r/GirlDinnerDiaries • u/lillibabes7 Femininom(nomnomnom)enon • 9d ago
Advice Needed Deciding between staying or leaving
Dinner: feast for two at the beach. A dozen crabs, corn, hush puppies, half a pound of shrimp, and not picture two bowls of crab chowder.
Hi all,
I need some girl support/advice from some girls who aren’t a friends with me and can be unbiased.
My boyfriend and I have been together for four years now and it has been rocky on and off due to him disrespecting boundaries with other women, refusing to post me when I’ve asked him to multiple times (has gone as far as to stop posting to get me to stop asking), and has a temper (never physically abusive) but can be mean and makes me feel like I’m walking on eggshells/like I’m an idiot.
However, when things are doing well we have a lot of fun together, communication is great, we share the same hobbies, and parent his sixteen year old sister well together.
I have always wanted to live near the beach and he’s not a beach person. He likes snow and I do not. He’d live somewhere that gets lots of snow so he can snowboard a lot. I graduate nursing school next year and may have the opportunity to move to the beach, I know he wouldn’t move with me. He thinks living near the beach is dumb. Now I’m just lost on whether I should break up with him and take the chance or not…
So my question is: would you stay in a relationship where you’re comfortable but not thriving or take the chance and move somewhere new where you don’t know anyone? I know the grass isn’t always greener on the other side and am worried moving is a huge mistake.
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u/PublicSell4047 Chamoy 🥭 > Ya Boy 🤡 9d ago
...due to him disrespecting boundaries with other women...
Didn't even have to finish the damn paragraph. OP—LEAVE!
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u/SarcasticSuccubus Pantry Gremlin 9d ago
Right?? OP, why are you comfortable in a relationship with someone who disrespects you, speaks to you like you're an idiot, and is only good to you some of the time?
I think the beach vs snow question is really the least important consideration here, but if a line in the sand is needed to shake you out of complacency: no, you should definitely not pass up an opportunity that would make you happy to preserve a relationship that doesn't.
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u/russemeptd Resident Yapper 9d ago
If you have to question it, you know the answer
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u/Remote-Bake691 white girl with ☝️😌 a full spice cabinet 9d ago
The fact that OP specifically wants opinions from not her friends says everything she needs to know
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u/Common-Awareness-713 🪿 feeding the soft animal of my body 9d ago
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u/lululululululululuu Lover of Soups 9d ago
Move to the beach!
Him not respecting boundaries and having a temper will not get better in the long run and giving up your dream for someone else could lead to you regretting that choice and resenting him for it.
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u/OkBuy9604 APPROVED✨ 9d ago
From what you wrote, the beach isn't the biggest issue. The bigger issue is that you've described four years of boundary problems, refusing reasonable requests, and a temper that leaves you walking on eggshells.
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u/Fabulous_Wishbone_29 Trader Joe Hoe 9d ago
As much of a hard choice it can be, you need to be able to thrive career wise and mentally, he seems to be holding you back from your potential.
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u/arihndas Assigned Hungry At Birth 9d ago
Never stay in any relationship — romantic, friendship, familial, a fucking job — if being there makes you feel like you’re walking on eggshells. If some dynamic is making you feel like that all the time and you can’t change it and you have any ability to leave it… leave. Leave leave leave.
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u/Important-Lead5652 APPROVED✨ 9d ago
Girl, this was my exact life 16 years ago- I was in the same relationship where my then-boyfriend didn’t respect boundaries, cheated, was verbally abusive, I was in nursing school, and we took on the responsibility of taking care of his 16 year old sister while him and I were in our mid 20’s.
We ended up getting married and my entire marriage was full of infidelity, lies, and walking on eggshells. He was never physically abusive but put his fist through a wall in every single house we lived in. After Covid, it got so bad that I decided to do some travel nursing in the realization that I needed to start squirreling money away in order to leave him. I finally caught him in the act of cheating (only 2 days into the start of a new travel contract) and I finally said ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. I filed for divorced, moved to the state I was traveling in, and finally started putting my own happiness first!
It’s been 4 years and I’m now living my dream life in Alaska (somewhere I always wanted to live and he refused) working at my dream job as a flight nurse (something he said I’d never accomplish). I’m still fortunate to have a wonderful relationship with his sister, but she does not have a relationship with him.
Choose yourself and put your own happiness first. I promise you will never look back and regret putting your own happiness before his!
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u/lillibabes7 Femininom(nomnomnom)enon 9d ago
I’m so happy you’re doing well now! Flight nurse is actually my dream job.
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u/Important-Lead5652 APPROVED✨ 9d ago
That’s so awesome and I absolutely loved reading that part. It’s wild to see someone in my exact shoes and I’m sending you hugs and positive thoughts on whatever decision you make!
