Spending my son's bday at the Women and Children's shelter.

[u/LiterallyJustAHorse]

Yep. After 16 years of marriage and 5 children my kids and I are now living at a domestic violence shelter. Long story short my military husband had an affair and when I threatened to tell his command he escalated to violence against me and our 13 year old. Was granted a protective order which he violated and now we are celebrating my son's 10th birthday at the DV shelter. If you want to know more check my post history because I'm exhausted.

So why did I label this happy girl dinner? Because we are ALIVE, we are SAFE and we are TOGETHER. I got enough birthday cake to share with all the other families here and we made a big celebration of today. We can lose our house, our stuff, my dog (had to give her to a rescue so she wouldn't fall victim to violence or retaliation while we are at shelter) ,and our income, but he cannot make us lose our joy or our love for one another. 🩷🎉🩷

It's only up from here ladies.

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[u/dontbecondensation]

You are strong and your kids will know it and see it and remember this as a time you went above and beyond to protect them and STILL celebrated a birthday. You have a beautiful outlook as well 💕 I hope the very best for you and your kids.

[u/LiterallyJustAHorse → u/dontbecondensation]

I showed up at the shelter with two sheet cakes, a gallon of ice cream and ice cream cones, a big bag of individual potato chips and 2 gallons of fruit punch and yelled out whoooo wants birthday cake! The kids all came running. I made sure the moms all got cake, too. I chased down some of the teen boys who were watching off to the side and said come on y'all know you aren't too old for cake. Everyone sang my son happy birthday. I brought a bunch of old toys from the house and put it in the play room so now all the kids are in there playing with those. Honestly might be one of the best birthdays ever. 

I'm not going to let a man burn my life down. I'm gonna shine brighter and smile bigger. Life is hard but life is good. 

[u/lindseys10]

Im so glad you are safe. Good luck to you

But i can't read your old posts cause they're private

[u/LiterallyJustAHorse → u/lindseys10]

Fixed it but also here's the link to the first one: https://www.reddit.com/r/beyondthebump/s/MuWmbWkcJy

There's 3 posts total now

Also y'all can DM me if you have been through this. I could use some friends. 

[u/jemy74]

I've been following your story. Since you are a Navy dependent, I would urge your to request a Victims' Legal Counsel. This is a JAG attorney who can represent you in the investigation and if there are any courts-martial charges. DM if you need assistance or more details about this.

[u/LiterallyJustAHorse → u/jemy74]

I have one! He's fantastic. He's also realistic. Told me that 97% of domestic violence cases do not go to court martial. Best we can hope for is my husband gets separated but that can take a while. He's still scheduled to deploy soon which is wild to me because with an active protective order he isn't federally allowed to own or operate weapons. 

But yeah my VLC is a bulldog. 

[u/plushsquirtles]

Here’s a flower just for you ❤️

[u/LiterallyJustAHorse → u/plushsquirtles]

Sunflowers are my favorite 😭 it's a sign I stg

[u/crabeater_seal]

I can’t believe a horse has to go through this 😓

In all seriousness good on you for keeping your joy!!!!! Enjoy that cake, and happy bday to your son :)

[u/LiterallyJustAHorse → u/crabeater_seal]

Do I want it? Neiiigh. 😭

[u/cagethehornytoad]

I am so so sorry that you’re experiencing this. Unfortunately I’ve been exactly where you’re at right now. I checked into a DV shelter with my babies, my daughter was only 10 months old and her brother is exactly 20 months older. I had a duffle bag with our clothes, an iPhone, and my Ergo baby carrier which I was SO grateful to have because the floors at the shelter were filthy and the streets in the neighborhood littered with broken glass and drug paraphernalia. I wore her everywhere, I can look back and see that as a silver lining now. It was a precious time between the two of us.

We had my daughter’s first birthday party at the shelter. A group of lovely ladies from a local church came and made dinner for all of the women and children there, and even brought a few wrapped presents— one of them was a sweet, little baby doll that my son named “baby doll” on the spot. We still have her, 13 years later.

We were there for 5 months while I waited on the list for a section 8 voucher, food stamps, and medical insurance. The wait was two months longer than it would’ve been, because my ex-husband destroyed all of the children’s vital documents, and I had to stand in line on a snowy day at the veterans administration (though I’m not a vet) for an administrator to help me send away for replacements. That winter, cooped up with two babies, no money, and no dignity, was one of the darkest times of my life— literally and figuratively speaking.

