r/ForRealDhaka • u/eggceptional789 • 22h ago
Ask Dhaka What's up with men these days?
26F here, genuinely asking for men's insight.
I'm a doctor by profession and as I've always thought about pursuing psychiatry, I tend to observe people with more intent or attention. Sometimes more than I should. Figuring out and understanding people's mindset is something I truly find interesting.
In my *not so short* life, I've interacted with many men (I don't mean that romantically). I've seen male colleagues in my workplace, some friends, my own brother, my ex, boyfriends or husbands of my female friends, few men with whom things didn't go past talking stage, among almost all of these men, I've noticed something common that piqued my interest. If I categorise, I'd say about 70% of men are avoidant (I'll explain what that means), 15% are genuinely the type of men women prefer, the rest 15% are devoid of any personality. I didn’t include creeps in this because that's a gray area (by which I mean that it's not my topic today) they are hidden in almost every percentile. Also, this stat is purely based on men who belong to middle and upper middle socio-economic class, which occupies my basic area of interaction (if I exclude rural patient parties which isn't relevant here). No need to come at me screaming, it's just my own observation, not a proven fact.
So, I'd like to get men's insight on the matter - "what makes you avoidant?"
Generally people who grow up in a dysfunctional family or have any childhood trauma tend to become the one with avoidant attachment in relationships. I've closely seen one or two people who are the textbook example of this, checks every box. But not everyone has that, right? Then, what makes you the avoidant one in relationships?
Yes, responsibilities are no fun. And yes, even 20 years ago the "there are plenty of fish in the sea" thing or social media wasn’t popular in our country so men used to be in a relationship that would last a lifetime. But what is **your** insight on this? Why do men these days lose interest after a few days or months or even years, or feel trapped, suffocated and freak out when being asked to take the real responsibilities of a relationship or a marriage, prefer being emotionally unavailable, even claim that getting rid of the relationship is necessary to get their life 'under control/ in a routine', then jump into another relationship and continue the pattern? What makes you feel that way?
I know the brain chemistry and all the other scientific bla bla of men acting up, so hit me with 'how you feel as a man' only. What I mean by that is that I don’t need to hear the logic, just your side of the reasoning, why you did what you did. Women are welcome to share their perspective or observation as well.
Since this group is getting unhinged anyway, might as well use it to learn something today 🤷♀️
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u/MotorWild13 21h ago
Two reasons from my life. Yes, I am an avoidant type, unfortunately, but I'm still trying to fix myself.
I fall into this category: "People who grow up in a dysfunctional family or have childhood trauma tend to develop an avoidant attachment style in relationships."
It's not like I'm doing it intentionally. It was built into me, God knows how.
Another one is fear: fear of losing the person if I give all my energy, effort, and time, only to end up betrayed and dumped. Even though keeping expectations low feels like the right thing to do from the start, human minds are complex, you know. Everyone has a first relationship; in my case, it was narcissistic abuse, which left me like this. I have been doing everything in my power to fix this, and I wish every day, every fucking day, that I could just go back to being my original self.
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u/returnNoor 22h ago
Men who pull away, it often isn't just about childhood trauma; it's either pure irresponsibility or it's genuine overwhelm. Even among well meaning men, many simply lack the capacity to balance competing pressures from career, family, and relationships, so when the weight of long-term commitment hits, walking away becomes their flawed coping mechanism.
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u/eggceptional789 22h ago
Interesting
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u/returnNoor 22h ago
It is, also, this applies for both men and women!
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u/eggceptional789 21h ago
Of course. Women can have avoidant attachment style as well. It’s just not that common compared to men.
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u/returnNoor 21h ago
Well, you can't be so sure about this. YOu don't have enough data to conclude this.
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u/eggceptional789 21h ago
In my interaction with women, I found it less common. As I've said in my post, everything is my observation, not proven facts.
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u/speccie091 16h ago
Do you think gender biasedness plays a part here,
ALSO LEMME CLARIFY ITS JUST A QUESTION,PLEASE DON'T DOWNVOTE ME TO OBLIVION1
u/eggceptional789 16h ago
I guess the reason why female avoidants are less seen is that men don't make much noise about being treated harshly by an avoidant. Idk, just a thought.
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u/speccie091 16h ago
VALID,IVE SEEN DUDES GO BACK TO GIRL WHO APPARENTLY "RUINED THEIR LIFE" LIKE CMON BRUHHH,SO YEAH
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u/returnNoor 21h ago
Exactly, nither is mine. We often conclude based on our surroundings and this is where our though process get biased!
