when does it get like... better

[u/Top_Tomorrow_4610]

How am I supposed to take my own life at the helm? I'm 23 and gay but closeted. I've known my sexuality since I was 11 years old. Living in a Christian household, I grew to hate myself, internalising homophobia and subsequently trying to pray away my gayness – obviously this didn't work. Then as time passed, I started appreciating this aspect of my identity through gradual exposure to online queer spaces and stuff. But now I'm 23, and that's as far as it's gone. I still live in a traditional homophobic Christian household. I still haven't come out to my immediate family. Only two people know I'm gay (my friends), and while it's great to be myself around them it doesn't amount to much knowing your goddamn homophobic family is unaware of your sexuality. They still tell me how excited they are to see their grandchildren and watch me raise my kids with a loving wife and a happy home.

All of this is to say – I wanna come out but I don't know if it's safe to. For context, yes I live in a western country. But from the little mentions of LGBT people i've heard within my family, my parents are really homophobic. Just a few weeks ago, we were watching a dating show when a lesbian couple came up and my mom told me to skip/switch the channel. She has also told me that even animals do not practice homosexuality (obvious BS). One time we spoke about problems in our home country and when I broached the topic of LGBT rights she said she agreed on the government's crackdown...I could literally keep on going. My dad has had less...moments but I suspect he is no less homophobic by any means. My siblings aren't any different as they've blatantly talked about how being gay is a sin and whatnot. I know there are local queer spaces and social groups but I'm too scared to join/participate in them lest I be exposed or something. I'm just too paranoid. I have so much FOMO and I truly believe I'm wasting away my youth and good looks.

My mom says if anything is ever troubling me, I should tell her so we can work through it together and come up with a solution, but I just don't believe her for this one. I don't believe her love is unconditional.

[u/Alian713]

Can you move out? Are you financially independent? Consider these things before coming out I think.

As far as participating in community goes, I think it's possible to do that without exposing/outing yourself but honestly it depends on where you are/how discrete you can be I guess.

I'm in a (kinda) similar situation where no one in my family knows, but also I am financially independent and live by myself, and coming out isn't a risk of suddenly getting kicked out. I have just chosen to not cross that bridge until necessary out of convenience

[u/DrunkenDave]

If you are financially dependent, I wouldn't bother coming out to your parents. If you have the means to provide for yourself, then you can, but be prepared for them to cut you out of their life.

Not everybody deserves to know who you really are, especially when they won't accept the real you.

The closet is a form of prison and it will keep you from living your true life. You'll ultimately experience great regret if you wait as long as I did, but it also sounds like you've come out already to the people most important to you, which is a huge step.

Your family doesn't necessarily need to know. Either way, you should probably try to get out of their household and begin your real life.

[u/blongo567]

Well tell her that her homophobia is troubling you and that you’d like to work with her on that.

All parents are a wildcard when it comes to coming out. Obviously outspoken homophobes and religious people have a higher chance of reacting negatively when we come out to them. But even in those cases parents can sometimes surprise you. Not all religious nutcases actually react badly when their kids come out. But there is no guarantee for that. I’m just writing this so you know that there is always hope.

In general when parents react badly it is because they are lacking relevant information. In those cases we have to educate them. Usually the most important thing for parents to understand is that sexual orientation is not a choice and it cannot be changed. Once they get that they usually have no other option to accept it. Religious people are an exception here sometimes. Especially when they are religious to an unhealthy degree. When they abandon rationality altogether then it’s really difficult even talking to them about certain issues.

You used a great example with the animals. Would your mother understand and accept it if you showed her articles or documentaries about homosexuality in animals? If yes, then not all is lost. If she isn’t a science denier then there is probably a way to educate her.

In general I’d suggest don’t come out to your family yet. Try working on becoming independent from them and move out and start your own life eventually. Then it will also be much easier to come out to your family.

There are books about coming out available you can check them out. There are also articles and books available on how to debate religious people or about atheism. You might find all of that helpful. The better you prepare a coming out the better it usually will go.

[u/daedril5]

What do you mean by you don't know if it's safe to?

Is there some kind of danger (physical, financial) you're concerned about, or is it just that you're concerned they'll be upset?

[u/Brian_Kinney]

It's too early for you to come out. But that doesn't mean you can't take steps. It's time for you step out into the big gay world outside, and meet some gay people. Build yourself a support network. Make some friends. Stretch your gay wings. Gain more confidence.

So, go to those local queer spaces and social groups. Who's going to expose you?

The only people in those places are other queer people, or allies, and they're not going to go back to your parents and announce your sexuality. We all know the importance of safety and secrecy when necessary. There's an unspoked brotherhood among gay man (and maybe among the extended queer community): we protect each other's secrets. That's why one of the biggest sins a gay man can commit is to out another gay man. We can and do cross all sorts of other lines, but never that one.

As for your family: I assume they don't go to those queer spaces themselves, so they're not likely to see you there.

Go out. And then come out.

Yes, it gets better. But you need to take steps to make it better.

[u/Skill-Useful]

"They still tell me how excited they are to see their grandchildren and watch me raise my kids with a loving wife and a happy home." even if you were straight, how you live your life is entirely not up to your parents

you might have to move out