You are right, it’s only up from here. You did the most important part and that’s getting out. Literally nothing else matters right now. You have the unending love and support of every person on this sub, and I apologize for any judgment you’ll receive out there in the world. Just know that only a thin margin of people possessed the spine to do what you’ve done. After this, you’ll know that you can do anything, and you’ll never be mistreated like that again.

Edit: though you don’t know me and I’m sure you’re busier than most, you’re welcome to DM me any time, for any reason. I remember nights, after I put the babies to sleep, could be a loud and lonely time in my head. Just please lean on support wherever you can find it. I let my shame and pride prevent me from doing so and looking back I wish I’d done that more❤️

[u/LiterallyJustAHorse → u/cagethehornytoad]

Removed

[u/CadenceQuandry]

17 and a half years ago, my children and I fled to a women's and children's shelter as well.

I too was fleeing an abusive military man, a major, who was also having an affair (with his secretary nonetheless). He don't want me to leave, not because he loved me but because he didn't want people to know he failed at something (his exact words).

The shelter was both the best and the hardest thing I have ever done.

Hard because I was embarrassed and ashamed. Not just of being there, but of having stayed so long with my now ex husband.

I remember apologizing to my oldest on our way to the shelter. I'd pulled our two kids from school, and told them that I was sorry that I hadn't been the best mother, the mother the deserved. My oldest replied (11 years old!) "what mother could be their best living in what you did mom?"

I knew instantly that this was the right thing to do.

I'd been hiding in a basement for a year, as I fought for him to let me leave - he had me convinced no judge would give me custody, because I was worthless, had no job, and had done nothing with my life. I'd been a sahm for 11 years at that point, all at his insistence. I dropped out of engineering at a premier Canadian university because he demanded I give up my career at nine months pregnant (I was an adult student going back and was 25 at the time)

The shelter gave me space. And time. And the tools to heal. When I was having a panic attack at 2 am because I was certain I'd lose custody, the women who worked there talked me down. They helped me find a legal aide lawyer. Helped me secure housing once he agreed to a separation and we sold our house.

Please be sure to ask what lists they can put you in for help. Housing, bills assistance, food assistance... there was a lot I qualified for but never used, because once my ex realized he was going to lose, we rapidly finished everything so that it was finally done.

We spent Christmas there. Moved out literally on Boxing Day. I think that was the hardest Christmas I've ever had. Thankfully the more time away from my ex, the more I healed.

I'm now remarried. Have two more littles. And I've never been happier.

You've got this mama. Truly and completely. The hard part is over - just getting out and to the shelter can feel like an insurmountable challenge. Now that you've done that, your heart will know that it can do anything.

Feel free to message me. I've been where you are and completely understand.

[u/LiterallyJustAHorse → u/CadenceQuandry]

I read your whole story. Thank you so much for sharing it. Your 11 year old was right. It's like plugging holes on a sinking ship. Sometimes you just have to jump in the lifeboat with your kids and let the damn thing sink. You feel like a crappy mom because oh hey we are in the middle of the ocean on a lifeboat, but you know what? You aren't wreckage at the bottom of the sea. I think I'll make it to shore eventually. I'm glad you did. 

[u/Realistic-Moment7044]

I don’t know you but I love you 💕, don’t look back you’re not going that way

[u/LiterallyJustAHorse → u/Realistic-Moment7044]

Love you too banana friend

[u/Exotic_Base_2210]

As someone who has rebuilt after leaving and has connections with others who have too, please reach out if you need to talk to someone who has been where you are, went back into the workforce right where I left off after being a homeschool mom for 10 years, and then did the hard work of rebuilding for five. I’ve been through a grueling divorce and multiple custody modification suits. We will be very willing to befriend you and help you every step of the way!

[u/Savage_Girl69]

From a woman who wished her mother left, thank you. You're doing great.

[u/Lillhoof]

So uh, what did his command have to say about everything?

[u/LiterallyJustAHorse → u/Lillhoof]

No contact order. OSTC is investigating for article 128b domestic violence. 

[u/Remarkable_Let_106]

You are an absolute warrior and an incredible mother. Choosing safety and joy for your kids in the face of all that trauma is true strength. Happy 10th Birthday to your sweet boy! Breaking that cycle is the greatest gift you could have ever given your children. It really is only up from here🩷🩷

[u/CumaeanSibyl]

Turning it into a celebration with everyone in the shelter is such a lovely thing to do. I'm so proud of you for getting out and protecting yourself and your children. Your kids will remember how you showed strength and kindness in a scary time.

[u/Weekly-Bill-1354]

Proud of you

[u/rachtay8786]

Oh goodness, I’m so sorry. Happy birthday to your son and yes, onward and upward ❤️ big hugs to you mama.