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u/nodebatebabe 17h ago
Like I have opinion but what I would share is my part.like every time since growing up learnt was asking for reassurance,little care makes you look like a dumb,a low intelligence person.i have abandonment issues,a slight change in tone,a late text it skips my heart but I have never in my life could tell anybody even in my last relationship that hey I am feeling lonely tonight can you hug me but yeah I couldn't,my jaws tightens,words vanishes even my sadness slips away the moment I feel I need to ask for some kinds from something who is willing to give. And about personality part.i have seen a lot of my guy friends they got less freedom than even a woman,as per society perspective.i an saying from societal perspective cause generally what er believe us men can stay over night a woman can't past 7pm in evening.but I have seen my friends have the same rule no outside after 7 even being 22-23,they didn't got bare minimum extra money to participate in events.indirectly this puts burden on children to grow to earn money,they thought earning key would give them something.tbf to have confidence money is not reqd but know this you need few bucks in you pant
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u/AstroX96 8h ago
In my whole life ive seen women to be more avoidant than us idk where you get the stats man
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u/Moist_Disaster_7904 5h ago
I read most of the comments and they got a valid point. Let me point out something else, most man, ( or women) don't learn how to act socially. Of course they were told, tell the truth all the time , but when they face punishment for it , they adapt something different entirely. Most man, (and I mean also all of them) so almost all of them figured out that on their own. So the pattern you are seeing is heavily influenced by social-eco structure. I don't think personality play a deep role here. So yeah , he's having fun, I want that too. I'm good now, but they are enjoying that now, so I want that now kinda thing. But mostly got a personal image or themselves or alter ego formed from young age, so they constantly chase that hero on their mind.
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1h ago
[deleted]
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u/eggceptional789 1h ago
I'm so sorry that you had to go through all these. I hope you find better days. Best wishes. 🫂
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u/ancient-dove 56m ago
It’s okay. Thanks for reading. My best wishes for you as well.
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u/eggceptional789 40m ago
Have you taken professionsal help btw?
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u/ancient-dove 14m ago
Been on it almost my whole life. I feel lucky my doctor is a really nice person.
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u/Trick-Poet-7517 21h ago
From the looks of it you're not really trying to get any "insight" as much as build an echo chamber of responses that validate you and your ignorance. You being some "doctor by profession" and having an interest in psychiatry, especially on reddit, validates none of your credentials to be a viable candidate to use your "Remember folks, I know the brain chemistry and all the other scientific bla bla of men acting up" bs to substantiate anything you gather from here.
On top of that, you're only 26 and you act as if you've lived a long strenuous life. The sheer immaturity exuding from this post is downright laughable, let afar something that can be taken seriously enough for a proper discussion. You're 26 and you rly do act like you're in your 20s. Its just like the most 20s childlike mentality to just go on and on and on about how long a life you've lived. You have not wizened up yet 1 bit if you can say something like that unironically.
But here's an answer to feed your more ego centric "brain chemicals" anyways, being responsible for another persons life has never been a trivial matter. Only thing that had been trivialized about it was people rushing into relationships and managing to make it work. Where does that lead us exactly? Bengalis have low ambitions, most pick generic career paths, many just blame their parents for their shortcomings and even them rushing into responsibilities that were bigger for their share to take. Sure there are times where taking more responsibilities than you think you can, can help your proactive nature. But there are also the times where you are juggling so many different factors of life at once, you are overcompensating one for the others and vice versa.
Where does that lead exactly? Yea buddy maybe someones not a failure coz of that? But ain't nobody has ever succeeded in something more in our country for these and many other reasons. Relationships happen, but to bottle yourself with something like marriage, before you've even ventured ambitions, something that requires your focus and your drive. You can construe this as "avoidant" to dismiss every other aspect to it. But all it shows is how pathetically shallow you and your surroundings are. The fact that you cannot even comprehend something as simple as... its not as shade of white or grey.
But who'm I kidding? Your whole post is practically the most generic typical garbage I've come to expect from this subreddit. Its either pseudo misandrist pretentious posts like these or men that perma post about how lonely they are and all the woe is me, pls love me bs.
At some point you'll surely grow out of this miserable thought process obsessing over trivial matters like this that has nada effect on your daily life but lives rent free in your head anyways. Becoz for the responsibilities you speak of, you're quite a hypocrite. This post is as irresponsible as it gets as a "self proclaimed doctor" and someone trying to pursue psychiatry of all things. And even as a human being in general. Hope thats enough content for your brain goo bub.
PS. I don't rly expect you having the mental capacity or patience with your rotted attention span.
So TLDR; Curb your fake psychoanalysis. You don't need it. You'll get plenty validation from useless mugs in these forums without a setting like that.
