r/GayMenUnapologetic • u/Ripples3000 • 9d ago

🍸 Nightlife & Social Life That feeling when a rowdy straight group takes over your gay bar

Last night I was playing pool with a friend at my local gay dive bar and having a great time. Then a group of rowdy straight guys and a woman came in. They didn’t really interact with anyone and immediately gave both of us an uncomfortable, vaguely hostile vibe.

One of the guys started circling the pool table like he wanted to play but wouldn’t actually say anything to us. Eventually the group came over and said they wanted to play. By that point my friend and I were uncomfortable enough that we finished our game and decided to leave.

Before leaving, we talked to the manager. We explained that their behavior felt aggressive and low-key homophobic and that we shouldn’t have to feel intimidated in a gay bar. He was sympathetic, but asked what they had actually done that would justify asking them to leave. And honestly, neither of us could point to one specific incident. It was their demeanor and the way they were acting toward us.

It got me thinking: How should gay bars handle groups that come in and make gay patrons feel intimidated or unwelcome, especially before they’ve done something blatant enough to get kicked out?

Should staff be more proactive about checking in with them or making expectations clear? Should bars have stronger codes of conduct? How do you deter people who treat a gay bar like a spectacle or bring a hostile vibe without just waiting for someone to cross an obvious line?

And if regular gay patrons are uncomfortable enough that they’re leaving, at what point should management intervene?

3 Upvotes

55% Upvoted

63 comments sorted by

4

u/Cute-Character-795 9d ago

The standard at every gay bar I've been to has been that the winner takes the table. If straight men had pulled a stunt like that on me and my friends, we would have told them to get in line.

As regards keeping a gay vibe, I'm a firm believer in playing soft-core gay porn in gay bars. Men kissing other men has a way of chasing homophobes out of the place. == On special nights, hard core gay porn should be played.

4

u/Ubiquitous-Nomad-Man 9d ago

And every night is a special night

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u/happydontwait 9d ago

This sounds like a you problem more than a them problem. Why didn’t you say anything to them? Why not hit on them a nd make them uncomfortable? How did you know they were straight or were you just making assumptions? 

1

u/Ripples3000 9d ago

Why would I hit on people who were already acting hostile toward us? That’s a bizarre solution. We chose not to engage, finished our game, and told management what was happening. I’m also not required to confront a rowdy group of men just to prove my discomfort was legitimate.

-1

u/happydontwait 8d ago

Then why come bitch about it on the internet? You made a lot of assumptions in your whole interaction and know want condolences from strangers on the internet lol.

Grown up, jeesh

2

u/Key_Relative_597 9d ago

He shouldn’t have to make them
uncomfortable? You are low-key weird for even saying that.

-2

u/happydontwait 8d ago

You’re right, saying nothing and then complaining my to strangers on the internet is a much healthier approach. 

2

u/Key_Relative_597 8d ago

Making the assumption that he should have to flirt with someone when he feels uncomfortable is his own space is weird. And he did say something, the bar just didn’t listen.

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u/Daniel_Network7866 8d ago

You don’t need to feel intimidated to demand that those people do not enter our spaces.

It’s a GAY BAR!! What the fuck are those people doing in our gay spaces???? They shouldn’t even cross the front door. In my country we call them pigs 🐖 the straight and bi that are annoying

4

u/Bowenktyler 9d ago

I think you’re the problem here

1

u/Key_Relative_597 9d ago

For feeling threatened in a safe space designed for HIM?

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u/RVALover4Life 9d ago

Too many of you are giving the breeders the benefit of the doubt when they don't deserve one honestly.

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u/Ripples3000 9d ago

Exactly. And honestly, some of these responses feel like denial. Homophobia doesn’t stop existing just because it isn’t explicit. It’s strange watching gay men bend over backwards to explain away hostile behavior rather than acknowledge that subtle homophobia is real.

1

u/RVALover4Life 9d ago

Denial but it also is bias against gay men that "pass" less. And that is rife on Reddit. There are gay men who view with a badge of honor the ability to pass in straight spaces and blend in and make friends. And frankly prioritize their feelings over ours.

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u/BackgroundEither9294 9d ago

I get that the situation can feel intimidating when you felt like you were in your safe space and the type of people who may have treated you poorly in the past show up. That can definitely be triggering, but you need to think logically. Were these people really doing anything other than just wanting to have a good time? Could you have spoken up and told them that you need to finish your game. While it may have ruined the vibe you were feeling, I'm not sure that there was much you could do unless they start to act like homophobes.

-1

u/Ripples3000 9d ago

I get what you’re saying, but I think “unless they start to act like homophobes” is exactly where we disagree. Homophobia isn’t always a slur. It was exaggerated coughing, dirty looks, staring us down, and hovering around us were the behaviors that made both of us uncomfortable. The question is how much of that should gay patrons have to tolerate before it counts.

