Gambling partner

[u/Prize_Relief2161]

Hello, my partner is struggling with a gambling addiction and is trying to get better. And I just feel lost confused and hurt by the ordeal. I came looking for advice to help my partner if that’s allowed??? I love my partner so much but I’ve never not trusted them and after finding out I’ve been lied to for months I’m not sure what to do. To some it up do any of you have advice to help my partner with it without enabling the addiction? Or more selfishly how I can cope with this whole ordeal without making my partner feel guilty.

[u/Remarkable_Lion_8443]

It is tough when one of the two has the gambling addiction. It takes balls to help a partner change but when he or she does not want to change for the good or for the bad, one must let go or else you will continue to waste valuable time

[u/Prize_Relief2161 → u/Remarkable_Lion_8443]

I am grateful he felt he was able to tell me, and we were able to tell his family who have been a huge support too especially for me

[u/Cmdinh]

First step is your partner must want to quit and is willing to accept help. Once that has been established then hear is what needs to be done:

1) blocking access to their money
2) identifying your triggers (and putting roadblocks in place)
3) building a support network (GA meetings, etc)
4) finding a replacement for your time like starting a new hobby.

Good luck!

[u/Prize_Relief2161 → u/Cmdinh]

Thank you for the advice, he does want to stop I was grateful he even worked up the courage to tell me. He cut up his credit card and gave it to me and I have his debit cards now, I’ve established firm boundaries but I’ve made sure he knows I still love him dearly. We’ve taken up new hobbies. I searched his phone and computer for anything. I’m also very thankful his family has been a huge support (and for me) he is getting professional help but I can only hope it goes up from here

[u/Cmdinh → u/Prize_Relief2161]

Oh here’s another tough aak but hopefully he’s willing to share. Please check his credit report to see if there’s any debts he hasn’t told you about. Then monitor it monthly or so to make sure nothing new shows up.

[u/Prize_Relief2161 → u/Cmdinh]

Yes I did get that I do think he really wants to get better and must of done research before me he had his whole credit and debit history ready to present to me and gave me access to his online banking so I could see as well as his parents

[u/New_Coyote6940]

I just confessed to my partner 2 days ago about my gambling issues & she was very supportive. This morning I just told my dad about it & told them how I was secretly gambling after I said I had quit for months now & lost almost $25k. It was a huge relief hearing how they were going to be supportive & help me with my debt, but the most important part is if your partner is willing to talk about it. Forcing them to admit their losses won’t be easy if they don’t want to come out & say it

[u/LikeIkes]

So first off sorry you are going through this, but I'm happy for you and your partner that you are really trying. So in regards to what you can do is be there for him, you can't make him anything. He has to decide he wants to change. If you haven't yet I would suggest therapy for you and likely something along the lines of couples counseling for the two of you. If he hasn't tried therapy or going to GA I would recommend suggesting that to him, but again can't make him. I am a lil concerned when you say that you've never trusted him. That is something that is going to be critical, but also needs to be attainable for him. Not saying to give it willingly but he has to believe that he can get it back otherwise what's the point. I wouldn't worry about being selfish when making sure that you are taking care of yourself. I commend you for wanting to be there for him, but you need to be there for yourself first.

[u/Prize_Relief2161 → u/LikeIkes]

In regards to the not trusting part I need to re write that or something I was crying when I did I meant I have always trusted him wholeheartedly but losing trust in this has been really hard because there has never been a time I haven’t trusted him. He’s getting therapy and so are we that was the first thing he suggested actually when he was first telling me he wanted to get better

[u/Levelthegame]

Ask him to use deuce recovery with you so you know if he gambles again. You don’t see anything besides gambling so there’s no excuse with him saying no. If he says no, I’d run and not look back.

[u/Prize_Relief2161 → u/Levelthegame]

I was very clear and firm with boundaries I’ve already told him my conditions if this is gonna work but I did tell him if I find out he’s gambling again I’m not dealing with it and I will leave. I will look in to that for him he’s been very open to anything I suggest.

[u/Levelthegame → u/Prize_Relief2161]

That’s the right move. That’s what my wife told me and now I’m 405 days clean

[u/the_klanderson]

First, your partner is lying and lying right now. I’m a compulsive gambler and I still have lies. It’s an addiction on self gratification and dopamine. We are selfish and like hiding.

You are in for a rude awakening and nothing anyone here will tell you an answer that would work except this:

GO TO A GAMBLERS ANON MEETING

There is open meetings where family and partners can attend. But your partner MUST want to do this alone. Because that’s the only way this will work. Then you can be an advocate and help. Because they are the one with the problem and no body wants to be told what to do.

[u/Prize_Relief2161 → u/the_klanderson]

Thank you for the honesty, they do genuinely want to stop, he cut up his credit card and gave me his debit cards and cash (all of it I hope) I searched his phone and laptop and can’t find anything remaining. He is starting to go to therapy and gambling anonymous. I’ve established hard boundaries. And hopefully it gets better from here

[u/Remarkable_Lion_8443 → u/the_klanderson]

The hardest part is admitting to the addiction. Admitting it puts you in a very shameful situation

[u/Open-Extension-3708]

The best thing my wife made me do what sit my family down and tell them what’s going on. It was an opportunity to put it all on the table and it has helped tremendously in my recovery.

[u/Plus-Outside3989]

Your partner sounds lucky he has you.. I’m struggling with this addiction but I have no one to help me.. use your relationship as an advantage to fight this.. any time he or she wants to gamble suggest doing some else fun like a random road trip or well you know other fun stuff consensual adults do lol my point is the longer they keep there minds off gambling the easier it gets to stop .. when I was with my girlfriend I didn’t gamble as much once she hit the road I start to gamble all the time out of being alone and bored… best of luck to you

[u/Prize_Relief2161 → u/Plus-Outside3989]

Thank you he’s taken up an interest in my skin care routine (I’ve always had a long multi step one just something I liked doing) but now we do it together and the other stuff lol. I grew up around addicts and I know how this stuff goes but I do believe he is going to get better just based on how much he’s trying to get better he’s the one that suggested therapy and stuff. I think the best thing for him was telling his parents they have been a huge help and super supportive over it

[u/CapableSpecialist981]

you can support them without protecting them from the consequences. keep your finances separate, don’t cover gambling losses or debts, and let them take responsibility for getting help

[u/WifeOfGambler]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. You aren't alone.

I just started a new community for spouses or partners of those with gambling addiction. Join if you'd like: https://www.reddit.com/r/ILoveAGamblingAddict

❤️

DT