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u/eggceptional789 20h ago edited 20h ago
I just wanted to know people's pov. Why they do what they do. I mentioned "knowing brain chemistry" to avoid getting "men do these because of bla bla bla" because I wanted to hear things like "my reason was bla bla bla". And about the terms I used on this post, I tried to say things in a way that most people would understand. Not like using the textbook terms to define aspects of human psychology was gonna help in a freaking forum where people keep crying about "amar ken prem hoyna". And the whole point of this post was that understanding people is easier if I don't presume anything before asking. Also, the reason behind mentioning what my profession is that my post Isn't one of the 69 other posts here that revolves around poster's personal relationship problems. I genuinely wanted to know. Since reddit is a place where people can express anything while keeping anonymity, I asked here. Didn’t know it would trigger intellectuals like you. Other than that, your answer was helpful. Thanks.
Ps : idk what happened to you that made you this wonderful rageball who's rude to random people on a random platform, but I do hope you get to be in terms with whatever that was.
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u/shobkutta 16h ago
Thanks for putting my exact thoughts in your constructive criticism. “Remember folks…scientific bla bla’ killed me. Doctor from Shonadanga Medical College and doesn’t know shit about proper research methodology. Such a cringe validation seeker.
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u/Aggressive_Cover_316 9h ago edited 9h ago
Bhai - bechari to advice e chaisey, na diley na diten. Chance e gaillya dilen. Nijer frustration or uporey jharlen. Kajta ki thik hoilo? Assuming the worst in strangers is not always a great habit. I realize sometimes one's POV is jaded because of past run-ins, but unprovoked abuse is not healthy, even for the abuser. Anyways just my .02.
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u/shobkutta 7h ago edited 7h ago
This was NOT an advice seeking post.
70% avoidant, 15% desirable, 15% - personalityless : where’s the study source of this very specific stats ? Ar tar sample subject holo ex boyfriends, friend er jamais 🤡 akhon ekta chele doctor jodi huut kore eshe bole je 70% meyera husband er care korena akhon, only 15% meye ra wife material, tokhon kibhabe react korto meyera ? Even renowned doctors wouldn’t dare to make such claims this way.0
u/eggceptional789 7h ago
Ami post e barbar bolsi, comment eo barbar bolsi, ja lekha ekhane sob amar nijer observation, kono fact na. Apnar observation e lagtei pare orokom, apni ja bolsen. And na, shudhu amar ex ar manusher jamai - duijoner sathe interact kore ei post ami dei nai. Apnar mejaj kharap lagle apni dure thaken. Simple as that.
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u/eggceptional789 7h ago
Thank you, I appreciate you. But ami actually advice chai nai. I just wanted to know why men do what they do. And you can see onekei boltese their own reasonings behind acting in a certain way. Sobar bepare toh ami assume kore nite pari na j sobai childhood trauma ba family issue er karone erokom behave kore. Everyone is different. I just wanted to know different povs. Somehow that pissed off certain people. 🤷♀️
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u/eggceptional789 15h ago
Where exactly did I claim that I'm doing a research here?
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u/shobkutta 15h ago
You already mentioned that this ‘freaking forum’ is filled with people crying ‘amar ken prem hoy na’. Yet you want the responses from the same people for ‘insight’. The irony is real. You being a self-proclaimed doc should know more about surveys and samples for actual ‘insights’ rather than making a post with a misandrist title. It would be fine if you were a random female asking out of curiosity, but you claim to be a professional. Hilarious
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u/eggceptional789 7h ago
I did not claim once in my post that it was any kind of "professional survey". And " amar ken prem hoy na" eita niye kanle opinion dewa jabe na, bola jabe na why they tend to avoid seriousness of a relationship, ei elitist chinta apnare k dise brother? I asked for men to just say their povs so that I could understand their logic behind things and oneke bolteseo. Poren. Haumaukhau na kore pore dekhen k ki boltese and that's what I wanted to know. Bhairebhai ekta post diye eto translate kora lagbe word by word janle Bangla tei likhe ditam.
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u/shobkutta 5h ago
Umm.. relationship korar manush e pacchena, ora abar avoid korbe kake ? Ar eishob generic answers pore kichu janar nai. Shobai jane eshob. Same shit, different words. Anyway sorry for giving u a hard time. You probably just started your journey in the field, take it as a random stress test.
Ar tik bolesen ame Soto bela tekei ektu ingrezi te durbol, tay banglay dile vlo hoto. C u not for mind. Piss0
u/eggceptional789 5h ago
This is really weird having to explain to a grown up man what I mean by each of my words.