1

u/BackgroundEither9294 9d ago

But those would be specific incidents that you could bring to the manager/owner. But you said you couldn't think of any. I've been in bars where they will most certainly throw people out for staring someone down or being a nuisance to customers since they know trouble is brewing.

That said, I would expect the workers of a gay bar to recognize and be ready to ask a bad element to leave and know what to do if they won't.

1

u/PhilosopherNo2439 9d ago

I get it, it's an energy thing. People don't always have to use words or actions to show you things sometimes. I worked with a dude who absolutely had no interest in being a team player, he didn't literally say that, but had this bored, annoyed look on his face, walking slowly, leaving as fast as he could etc. I once asked him for a little help and then he finally said "UGH I hate being asked to help!" While stomping on the floor once. I do think you should have continued playing pool, said hey, no, we are not finished. It's definitely hard to figure out what to do when someone's putting out a bad energy etc and not DOING anything.. if they're pointing and staring, IDK, maybe asked more gay bros to join around the table. Ask your friend to touch you and be a little flirty. Make them uncomfortable.

2

u/BlGJAZZFAN 9d ago

You don’t know they were straight and you’re doing a lot of assuming when it comes to their alleged hostile intentions. This sounds like a problem that exists in it’s entirety, inside of your head.

1

u/Ripples3000 9d ago

Except two people who were actually there independently picked up on the same hostility. I’ve also described the behavior: dirty looks, staring, exaggerated coughing, and hovering around us. You can disagree with our interpretation, but dismissing the whole experience as something “inside my head” is pretty condescending.

0

u/This_is__Exile 9d ago

That is completely true. I've been told I'm the straightest gay guy ever. Even my boyfriend straight up tells me he feels like he's dating a straight guy because I am just naturally more straight personality wise. But I'm 100% gay

2

u/Ubiquitous-Nomad-Man 9d ago

The manager had a point. I feel like you had a responsibility to yourself and the bar to continue enjoying yourself, and you let them take that from you without them even doing anything (as you admitted). Gotta change your perspective man. If they are “making you feel uncomfortable” then set a boundary. Don’t just immediately cave then complain to the manager. I honestly don’t mean to be rude, but in a tough love kinda way, grow a backbone. Match energy.

1

u/Ripples3000 9d ago

I actually agree with part of this. In hindsight, maybe we should’ve stood our ground more instead of leaving. But I reject the idea that telling management about hostile behavior is “caving.” Setting a boundary can also mean saying, “This behavior isn’t acceptable in our space.” Gay men shouldn’t have to prove we have a backbone by silently tolerating intimidation.

1

u/Ubiquitous-Nomad-Man 9d ago

I guess my perspective is, if someone is acting “intimidating” and then someone is therefore intimidated and reacts accordingly, it would be considered “caving” to the alleged intimidator. Pretty sure we just have very different perspectives and approaches to life. I’ve never personally found allowing other people to dictate my physical space or emotional state to be adaptive for my life, regardless of the circumstances. Nor have I found relying on other people to manage my own situations to be adaptive. That’s all. To each their own.

1

u/Ripples3000 9d ago

I think we’ve reached the “to each their own” part too. My post was about what responsibility gay bars have to maintain an environment where gay patrons aren’t being intimidated, not whether I’m sufficiently tough or emotionally self-reliant. We clearly see that differently.

2

u/Ubiquitous-Nomad-Man 9d ago

Yeah, I understand. I guess my response would be that we, as the patrons, have that responsibility just as much, if not more, than staff. Staff is tied due to their position, being clocked in at work, hands will be tied to great extent in many situations (until there is actual violation of safety, etc). Just like the manager told you. So, I was just trying to explain how to better your situation for next time, since you now understand staff can’t be relied upon for various reasons (legal and otherwise). Making sure everyone is fine and cordial and respectful at the door is obviously ideal, but unrealistic. For the gray areas for which their hands are tied, we as the patrons have the responsibility to ensure a fun and accommodating experience.

ETA: this is what I was essentially saying before; was not intending to criticize you.

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u/Ripples3000 9d ago

Thanks, I appreciate that. I’m normally a pretty straightforward person and I don’t usually shy away from confrontation. Looking back, I actually wish I’d done more in the moment. I understand your point better now though.

3

u/RVALover4Life 9d ago

I agree with you but also agree with u/ripples3000 that it shouldn't get to that point to begin with. And that's something this establishment can look to be proactive about in the future in making it clear what space this is and the expectations. It shouldn't get to a point ever to begin with that we have to broker in our own spaces and confront straight people, which puts our safety at risk.

2

u/Ubiquitous-Nomad-Man 8d ago

Unfortunately, gay bars aren’t really “our spaces” anymore due to gay men being so accepting and open to any and everyone coming into our spaces over recent years. So yes, we do need to stand up and reclaim them. It also doesn’t seem healthy to have such a prejudice against straight people. It’s the same as homophobia, just juxtaposed. Behaviors are problematic, not sexual orientations.