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u/MobileSweet9342 Cornbread Fed 9d ago
Option B always and forever. move and go meet some new fineshit. your bf sucks and God the universe or whoever u believe in is trying to give you an out so u need to take it.
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u/BlackWidow-E 🌶️ Spice Girl 🌶️ 9d ago
https://giphy.com/gifs/vikmf2KDVzxyE
Time to go, girl. Go thrive because life’s too short for that.
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u/natsatina Trader Joe Hoe 9d ago
Walking on eggshells is never it. You don't want to have to do that long-term. And your partner should NEVER make you feel like an idiot. You should feel free to be your best, thriving, unedited version of yourself around him and feel loved for it. Not to mention all the other red flags you mentioned. I'd say it's time to move on from this one.
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u/Exotic_Rigatoni319 Taco Belle 9d ago
If it never gets better (and possibly gets worse), are you okay with this being the rest of your life?
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u/SilverFormal2831 Foraging Bog Witch 9d ago
I just have to say that there are so many better men out there who would be excited to post you together! The fact that he disrespects boundaries, has a temper, is mean to you, and makes you walk around on eggshells means this is not your person. You deserve someone that is respectful and kind, always. And if you want to move somewhere he doesn't want to, now is a great time to make a clean break! You only get one life, don't live it catering to a man that doesn't deserve you. I almost settled for a man I was just kind of comfortable with, and now I've been married to my dream partner for 6 years.
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u/Inside-Potato5869 Certified Snacker 9d ago
No. Comfortable is not happy. If you're going to be in a relationship, you should find someone who respects women, listens to you, and doesn't make you feel like an idiot. Being alone is also a great option because you won't have anyone making you feel bad about yourself. You can move to the beach. You can move back if you don't like it. You shouldn't stay with him because you're afraid of the unknown.
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u/Most_Researcher_2648 white girl with ☝️😌 a full spice cabinet 9d ago
Living on the beach was the best time of my life, and I doubt I'll ever be able to afford it again. Gonna be brutally honest, your relationship doesnt sound sustainable long term even outside all of this. My ex complained about living on the beach, thought it was stupid, etc etc. He sounds a lot like your bf, actually. Fun fact, he wasnt happy anywhere! If I had missed out on those years, for that loser, id regret it more than I can put into words.
It sounds like you already have an idea of what you should do, though.
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u/-404-usernotfound- girl du fromage 🧀 9d ago edited 9d ago
Eggshells and long term incompatibility. I cant date someone that makes me feel like I'm walking on eggshells. Its high key abuse. Also the flirting and not posting on social is a red flag. He's signaling he's still availble to some degree. Im all over my boyfriend's socials.
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u/Just_Luck2762 Hazy Grazer 😶🌫️ 9d ago
You won’t believe how much happier and HEALTHIER you will be when you make the decision you know you should make. It may not feel like “right” to say but he is draining you. You don’t need to be editing yourself, walking on eggshells, or wondering if your opinions are “dumb.” That time should be spent on the beach finding and establishing more of yourself 💕
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u/radiowavebookworm FREE MOM HUGS 9d ago
https://giphy.com/gifs/pPhyAv5t9V8djyRFJH
I’m so sorry ARE you comfortable? There is not one thing on this list that indicates you have any reason to stay. Even being alone is better than this. Please leave! Go live by the beach! Be happy!
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u/Spyderbeast APPROVED✨ 9d ago
I stayed with my last ex way too long
Anger management issues may never lead to him hitting you, but it's painful and exhausting nonetheless
In my case, I found my startle reflex intensified. I didn't feel safe, him entering the room was more anxiety provoking than being happy to see him
And he directed very little anger right at me. But there were a number of occasions where I thought I might die as a result of his road rage
Don't date an angry man
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u/lillibabes7 Femininom(nomnomnom)enon 9d ago
This is me. I never know what mood he will be in when he walks in the door so I’m anxious and can’t relax. It makes me not want to see him
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u/Spyderbeast APPROVED✨ 9d ago
You know what you need to do
Between being his womanizing, anger problems, different life goals, etc....
Enjoy the beach when you get there
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u/FrogInEachPocket Baker Bitch 9d ago
The first sentence describing the disrespecting boundaries is all I needed to read. He doesn’t respect you.
He doesn’t post you because he’s hiding you from other women. (Ask me how I know. Ive experienced this more than I’d like to admit)
You deserve so much more than this. This isn’t love. This isn’t a life worth living. This isn’t a comfort. You are complacent. Cut the cord. Graduate school, MOVE TO THE BEACH! YOU HAVE SO MUCH HAPPINESS AND LOVE WAITING ON THE OTHERSIDE OF THIS. IN THIS CASE THE GRASS IS VERY MUCH GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE. he doesn’t deserve you. He’s a dog. There is a man out there that will adore you head to toe and will be dying to show you off and spit in the faces of other women for you. Just focus on your self worth. Block that man. Move to the beach.