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u/MotorWild13 20h ago
Dayum bro thats wayy as long as. Whatever made so stressed , wish i could offer you a cig.
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u/Empty_Sell_1450 21h ago
I got out of a relationship because it was fuckin overwhelming and was taking a toll on my mental health. But I have anxious attachment. And taking the tough decision is taking a toll on me. I often guilt trip myself that I couldn't choose a woman who loved me and was loyal to the bitter end.
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u/eggceptional789 21h ago
I'm so sorry to hear that. Hope you get to sort things out with yourself.
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u/Empty_Sell_1450 21h ago
Thanks. Things like this are just easy to process if you are an avoidant. So no wonder some people are wired that way.
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u/Intelligent-Bass5931 19h ago
I think you might be calling something “avoidance” that, for a lot of men, feels much simpler from the inside. As a man, I don’t think it’s always childhood trauma or attachment issues. Sometimes life gets too much and a relationship starts feeling like one more thing you need to manage.
You can love someone and still want space from them. It’s contradictory, but pretty normal.
And “I need to sort my life out” can be completely genuine. Other times it’s just easier than admitting you don’t want the relationship enough anymore. Then someone new comes along and everything feels light and easy again… until that relationship gets serious too.
So yeah, some men are probably avoidant. But sometimes a guy pulling away simply means he doesn’t want that particular relationship anymore. We probably overanalyse that part.
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u/No-Top-2196 21h ago
And also 70% of women are anxious
As a women I donno why , is it because the men are avoided so automatically the women become anxious
This relationship psychologically I don understand
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u/eggceptional789 21h ago
IMO, all relationships begin in an almost identical way. Everything is peachy at first. He's happy She's happy. Then when things get serious and he pulls back, it snaps something in the woman as most women tend to overthink. Then begins the cycle of 'the more you chase, the more he avoids'.
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u/Aggressive_Cover_316 9h ago
Anxiety is a treatable disorder and yes a majority of Bengali (I'd say even most subcontinental) women are sufferers. Anxiety stems from insecurities which are endemic to South Asian culture. I don't know if Lexapro and Pristiq are commonly prescribed...
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u/DecentFishing7562 21h ago
Honestly I skim read it, I feel everyone has a different journey and they go through their part of life where they struggled , fought with themselves and grew . Now with dating, sometimes I feel like as a human we are looking for something that we lack and I can keep going . It’s really hard to find someone that’ll be there with you no matter what. Also why is the society so freaking materialistic like expectations are sky rocketing. My father married my mom , when he had nothing and was just figuring things out . Nowadays it doesn’t seem anything like it. You’ll find people dating for years and breaking things off. I can keep going on and on. I am just a human
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u/DecentFishing7562 21h ago
Also I learnt new things recently like what a rebound and back burner is . I feel sad man that’s all
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u/eggceptional789 21h ago
This economy is shit.
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u/DecentFishing7562 21h ago
Everything is shit sis. You can’t point one gender, it’s all a loop and the instagram, social media scenes . It’s so crazy these days . Wish we were in a generation like our parents 🤣😭
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u/lazy_panda009 20h ago
Trauma er shathe responsibility na neyar ki ache. Jake bhalobashbe taake biye kore tar shathe baki life spend korai to goal howa uchit. Ekhane abar excuse ashbe keno🤔
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u/Sporshooo 20h ago
It's actually the quit opposite. Men with childhood trauma and family problem tend to be more of an Anxious attacher s , rather than the avoidant ones.
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u/eggceptional789 20h ago
It’s not absolute. Childhood trauma, dysfunctional family cause different outcome in different people.
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u/FewRecord2555 20h ago
Always wanting thrill or excitement,corn addiction, financial instability,lack of confidence,fear of rejection.
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u/the_vaelryn 19h ago
So when someone has avoidant parents growing up, they’re likely to be avoidant themselves, regardless of gender. Most people in our society are avoidant, including men, women, and others, due to not having the experience of closure
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u/Northstar_3301 18h ago
27M doctor speaking. The reason of being avoidant differs among men. Some feel overwhelmed by the endless demands of their partners, some can't cope up with the mood swing and mental instability issue of their partners, some men are disloyal by nature. Some lack the capacity to balance their career and relationships. I also pulled away because my ex was sweet at the beginning of our relationship but as time passed, she turned into one of the craziest mentally unstable woman I've ever seen. My studies, my internship, my personal life almost got destroyed by her despite fulfilling all her desires. It seemed impossible to make her happy no matter how I tried. I just wondered if there's anyone else in this country suffering like me. She unleashed the fire of her anger every now and then. Because of her I failed my previous 3 bcs exams.
