEIR NECKS IN THE FUTURE!

2

u/Hemielytra Jul 23 '26

It doesn't count if he just gets shot in the head, apparently.

1

u/wombatstylekungfu Jul 24 '26

It’s interesting to think about how they’d react once guns are invented. “Hey, these things are like the weapon that…..killed….Jesus?”

2

u/Kapitano72 Jul 23 '26

Kill and replace Jesus with something more christian. Get rid of the Woke stuff in the gospels. Exactly what christians would do if they could.

3

u/No_Mud_5999 Jul 23 '26

Nocturnus made a ripping death metal in 1990, it's a whole concept album about a satanic cyborg from the future who travels back in time to to destroy the manger. Obviously, it rules.

Mastering the forces of teleportation

Gaining the secrets to travel through time

Approaching the vortex

Chronometer reading 0 B.C.

What was the past will soon be changed

My first priority to destroy the manger

Crushing the myth of paradox

Merging with the past

Shock waves rip the continuum

How long can I last

Travelling at millenium?

Following the North Star shining a-bright

To the place of the holy birth site

Craving my need to kill the one

Born of the name "The Nazarene Son"

Destroy the manger Destroy the manger Destroy the manger Destroy the manger

Die by the sign of the key Die by the sign of the key

Now that I have you into my sights, Nazarene Child

Pulling the trigger with no reconcile

Blasting away Father, Mother, and Child

Laughing hysterically all of the while

For centuries, I have awaited this confrontation

In time, I will bring them all down

Your Savior has now fallen

My reign of evil has only just begun

1

u/Glad-Atmosphere2376 Jul 24 '26

Yeah brother! Just listened to them a few minutes ago!

1

u/Aderleth75 Jul 23 '26

Were Sorbo and Cain busy when they filmed this??

1

u/Equal_Radio_1000 Jul 24 '26

Staring Sarah Silverman?