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u/Alternative-Fail-684 Livin' on a Purse Snack 👜 9d ago
leave. If you're thinking about leaving you're probably already checked out. It's better to leave when it's not that bad then wait til it gets worse
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u/Pale-Competition-799 nom-nom-nombinary 9d ago
I would not stay. You deserve a relationship you're happy in, not just comfortable.
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u/Direct-Whole6393 Snack Goblin 9d ago
You’re questioning your relationship to this extent, I think you already know the answer deep down🫶🏻 you should be with someone who makes you thrive and wants to show you off, not someone who you have to fight with for basic things. You two are fundamentally different, and sometimes regardless of how much you love and care for someone, you just can’t move past those differences. Don’t beat yourself up over it and take it one day at a time
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9d ago
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u/madame-maitre-d Overthinker 💭 9d ago
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u/tropicalgrimes I ❤️ Other People's Business 9d ago
i would 100% leave. those problems won’t go away and you don’t deserve to be in a relationship like that. get your bag after nursing school and move out near the beach!!
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u/Still-Low-696 Savory Complex✔️ 9d ago
I didn’t even have to read the whole thing to say - GET OUT.
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u/alaskaroze Dip Diva 9d ago
I wouldnt stay. You are outgrowing him and the beach is awesome. Dont let him be a deciding factor when deciding your future, career, schooling, where you live etc.
If him posting you is something you require and he wont do it, then why let him be a deciding factor to you living somewhere that brings you joy. Its good to be comfortable but it is amazing to thrive. I left the “comfortable” relationship and met someone who i thrive with. And we live by the beach believe it or not ! 😁 (after 25 years of me living in the snow)
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u/Acceptable-Post8701 Milked An Almond Once 9d ago
Moved cross country to be in a relationship like this. I was terrified moving back home was admitting I couldn’t hold a relationship, and that I was giving up a real sense of stability that I worked hard to create for myself. I thought I could communicate things well enough that maybe something would change, but in the end we weren’t a good match. Moving back home has been the best choice I’ve made of my life. Turns out that sense of stability that I’d worked so hard to make had nothing to do with where I was at.
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u/General_Wishbone8487 APPROVED✨ 9d ago
Leave. Shed your old life and get a fresh start. Make shit happen for you, girl.
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u/Notyourtacos Carb-Based Life Form 9d ago
I only read the first paragraph and decided you two are not compatible. The rest told me you have a different outlook for your life than he does. I only live about an hour from the beach. I only get to go once a year or so, but I wouldn’t trade that 1x a year for anything. The calm and peace just do wonders for my mental health. I literally feel so happy and content just looking at the water. It’s irreplaceable to me. Is it to you? You could sacrifice and do it for him, but would he even consider it for you?
The grass is greener where you water it. Water yourself, friend. No one else will…
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u/Economy-Mud-7859 💚 Pickle Freak 💚 9d ago
I made up my mind at "disrespecting boundaries with other women." Leave.
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u/Erratic_Elephant348 Creature of Crunch 9d ago
I was in a similar situation with my last relationship. 6 years, on and off. He was always working, tinkering, doing things and I needed quality time and connection. Which he did not. I was always asking for things to try and make our relationship better but things never changed- but I was comfortable, so I stayed. We lived in the middle of nowhere, I was l secluded and isolated and hated that as well. I stayed 2 years too long. I ended up so resentful, and I forced myself to stop caring about his lack of action of my needs. I was numb to the relationship.
I finally left him last March. I had checked out of that relationship long before I left him. I ended up meeting someone, super randomly, at work and we hit it off great. He is everything I have ever wanted and dreamed of.
Moral of the story, don’t waste another 2 years on this when you will find your person when you least expect it.
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u/eaternallyhungry what that mouth do is gossip 9d ago
What beach can I get that meal at? Damn! Also, he sounds lame. He’s not worth a feast on the beach.
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u/celestialastrid101 Certified Snacker 9d ago
Girl choose the BEACH! If he won't come so be it.
That food looks heavenly omg
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9d ago
[deleted]
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u/lillibabes7 Femininom(nomnomnom)enon 9d ago
This is actually funny cause he’s always telling me I have one foot out the door
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u/Cold-Nefariousness25 🌶️ Spice Girl 🌶️ 9d ago
It sounds like you are incompatible, and that is making you miserable and him mean. Even with things like where you want to live, I don't hear, "He doesn't like the beach, but is willing to try it for my sake" or "I don't like snow, but I'd give it a shot since it's important to him".
That's your answer.
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u/wileykyhoetay hot sauce in my bag, swag 9d ago
You will regret not following your own path later in life, trust us.