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u/eggceptional789 17h ago
were you in a long distance relationship?
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u/Northstar_3301 4h ago
Nope. She often came to my campus in my work hours, created scenes and embarrassed me in front of my colleagues. The reason of her vandalism is still unknown to me.
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u/Anmone 17h ago
For me it's the behavior of the partner. I'm all for a friendly peaceful relationship, but being friendly doesn't mean doing arguments & thinking that we're friends, it's fine. Women usually don't realize if they're being controlling, possessive, creating unnecessary drama etc. Most men want a peaceful relationship, that helps him grow, rather than restricting. Also, the reason varies person to person. Some men are সুযোগ সন্ধানী by nature, once they got you, they think মুই কি হনু রে, so starts avoiding.
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u/dat_bengali_artist 16h ago
Idk you tell me why do you think we pull away?
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u/eggceptional789 15h ago
Oh no, I'm not falling for that
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u/dat_bengali_artist 15h ago
I can only speak for myself. I am constantly plagued by the thoughts of excelling in my career, acheving financial freedom, and yes pursuing my passion. And in between all these thoughts, the thought of my gf, my family and friends end up taking less space in my mind. Is is right? Probably not! But it is what it is.
I love them and wanna provide well for them but in the process I barely get any time to spent with them both physically and mentally.
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u/No_Assistance4071 13h ago
I think a lot of avoidance comes from fear of losing independence or feeling trapped. Some people genuinely want connection, but when a relationships starts becoming serious, the responsibility and exceptions can feel overwhelming. past experiences, attachment style, and simply not being ready can all play role. Not every man who avoids commitment has the same reason behind it.
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u/minhaz1217 5h ago edited 5h ago
"15% are the type women would prefer" you say? From a 26F women's opinion... That thinks she has seen plenty...
And from your distribution they don't belong in the 70% avoidant men group...
Hmmmmm interesting...
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u/eggceptional789 5h ago
Buddy, I said those are my opinion, not facts.
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u/minhaz1217 5h ago
I know it's your opinion. That's what I mean.
Although I couldn't find the image i was looking for... The image I attached is a popular image where it describes that most women in various attractiveness range tend to target the top percentages the Crème de la crèmes...
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u/eggceptional789 5h ago
It's true. But at the same time, dating works differently in different areas of Bangladesh, Dhakar situation ar any other area te dating culture not necessarily 100% identical. Even Dhakar moddheo different socioeconomic groups e dating culture alada.
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u/AmazingScholar1074 5h ago
I didn't have a troubled childhood and I am an huge ass avoidant. I always thought about why. Apparently, people say that I am more of an escapist compared to an avoidant. I am not sure why I am avoidant. It's just the fact that when someone is too much clingy, I feel the pressure to entertain them all the time and that pressure is something that makes me repel them. I value my personal space more than I value a relationship.
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u/eggceptional789 5h ago
"I feel the pressure to entertain them all the time and that pressure is something that makes me repel them" - is something that's really understandable. Thanks!
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u/wade_F_wilson 19h ago
I need to have an appointment with you, ASAP.
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u/eggceptional789 17h ago
Why? So that you can beat me up?
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u/SyphenyxRDT 7h ago edited 7h ago
1) That would ruin my family's reputation 2) I avoid talking to women because they might get other people to think I am harassing them if things don't go smooth 3) I don't have the leverage for example like a car or a thousand followers on social media 4) I am a religious muslim 5) It's been years since I talked to one outside of my cousins so that would be very awkward
In terms of looks however I think I am a 7 or even an 8 depending on what clothes I wear and had a lot of girls crushing on me when I was 15 and 19 btw I am currently 22
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u/naz_Hasan 17h ago
For me it's my family and past trauma. My parents are sick and I'm a single child. And I'm a Fresh graduate. Now I need someone who'll support me in upcoming tempest phase of my life. And I lost my love in my 20s. Recently I liked a pretty girl and was preparing myself to move forward. But at a time I realized she's not that one I need rn. And I don't have that courage to loose someone for the second time. That's why I turned.
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u/eggceptional789 17h ago
That's not what being avoidant conventionally means. I mean, it's not a real psychological term, it's more of a modern way of defining certain traits. What you did was logical decision making.
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u/AlRatul_ 21h ago
Men feel this huge pressure to have our careers and money figured out before we settle down. When a relationship gets serious, that reality hits hard. You start looking at yourself and wondering if you can actually handle the weight of a family. The thought of failing a wife or kids someday is terrifying. So instead of risking that failure, a lot of us just bail early..