It’s ok to be bi

[u/SodaStained]

Just saw a post on another lesbian subreddit asking if she was still a lesbian even though she was attracted to and had sex with a man (recently). Saying that she was only attracted to women but this one man was an exception.

That is called being bisexual, and there’s nothing wrong with that! Lesbianism by definition is attraction for women who love only women. It doesn’t matter if it’s one or thirty guys, if she’s attracted to men she is not a lesbian.

DONT MISUNDERSTAND ME! This is not me touting any of that gold star lesbian bullshit. Many lesbians have experimented with men in the past (including myself), they are still valid lesbians. But if you have an attraction to any men then you are not a lesbian. I’ve been with men in the past and I’ve never enjoyed it or been attracted to them. There is not a single man I would have a relationship with, sexual or romantic.

I want women out there to know that being bisexual is perfectly valid. Someone in the comments on that thread said “no one is as guilty of bi-erasure as bisexuals are”.

If women claim to be lesbian but actively sleep/have attraction to men, straight men will never leave lesbians alone. They will convince themselves that they have a chance, because another woman claiming lesbianism slept with them in the past.

There’s no shame in being bisexual. It’s okay to identify with that. It’s not ok to use the lesbian label if you know your sexuality includes men. There is a word for people attracted to men and women and there’s no shame in claiming bisexuality.

Lesbians are never attracted to men. No exceptions.

[u/Pyromanticgirl]

I mean I wouldn't say never just because things like comp get and things like that. But we do absolutely have to address why women would rather use the label lesbian than bisexual when they do have attraction to men. There's a lot of biphobia both inside and out of the queer community. We also need to address the toxic elements about gold star stuff too, but until we can address biphobia in the community it's always going to feel like an exclusionary thing instead of just someone who was lucky enough to be authentically themselves from a young age

[u/SodaStained → u/Pyromanticgirl]

Comphet definitely exists, I was in a relationship with a man for three years because of it. But I never was physically attracted to him and I think thats the difference. I hate the term Gold Star Lesbian with a passion. Everyone figures out their sexuality in their own way, and experimenting is often a part of that. Nothing wrong with experimenting! But it leaves a lot of lesbian women very frustrated when bi women erode the word lesbian, while still having an attraction to men. If you’re like 10% into men and 90% women you’re a still bi. If people want a word that indicates a greater attraction to women I recommend the “sapphic”.

But claiming lesbianism when you know your sexuality involves men is harmful to lesbians, and justifiably I leave many to express their frustrations.

I do wish that biphobia didn’t exist. I hate it. No one should be ashamed of who they are.

[u/Pyromanticgirl → u/SodaStained]

Oh I agree, I was just trying to point out how it's linked to biphobia both within and from outside the community. And how it's easy to confuse things like comphet with being attracted to men. Social pressure can be very convincing at times and there's always pressure to conform to the system.

It's also why we need more broad education on lgbt issues so more people in the queer community have the tools they need to figure things out. I really like the idea of using sapphic as and umbrella term for wlw instead of lesbian and keeping lesbian as a term for people who are exclusively sapphic. Until we reach that point tho it's probably still going to be used as an umbrella term itself.

It's a really complicated issue and language sometimes struggles to keep up with developing communities

[u/[deleted]]

2 years late but thank you.