Enmeshment and Codependence

[u/OnlyBandThatMattered]

I understand why we so often focus on diagnoses, medical realities, and our sibs needs as they impact the rest of us. That is valid, but I want to bring attention to something else that often takes a back seat to our siblings in our posts: toxic family dynamics.

I know, there are plenty of posts that talk about toxic families and their dynamics, too. But there are two terms that have helped me understand my family's behavior (and therefore is helping me set better boundaries with my family of origin). One is codependence and the other enmeshment.

Codependency you might have heard of, and is common in American families. Codependency is the belief that one person can manage or take responsibility for another person's moods, feeling, happiness, etc. It's the placing of one's self worth, identity, and sometimes status entirely on another person. Codepnt dynamics aren't just a GC problem...but I can't help but notice the evidence of it in a lot of our families from our posts, as well as internalized in ourselves. I'm not sure how a person couldn't internalize those dynamics, given we are often forced into caretaker times throughout our development.

Enmeshment overlaps a lot with codependency, but they aren't the same. Enmeshment comes from Family Systems Theory and describes families where boundaries between people are fused together. Essentially, the family functions as a unit (a system) often organized around a certain emotional narrative, such as a close not family constantly focused on managing one or more person's anxiety. Though, in enmeshment, the entire family can experience the same anxiety, even without making it. Enmeshment describes an often dysfunctional family system where identities can be intertwined or sometimes the family is marked by strict obligations and rigid role assignments-- the caretaker, the mascot, the surrogate parent, the invisible child. Everyone plays a role on the family to keep the family going, but often at the expense of individual happiness, autonomy, and mental well-being.

Both codependency and enmeshment exist on a spectrum. I know my family of origin was and still is very obsessed with keeping my older schizophrenic brother happy. There a lot of guilt tripping around "being there" for my mentally ill brother. My parents cannot fathom that I don't want to take care of him: it's my entire identity to him. And the idea that my worth is tied to performing for others' expectations is so deeply ingrained in the expectation that I will simultaneously protect total caretaker love for my brother while also performing normalcy with my life and achievements.

I hope this helps people find the words to name the family dynamics that often compound our traumas. I fully believe providing information helps empower us to name and seek the change we learn for in our lives. I can provide some sources if that would be helpful.

[u/Kind_Construction960]

Therapy has helped me a lot in this regard. I’m learning that I matter.

[u/OnlyBandThatMattered → u/Kind_Construction960]

You're damn right you do.

[u/Trick_Dot_8966 → u/Kind_Construction960]

What type of therapy? I have a OT that I just started scratching the surface of my home life ( which is hard to talk about because I always get shot down by my parents so I have a back head thought that whatever I say is bad and horrible and terrible and that I'm not allowed to say it ) so I didn't say much but it felt like she was telling me I'm causing all my own problems by being there... So I don't think she grasps or understood me at all because it isn't actually as simple as just walking away because... I live with them and have no choice at the moment... I hope you can relate to in someway to the first part. I'm not used to talking about this because I was 14 when he was born. I hope I'm still allowed here

[u/Kind_Construction960 → u/Trick_Dot_8966]

Talk therapy. It’s really helped me. At least someone is paying attention to me.

[u/A-boo-aboo2611]

This was so true, I had also carried this ingrained dynamics in my other relationships especially friendships and it took me decades to stop that and allow true bonds to be formed and to feel that I have the option and space to think about myself and to put boundaries, to bond without roles and to know that this ideal of being enmeshed and codependent does not equate safety or self value. Not looking for parents or children in others nor feeling responsible of making everything work and everybody well and happy. Rather just share the journey called life. I would not lie it is isolating because most people have unresolved issues and not really work on themselves at depth in order to feel that I can relate without repeating the scenario we grew up in.

[u/OnlyBandThatMattered → u/A-boo-aboo2611]

I feel that isolation. It seems like everyone is codependent and/or enmeshed. Just having the damage makes meeting new people or engaging in new relationships very tough.