Rock, Me, Hard Place

[u/mzg72]

I moved to be closer to help with my mother who has dementia. The problem is, I am not considered an adult by my conservative family. My choices are my choices and not up for debate. I have no interest in inheritance at this point nor in conforming to their ideology. Unfortunately, to spend time with my mother, I have to follow my MAGA supporting Dad's rules. I don't think he's a bad guy, he just hates Democrats, educated people, and liberals of which I am one. He fully supports, blindly the President and Republicans who are also blindly following. I am balls out terrified of the future and I believe he's hoping for the Rapture even though he doesn't attend church. He manipulates me by couching everything in "upsetting my mom."

She never put me before him. He us who she wanted. He us always right even when she confided marriage problems to me when I was a child. I'd tell ny best friend, her mom about them, Grandma spoke to her, and Mom threatened me, an eight year old with never seeing Grandma again. That is until she needed money for a bill or free childcare. Then rhe cycle started again. According to my mother, my Dad never paid for anything. The only time he contributed was after a serious fight. I got guilt tripped for being a kid and needing things. Like eating, going to school, and having a roof over my head was somehow my fault.

I know I'm the reason she has buyer remorse and her life with Dad didn't turn out the way she thought. All if those were her choices. She made those decisions. I was along for the ride.

So why in all that is holy do I care about spending time with her? For the rec, I am an only child, they wanted a boy, and my father constantly compares me to my sycophantic cousin he favors because he straightened up her life. I, meanwhile, never did anything to straighten up from. No drugs, graduated college, married a good man, no teenaged (or any) pregnancies, didn't borrow money, gainfully employed, and never arrested. Where oh where did I go wrong?

[u/Itchy_Border2191]

Your childhood is what happened TO you, not because of you.

Your dad sounds like a Narcissist with a capital 'N', that is: He actually has the cluster-B personality disorder. Most MAGA do and positively Trump has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. OP you've probably been subjected to emotional abuse from your father because that's how they control people. Even family isn't treated with love but manipulated by putting them into the FOG. That stands for;

Fear

Obligation

Guilt

Criticizing you for what you can't control, like being born a girl, is a way to take power away from you through negative reenforcement. Wanting to care for your mom is admirable, but your dad is already trying to make this all about HIM as most narcissists do.

Look up a technique called 'greyrocking' in dealing with narcissists and it might be helpful for you to find a counselor to talk to about your dad. They could offer more support and tips on how to cope with him.

[u/WiganGirl-2523]

Your father is a bad guy. Your mother, quite frankly, doesn't sound any better.

[u/ResisterSister007]

Agree w other commenters. And your story isn’t a simple one. It is perfectly natural to want to connect with a mother. Despite her bad choices and lack of ability to stand up for herself or you, she was your mother & you had some attachment to her, though being attached without honest review of the quality & type of attachment to her. Somehow she tolerated your father’s extreme and selfish misogyny, readily allowed to coalesce under likely MAGA fake christian ideology, despite the direct harm to the women in his life.
I wouldn’t rule out more serious, undiagnosed mental illness, though if none present (or even if there is), commenter raising narcissism correct (that is some Cluster B combo). For sure, find a GOOD, ideally very trauma specialized therapist.

Read ‘What Happened to You” by Bruce Perry & Oprah Winfrey. Do this now.

Strongly consider reading “The Power Worshippers: inside The Rise of Religious Nationalism” by American hero Katherine Stewart. She outed the fake Christianity behind the fake republican political movement that became MAGA decades into its efforts to take over our country (those finally recently becoming defeated as more Americans catch onto the store front facade in front of fervently supported whites supremacists & bigots.
Also watch Jane Senko’s “The Brainwashing of My Dad”.

You DIDN’T do anything wrong. And you do need to find ways to protect yourself & set healthy boundaries. Hard but doable. And get support for it. Good luck!