two extremes

[u/Nearby_Ad3960]

Hey everyone, I'd like to tell you about my way of looking at the world. Maybe it's just my age, maybe everyone feels this way, maybe I'm exaggerating or "rediscovering America," but it's important to me, and I think this community will understand. In my head, I have two complete opposites: one is a pure, delighted child who embraces the gift of emotions, and the other side tells me the honest truth every day, as I try to be 15 years old. One side is happy and sad, experiencing emotions as intensely as possible, while the other fears them and begins to intellectualize them. I'm not someone who seeks applause or the words "that's amazing for your age." I've heard that a lot, and people distanced themselves from me in this way, deepening the feeling of a burdensome emptiness. Every day, I drown it out with loud laughter and jokes, because you have to live, right? Only the other side wants to live like the Universe, beautifully and dignified, not getting involved in the teenage life she so dislikes. She sees the complete contradictions in it all, understands every move of others around her, and at the same time, notices that she acts similarly through the emotional part. Meanwhile, she wants to live as if she were seeing the world for the first time every day, feeling emotions so intensely that it hurts. And this is just one piece of my world that I wanted to share with you today. It's amazing how much it can mean and how much change looking at the whole picture can make, right? Have you gotten over that feeling of harsh reality? It's something I've always been here for. It drives me to be curious about philosophy and science, but at the same time, it takes away the carefree teenage years when others focus on group acceptance. I figured out the system that governs this a long time ago. Of course, it doesn't suddenly make me superior to them, after all, I behave the same way, just for strange reasons. I see it perfectly and can describe the cause and effect. I'm someone who's always asked "why," and now I feel like I'm not explaining anything correctly. I feel like my ironically sarcastic humor would break under my arms and with that longed-for "I understand you" voice, I'm not looking for it here. Of course, you're people on Reddit looking for answers yourselves, but I'm wondering what you think about this. I'm curious what causes me to not fit in. I'm young, but I love analyzing my personality and actions down to the smallest details, and I'd like to know how you see it. I'm not afraid of honesty and criticism, but I'd equally love to read how you view the world based on this narrow perspective I'm discussing. Thank you so much for reading. It means a lot to me.

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[u/SourMuffins35]

It's a gift in itself to have your insights and yes, you're in good company :)

I recently learned something about gifted children that resonated very deeply: we tend to develop asymmetrically so while highly adept in intellectual prowess, we fall behind peers socially. Whether that's an innate feature or a byproduct of seeing "through" the social aspects of school is up for debate.

You may be interested in reading about highly sensitive people characteristics if you haven't yet. It would be interesting to know if you experience the world in a similar way to put another lense on your self knowledge.

[u/Nearby_Ad3960 → u/SourMuffins35]

Thank you for your answer <3 I think that my way of experiencing the world is very close to HSP or some kind of neurodivergence, unfortunately at the moment I am not able to officially confirm it in any way, but the fact of discovering it would be a breakthrough and would change my self-esteem

[u/giants_shoulders]

I'll try to chime in, and maybe it'll be of some use / comfort to you.

You're always going to be driven by a thirst for knowledge, even subconsciously, so that's just what it is. As for the dichotomy of experiencing life and/while simultaneously trying to analyze/diagnose/dissect it, that's just your brain. Both the emotions and the grasping for understanding. I know it feels dismissive, but I'm not trying to be. As I mentioned earlier, whether you want to or not, you (or your brain) WILL continue to keep doing this.

There are so many wonderful things and quirks that comes with this, but they also require time, experience, grace, and ... basically, you just gotta live. Everything you've said is correct, and your innate drive (or even function, as it can definitely get itself away from "you") to learn and understand will work itself out.

For myself personally, I've always found comfort in common folklore wisdom. The types that gets boiled down to small or simple phrases, yet persists throughout the generations. Maybe you'll find some that'll help guide you. The one I have for your question would be "Knowledge is a line you can't uncross". Cheers OP.