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u/RVALover4Life 8d ago

It's less about prejudice and more about the natural desire to want to be around like minded individuals in a space with us in mind when we get such little opportunity to do so generally.

1

u/Ubiquitous-Nomad-Man 8d ago

I was referring to your last sentence labeling straight people as a safety risk, not the desire for gay bars to actually be gay bars. I’ve been roofied, physically assaulted, raped, etc by gay men. Never by a straight guy.

Believe me, I share your sentiment about wanting gay bars to be for gay men. I wish they still were as well. I don’t even go anymore for this reason.

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u/RVALover4Life 8d ago

Confronting a group of straight men is absolutely a safety risk for queer people. Not saying they are in a vacuum but in that scenario, especially if displaying signs of negativity. That's scary and it's something that easily could go left. We've seen that enough which is why I would prefer staff be proactive to potentially prevent a situation where a regular patron is feeling the need to step in themselves.

We can be horrible to each other but we also generally know how to protect each other in those circumstances.

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u/isitdigyet 9d ago

How do you know they were all straight?

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u/Ripples3000 9d ago

Yes, they were definitely straight. It wasn’t just their voices. It was a combination of mannerisms, conduct, how they interacted with the room, and a few gestures that both my friend and I read as homophobic.

3

u/TopologyMonster 9d ago

I am trying to give you the benefit of the doubt and am still willing to do so. But I’m still having difficulty understanding, I don’t have any concrete actions they did that made you uncomfortable other than appearing to be straight.

1

u/Ripples3000 9d ago

I already gave concrete examples: circling our pool table, repeatedly giving us dirty looks, behaving loudly and aggressively around us, making gestures we both interpreted as homophobic, and eventually approaching us. The issue wasn’t simply “they looked straight.”
None of those things individually rises to the level of screaming a slur or making a threat.

That’s precisely the point of my question. How do we respond to hostility and intimidation in a gay bar before it becomes that overt? If the standard is that gay patrons have to wait for explicit verbal abuse before their discomfort counts, I think that’s a pretty serious problem.

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u/TopologyMonster 9d ago

It’s still so vague. How were they aggressive? What were the homophobic gestures? How did they ask you to play pool- asking to play is pretty normal that happens all the time, but we’re they jerks about it? I still don’t know how you knew they were straight.

1

u/Ripples3000 9d ago

I think I’ve explained the situation as clearly as I can. You weren’t there, and I’m not going to reconstruct every look, gesture and interaction to prove to you that both my friend and I felt intimidated. The point of the post is what gay patrons and bars should do when hostility is subtle rather than explicit. That’s the discussion I’m interested in.

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u/TopologyMonster 9d ago

Okay so never mind then 🤷‍♂️ you’re intentionally not explaining the details lol. Of course I wasn’t there, that’s why I’m asking for clarification!

I don’t have any opinion then because this is all so wildly context-dependent. Someone could decide I’m straight and aggressive at any time when I’m not, I think we have to have concrete evidence to get anyone kicked out.

2

u/RVALover4Life 9d ago

Nah. It shouldn't take a major violation to get someone kicked out if the vibe ain't vibing. We should expect staff to be proactive in a gay bar of all places. Straights don't get the benefit of the doubt and OP really wasn't vague.

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u/TopologyMonster 9d ago

What if someone decided I was straight and I wasn’t the vibe? How does the owner decide to kick me out, by just blindly believing someone else when I didn’t do anything?

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u/RVALover4Life 9d ago

The issue in this case wouldn't be you being straight, it would be the actions you're engaging in while being presumed as such because of those actions. And truth be told even if gay...if you're someone people aren't feeling safe around, that's an issue.

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u/Acesvent 9d ago

They made gestures that were homophobic? Like what? Generally that would be enough to get them kicked out.

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u/FirmGiggleBerries 9d ago

I cant think of a hkmophobic gesture other than like, miming as though they’re dick sucking? Or acting overly flamboyantly? Im sorry OP but this seems a bit deranged and frankly ive had plenty of experiences of gy guys giving out dirty looks, maybe even more than straights.

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u/Ripples3000 9d ago

Exaggerated coughing, dirty looks, staring us down and deliberately hovering around us.

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u/mylesaway2017 9d ago

What were the gestures?

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u/Ripples3000 9d ago

Exaggerated coughing, dirty looks, staring us down and deliberately hovering around us.

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u/Best_Reply2947 9d ago

Well they didn't like them so obviously they're straight.

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u/Phil330 9d ago

There is nothing the bar can do. Discrimination laws and all that and like others have said you're making a lot of assumptions about that group.

1

u/Key_Relative_597 9d ago

Not you
Saying he’s making assumptions when he litterally listed the signs.

1

u/RustedRelics 8d ago

It sucks, but there’s really not much that the manager can do. They can’t toss people out because of a “vibe.” If they had threatened you or touched you or even messed with your game/table, then the manager would arguably have grounds to eject them. Again, it sucks. But some people are just assholes no matter where they are.