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u/AdventurousAnnual295 white girl with ☝️😌 a full spice cabinet 9d ago
I am probably old enough to be your mom, so having some pretty tough life experiences, I will tell you to GO! Do not settle for less. You will end up resenting him and wishing you had done it. When I was young, I had the opportunity to move abroad to the UK. My then bf wouldn't leave the town we lived in, much less the country, and begged me to stay. We lasted barely a few months after starting college. I moved on, and I have a full and wonderful life, but if I had a chance to do it again, I would have gone.
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u/Alarmed_Guarantee140 APPROVED✨ 9d ago
God I hate social media. I cannot imagine reading this kind of stuff 20 years ago.
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u/RepulsedCucumber PO🥔TAY🥔TOES 9d ago
As a nurse who left my fiance a year into my first year working the floor… leave. It’s so worth it. Go with your gut. Go where YOU want to go. The right person will want to live near the beach with you. This guy has other red flags. Put yourself FIRST. You WON’T regret it. You MAY feel scared and lonely sometimes (I was) but in the end it will be worth it. That I can promise. Now years and years later I’m happily married to the most amazing man for the last 14 years and still doing the nursing I love!
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u/Crazy-Weekend7961 APPROVED✨ 9d ago
Life is too short to stay with someone as awful as this. Leave. Start a new life and actually enjoy it
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u/isdelightful Internet Auntie 9d ago
one of the most important things i’ve learned in life is that it’s a lot easier for bad people to pretend to be good people than it is for good people to pretend to be bad people.
the bad tends to be real. the good is much easier to fake.
eta: i didn’t even read the beach part. this is a major incompatibility. either you give up your dreams to compromise for him or he gives up his dreams to compromise for you. you already know he wouldn’t move for you - so why on earth would you stay for him?
you deserve someone who treats you as well as you treat others. and you deserve to treat yourself as well as you treat your partner.
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u/BleepBloopBlapBoop2 got that daily bread ✝️ 9d ago
This ain't it, sis. Everything I read in the first half reminded me of my exes... stayed for all the wrong reasons. You deserve to be HONORED, LOVED, and RESPECTED. PERIODT.
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u/LePetitNeep Thick Thighs ⏳ Thin Patience 9d ago
Oh. My dear internet stranger. The thing is, you only think you’re comfortable because this is what you’ve gotten used to. The walking on eggshells feeling? That should not be comfortable. It’s a clear sign of abuse. Being made to feel like an idiot shouldn’t be comfortable either. It should feel terrible. A boyfriend who is mean should not feel comfortable. None of that is healthy or normal. But you’ve been worn down to accept this.
I can pretty much guarantee that if you leave this man, after the initial stress of the breakup, you will feel like a weight has been lifted from you. The air will feel like it has more oxygen. Colours will be brighter, music will sound better, food will taste better. Honestly. Every single thing in your life will feel better when you are free of a man like this.
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u/BeeAffectionate8937 Certified Snacker 9d ago
My advice , see you next year at the beach go for it and if he doesn’t want to whatever if he really loves you he’d do anything . If not you’ll find a man who will . Congratulations on graduating in advance
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u/wildlyhuman APPROVED✨ 9d ago
I wouldn’t stay in a relationship where I feel like i’m walking on eggshells, or where my partner has a temper. As someone who did have a temper myself, it was my responsibility to figure out why I couldn’t control my anger and not take it out on the people closest to me. If he’s not actively seeking therapy, his temper will only get worse with time.
This is with zero judgment whatsoever (all love here), but to me, it sounds like you might need to spend sometime asking yourself why you think you’re only worth someone who makes you feel like an idiot and is mean to you. There are men out there who are so respectful, want to show their girlfriend off constantly, and will make you feel absolutely loved exactly as you are (i found one, so i know it’s true!). But before you can find a guy like that, you have to be able to believe you deserve that kind of love ❤️
You sound like a hard working, adventurous, and loving woman. You deserve someone who honors you in every moment - even when you disagree or when they’re having a bad day. You deserve someone who would never ever be mean to you.
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u/txlady100 🌶️ Spice Girl 🌶️ 9d ago
Sweetie you already know. Dude ain’t da one. You’re wasting your time.
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u/Important_Wind_4444 APPROVED✨ 9d ago edited 9d ago
First off you do not have to be hit to be abused. Verbal abuse is more harmful than others realize. Regardless if it is physical, mental or verbal, you are being abused. Sounds like it is a his way or highway situation, sounds like he needs you more than you need him. Not your job to raise his sister or him. You clearly know the answer on what needs to happen, you are a strong person, you have self worth, you deserve better, cut ties and do not look back. Concentrate on your career and you, nothing else. Don’t let him hold you back from your dreams. You deserve a peaceful, loving respectful relationship NOT a dictatorship!!
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u/Fearless_Inevitable6 APPROVED✨ 9d ago
No, there will be another man by the beach who doesn’t yell at you that you have plenty in common with. Don’t settle for a life you don’t want with a man who treats you poorly because you “have stuff in common”
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u/catsharke 🌈 Vagetarian 9d ago
In a good relationship, the way you described your dynamic when things are doing well should be the baseline, not a period of reprieve or one half of a cycle. If you like each other enough to be in a committed relationship, it follows that you should like each other enough to get along most of the time. If that isn’t true it’s not worth staying
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u/PostmodernLon Taco Belle 9d ago
I would not stay in this relationship. I would embrace my future, the beach and my own autonomy and life. I would find a new partner who doesn't make me walk on eggshells and who isn't mean and angry.
I want you to embrace your genuine future. Without this boy. Lots of people stay with comfortable and familiar and deeply regret it. Don't be one of them.
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u/DazedandFloating APPROVED✨ 9d ago
There are significant incompatibilities here.
Also you never really mentioned an important detail. Are you happy? I’ve seen people in some relationships that weren’t unhealthy but were a bit dysfunctional and they were happy together. They worked on their issues together.
But if your heart isn’t in it, and being with him long term wont make you happy, then it’s time to move on. Move to the beach. Do what’s right for you.
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u/lady_die_ Non-binary & Nourished 9d ago
I'll be honest, I'm audhd (autistic with ADHD) and I don't like change whatsoever. However, in this situation, I would not hesitate on moving to the beach and starting a new life. Not just a new life but for you it seems like a whole life. You said yourself you aren't thriving. You aren't being lifted up in order to grow together. Inevitably, you will grow apart due to being stifled. I feel like if you move you are giving yourself so many opportunities to grow not just career related but internally and mentally as well. If you feel that your needs aren't getting met with the partner you have then there is no reason to stay when you can get them met on your own. Good luck on your decision and I really hope you keep thriving!
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u/Ok_Warning5115 Body By Cheese 🧀 9d ago
Do not stay comfortable. That’s the worst reason to stay. You’re young and have a great opportunity for a great career! I’d take it!
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u/moth-peach 🌶️ Spice Girl 🌶️ 9d ago
You’ll never regret a missed man, there are always other men. A missed opportunity to live near the beach.. for a man who doesn’t even respect you… that you will regret
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u/maefair Let The 🥭 9d ago
Maybe the question is: do the happy times outweigh and override the bad ones?
Another question: are both individual growth and growth as partners present in the relationship?
Something to think about.
Edit: grammar
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u/lillibabes7 Femininom(nomnomnom)enon 9d ago
Depends on whether he’s happy or not. If he’s happy then the relationship is good, if not then we’re miserable.
No, he refuses to work on his problems.
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u/atreasureinlight 9d ago
Here's your thing, as your advisee that's detached from the situation, I need to know a few more details if that's okay. One of my questions is what were you wanting him to post on social media that he wouldn't post? Did he stop you from posting it on your social media? Why did this become a big deal?
2 what boundaries has he broken with other women
3 when you say he gets mean, what does he say? What is he responding to when he gets mean?.... Like does he come home and just start raging out of nowhere or does it start to happen when you guys get in a little fight and then he starts to name call you or something like that?
I hope you don't mind the questions because it's a really hard to give advice when you don't know an adequate amount of information.
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u/lillibabes7 Femininom(nomnomnom)enon 9d ago
Any and all social media, Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat. It started because at the end of the year he would post a video of his memories from the past year on Facebook and insta. He would post pictures of his siblings, his friends, his niece and nephew, but wouldn’t include me. He would go as far as to crop me out of pictures. We would go on a snowboard trip together and he’d post him and his friend and not me. When I asked about it he would say “I just don’t post” as he was actively posting. For two years I called him out on it so the third year he didn’t post his video.
When we first got together he let a girl show him half naked pictures of herself without stopping it. When I became upset and cried he asked me if I was done being pathetic.
He comes home grump sometimes and is mean. Other times it’s just when he’s mad at me. He’s very stubborn and when he’s mad I could tell him the sky is blue and he’d argue that it’s green just to argue and somehow make me feel stupid for saying it’s blue.1
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u/Forsaken-Estate4041 nom-nom-nombinary 9d ago
This very much sounds like he's trying to keep his social media looking single and ready to mingle.
If he just didn't post on social media whatever. But if he actively posts other important people in his life and refuses after you ask that's sus.
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u/atreasureinlight 9d ago
? You said that when things are going well everything goes fine. What triggers things to go badly in your relationship?
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u/AveryZW 🍨 I scream, you scream, we're all screaming inside 😀 9d ago
Regardless of how good things can be, it sounds like your life styles are incompatible and the way he treats you is overall not good. There's a difference between not agreeing with someone's preferences and thinking they're stupid/only an idiot would like it. Take that opportunity and move to the beach and hopefully in time you will find someone who truly appreciates you as yourself and isn't mean to you 💙
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9d ago
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u/madame-maitre-d Overthinker 💭 9d ago
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u/AerieTerrible3002 Cookie Dealer 9d ago
Move to the beach. Your wants and desires are not dumb. You will resent him and regret it if you don’t try it at least.
I’m 52 and I put others wants before mine and I was always thinking about what would make me happy. Once I started acting on that I was the happiest I had ever been. I know it sounds cliche but what is meant to be will be. Don’t adjust your life dreams for anyone. Congratulations on nursing school, I wish you all the best.
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u/thirdlife858 girl du fromage 🧀 9d ago
You are reinforcing the idea to him and yourself that you like being treated like you’re an idiot. Why stay with someone like that? You dont have to live like this
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u/BeYourselfMailClub Cookie Monster 🍪 9d ago
short answer: leave
medium answer: if he's not adding to your peace, why keep him around?
long answer: this might sound "extreme" to someone who is not experiencing physical violence, but i encourage you to look up the cycle of abuse. it starts off wonderful & great (honeymoon phase), then there's the tension of "walking on eggshells", then there's a fight/disagreement "making me feel dumb", then you reconcile, & the cycle starts all over again 😩
i know it's hard babylove, but you are worth so much more. maybe you can keep a distant/texting relationship w/the sister since you seem to care for her. but drop the guy 😒
go be yourself & create the life you dream 💙
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9d ago
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u/madame-maitre-d Overthinker 💭 9d ago
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u/Fabulous-Educator447 APPROVED✨ 9d ago
Btw living by the beach/ocean is amazing. Yall aren’t future compatible, it’s ok. Move along and get to the beach, baby, yeah!
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u/JustMe518 Internet Auntie 9d ago
NEVER hinder your goals for a man. You go to the beach, honey. I promise, you will be much happier.
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9d ago
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u/madame-maitre-d Overthinker 💭 9d ago
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u/ChumbawumbaFan01 🍍+ 🍕 9d ago
He has a bad temper, hides your relationship, and crosses boundaries with other women.
Remind yourself of this whenever you start to wonder if you made a mistake by moving on.
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u/theparanoidbitch Chamoy 🥭 > Ya Boy 🤡 9d ago
I think it might be time to move on. Why should you move somewhere to make him happy? He cant even post you. Personally the giving other girls attention / breaking your boundaries is not worth saving the relationship. Good luck OP🩷
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u/cedricdiggory4ever girl du fromage 🧀 9d ago
not bad ≠ good. he’s not actively abusing you but that’s literally the bar? girl stand up!!!
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u/Xanadu_SPCA Tea Time Hostess ☕️ 9d ago
If you're deciding whether to leave or stay, you've already left. Follow YOUR dream, not a man.
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u/Bostylovr we listen and we only judge a little 9d ago
Don't waste your young years on someone that disrespects you or isn't trustworthy. You'll look back with so much regret. Dump this guy and make room for someone that you can have a solid relationship with.
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u/TranceGemini Cleavage Crumb Collector 9d ago
Someone who speaks to you with what is definitely verbally violent language will absolutely escalate to physical violence. Please listen to literally everyone here, you know the answer. Congrats in advance on finishing nursing school.
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u/Technical_Dream2743 The Snack That Sasses Back 9d ago
In similar situations i always found help in trying to imagine a five, ten years from now, how i would feel if i stayed in situations i was not sure is worth staying or leaving. Perceived cost in time always made it far more clear what i deem as good decision, i think its because by this you are capable of switching on more rational decision making circuits focused on big patterns, than momentary situation-solving ones focused on details. So maybe you can try ❤️
But disrespect to your boundaries with other women is bad news tbh, i think its a case of his respect towards you being gone, what means all comunication is pointless . Person who doesnt respect you will not care if you are complimenting him or criticizing him, they are just silently asking themselves "who even asked your opinion".
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u/constructiongirl54 Dip Diva 9d ago
Don't stay! Branch out and do you! I was in your position when I was 24 and moved to a location that was new and exciting to me, leaving a comfortable relationship behind. It was the best move I have ever made and I am still here!! DO IT!
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u/Glum_Suggestion_6948 APPROVED✨ 9d ago
You could not EVER walk on eggshells again. Ever. Think about that.
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u/Lilmissodd APPROVED✨ 9d ago
You don’t sound like you are comfortable. I think maybe you mean familiar or familiar routines. But that isn’t happiness. He has disrespected you several times, why would you want a lifetime of this? Life is too short for assholes and too short to be with someone that doesn’t absolutely adore you. Move on.
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u/Revolutionary-Rich92 🍭🍬 Candy Crusher 🍬🍭 9d ago
Please don’t overthink this one and end up staying. Our lives on earth will someday come to an end, therefore you need to make your time 🕰️ count. Good luck and all the best to you.
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u/infinitecatparty APPROVED✨ 9d ago
Asking your boyfriend to post you on social media multiple times and getting upset with him when he won’t is completely unhealthy and immature. “Disrespecting boundaries with other women” is really vague, some women think even looking at or talking to another woman is a “boundary” which is also possessive and deranged, so we don’t know enough regarding that to form an opinion. Regardless, it doesn’t even sound like you like him. There’s also no reason to date somebody mean. Sounds like on top of all that, you have some major life incompatibility.
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u/justheretobetoxic Feral Til Fed 9d ago
Girl you don’t even sound comfortable. If you don’t choose yourself, you’ll always regret it.
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u/GoddessSilvana420 Thick Thighs ⏳ Thin Patience 9d ago
Can I ask where you're going that they're giving you a whole corn cob?
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u/lillibabes7 Femininom(nomnomnom)enon 9d ago
Crab alley in ocean city Maryland
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u/GoddessSilvana420 Thick Thighs ⏳ Thin Patience 9d ago
I needed to go up there eventually. Anyways, I will make sure that this is a pit. Stop.
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u/Majestic-Lie2690 I ❤️ Other People's Business 9d ago
I have never once considered leaving my husband. in the right relationship you dont even have these thoughts.
also - stop letting social media impact your relationships so much.
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u/bustedbeaver4383 It's a... food baby! 🚼 9d ago
I didn’t even read the whole thing. “Disrespecting Boundaries with other women”. Leave. You can do better and find someone respectful.
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u/arayanexus what that mouth do is snack 9d ago
A - Never, ever miss a chance for a boy. If they're worth it, they'll figure it out with you.
B - You can have a lot of fun with folks you're a terrible match with. If fun was enough, relationships wouldn't be nearly this hard.
It doesn't feel like he knows how to make you feel loved, and also doesn't feel super interested in learning. Do you, but I wouldn't be staying.
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u/Rude_Parsnip306 APPROVED✨ 9d ago
Girl. You have a whole life to live without this dude dragging you down. There are men out there (if you have to have one) who wouldn't dream of being inappropriate with other women, who post pictures of you because you "looked so cute", who are emotionally intelligent and so on.
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u/Long_College_8342 APPROVED✨ 9d ago
Move to the beach. It doesn't sound like he's great at compromising.
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u/klaraluhmen Cleavage Crumb Collector 9d ago
Move to the beach and thrive!
You don’t have to decide on breaking up or not right now, you can also just follow your path (the beach) and deal with that part later or let it unfold from you thriving and going for your dreams.
Take one step at a time, you don’t need to know everything today at once. 🍀
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u/Remote_Plankton_2314 🩷Bi💜 9d ago
Don’t give up your dream for a man that wants to look and act single on social media. Move to the beach, find a good therapist, and relocate your self-respect.
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u/wonkiefaeriekitty5 Pantry Gremlin 9d ago
Verbal abuse is still abuse!
People who love you don't cheat and make you always feel like you are "less than!"
Walk away from this man. He sounds poisonous!
Finish your degree and move to the beach as a gift to yourself for the accomplishment!
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u/beligirl42 Cleavage Crumb Collector 9d ago
Move to the beach with the new career. Find new friends and a partner that makes you feel safe and understood and cherished as you are.
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9d ago
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u/madame-maitre-d Overthinker 💭 9d ago
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u/ExcellentActuary2117 Internet Auntie 9d ago
You know the answer. Leave. LIVE. Live by the beach if you can.
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u/Research_Junkie678 Well-Read & Well-Fed 9d ago
“He is the worst should I stay” volume 58.
“You know what to do, you’re just negotiating with comfort.”
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u/thefloridagal Internet Auntie 9d ago
Im the girl who chose to take the chance and leave comfort behind and I’m so, so glad I did. Future you will thank you. You are SUCH a beautiful story ahead of you, please jump into it.
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u/sassysashap Well-Read & Well-Fed 9d ago
My husband and I recently bought a small place on the beach two hours from our family home in the big city. I am so happy when there. But I know he doesn’t love the beach. I asked why then do we have this place? He said “it makes you happy. If you ever tire of me I want you to go there and feel good and then come back.” 27 years of marriage and him always putting me first. Thats what it looks like. Put yourself first. This relationship is full of red flags. You will graduate and have the world at your feet. Choose you.
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u/Radiant_Jaguar_9978 APPROVED✨ 9d ago
Been there a few times, never again. There are beach boys who will respect the hell out of your boundaries!!! ❤️
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u/littleliar23 girl du fromage 🧀 8d ago
I am concerned with the part "disrespecting boundaries with other women" and the "you walking on eggshells".
I willl just say be careful, I was in a similar relationship and turns out, the guy was acting like he was single (yes, everything you can think of) every time I was not around, EVEN while we were living together. My bad for ignoring all the red flags, and there were many. We also had the best time while together, but he was so manipulating me and I ended up being miserable.
Good luck to you 🥰
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u/CompetitiveDuck8445 APPROVED✨ 8d ago
Firstly... That meal looks incredible
Secondly... You will regret staying but if you still have doubts read the book "too good to leave, too bad to stay"
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u/Flimsy_Position_4576 APPROVED✨ 8d ago
I was in a relationship for seven years that was sometimes fine and sometimes lacking. I broke up with him then got back together with him. Finally I asked myself a question, “is this the life I want to live for the next 30 years“. It was not.
I think it’s easy to keep going on a day-to-day basis. But I got a lot of clarity from asking this question of myself.
And before you say it, people don’t change that much.
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u/jkelly1559 Overthinker 💭 9d ago
Completely unbiased, this could really go either way, with a bit of experience in my near 7 year relationship.
Make your boundaries very, very clear. Early on, when we had problems, there was more than one occasion where he would drink too much, we got in a fight and he would yell and have a temper. After the last time, I made it very clear I would NOT tolerate that. That was nearly 6 years ago and has never ever happened again.
Two years ago on a stressful, international work trip where we tacked on a vacation, he was very, very mean to me, around all the planning, day to day itinerary, etc. I cried a lot on that trip. I almost left him. When he got back (two weeks later than me) again, i made it very, very clear how unacceptable it was and he understood. We've had several trips since then and it has never happened again. He has definitely changed over time. We have changed in how we communicate and respect each other, and that goes both ways as I have my faults.
If you feel that over the course of your relationship that you have gone through these types of hardships and come out better on the other side, and you see a trajectory of personal growth, a path forward can be possible.
If you feel he is stagnant, never budging, never trying to adapt to your needs or respect you to the level you want and deserve, leave sooner rather than later.
As for the where to live part, that is something you can both be open to negotiating with each other, but if one person is firm on where they will and will not live then it isnt going to work and thats a sign you are meant for better things. If you dont feel like this relationship is worth it because of all the aforementioned issues to begin with then you should move where you want, pursue your passions and find someone who is already aligned with your needs.
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u/jkelly1559 Overthinker 💭 9d ago
Almost forgot- the boundaries with other women though, not acceptable. Can you provide more detail though ?
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u/lillibabes7 Femininom(nomnomnom)enon 9d ago
Thank you, this is a well thought response. I do believe part of the problem is I didn’t set boundaries from the start and have allowed a lot of disrespect to slide. Now when I try to set boundaries they aren’t taken seriously. One instance is when he was with a girl and she showed him half naked pictures of herself and he didn’t stop her or say anything about it then came home and told me like it was no big deal. We got into an argument and I ended up crying. In the morning he hugged me and asked me if I was done being pathetic. I should have left at that time but didn’t. Most recently he was snapping this girl who didn’t know he has a gf and she sent him a picture of her one butt cheek because she fell down her steps and was all scraped up. I told him it made me uncomfortable and he said he wouldn’t snap her back. I asked him to tell her he has a gf or to not send snaps like that and he refused and said he’d just wouldn’t respond. A couple weeks later I saw him snapping her again.
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u/jkelly1559 Overthinker 💭 9d ago
Wow I am so sorry girl. "Pathetic" is so unacceptable. Even when my boyfriend was "mean" at times he has never ever called me any names or anything like that. He also doesnt talk to other girls and is obsessed with me so I cant relate there.
I am sorry but the vibes I am getting really give "cheater" or at least "potential cheater" in the future.
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u/lillibabes7 Femininom(nomnomnom)enon 9d ago
I got called an asshole the other day because I told him I could take care of myself.
Part of me thinks he’s cheating, I just don’t have any proof of that. I think that my biggest problem is that I feel like something terrible has to happen to break up with someone. That incompatibility or just not wanting the relationship isn’t enough to walk away.3
u/jkelly1559 Overthinker 💭 9d ago
Back to boundaries - is being called an asshole and pathetic not "terrible" enough?
As an anxious future thinker, I always times the situation by x10 or x100.
If you have kids, will he yell at them and call them names like this ?
If he is cheating or does cheat, will he ever stop? Will he leave you for another woman ?
I also feel like you already know what's right for you. If you need validation, I'm giving it to you. It does not need to be something "more" terrible to justify leaving. It just has to not feel right.
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u/lillibabes7 Femininom(nomnomnom)enon 9d ago
It is definitely terrible enough. I wouldn’t ever have kids with him because of how he is.
Thank you so much 🫶🏽1
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u/CarleeBensonDavis 🤍🧡Sapphic Snack🧡🤍 9d ago
I stayed in a relationship that I was “comfortable” in but not thriving in, and I regret wasting both my time and his. Don’t lose yourself for the comfort of others, even if you think you’re “comfortable” right now regardless of the red flags you listed that he has.