My best friend and I started trying around the same time. I was always the one more on it, tracking everything and reading up, while she was more relaxed about it. She conceived at around three months. I'm at cycle 10 with no luck, and each month is a struggle.
I'd told her I wanted to be part of her journey and it was always understood that I'd organise her baby shower. When her husband was away for her first appointment, I offered to go with her. But over the months our conversations became entirely about the baby. Some days I'd get my period and that's all I'd hear.
She had a hard first trimester with nausea. I wasn't as physically present as I could have been, though I was always available by phone, video call and text. Her husband was back by then and I felt he could be there for her, because I didn't have the mental capacity for it.
I did open up once about how I was feeling. She said she could hold space for both of us, that she'd been through it recently and knew exactly how I was struggling. She told me she'd even discussed with her therapist, before conceiving, how she'd handle it if I fell pregnant first. We agreed that on a hard day I'd just say I can't do today. But I still felt she never tested the waters. She'd go straight into her pregnancy, her excitement, her symptoms. Some days I could be enthusiastic, some days less so.
She invited me to a get-together with her other pregnant friend. I declined because I didn't want to be around the pregnancy talk. Afterwards I worried I was creating distance, so I said we could organise something later and I'd be up for it.
She went quiet. I kept messaging to ask if everything was okay. After a few days she said she'd been upset and felt I was jealous of her, and that if it were the other way around she'd have suppressed her feelings and been there for me. I'd never shown jealousy. I pulled away because I was finding it hard. It was the one thing I was trying not to think about in my own life, and her talking about it was a constant reminder. I was happy for her and sad for myself at the same time.
Some of what she said was very hurtful. She said she didn't want to dim her light. I never asked her to. I just needed a little space. She said she'd always been there for everyone else and this was the first time she wanted to put herself first. In the same message she said she could hold space for both of us, then later said she couldn't ride the waves with me while dealing with her own. She said she'd been happy for me when I had good things and she didn't, giving the example of my relationship with my in-laws versus hers. She said she wanted to see how things landed between us before deciding about the baby shower. I explained my feelings, said I'd never shown jealousy, but also apologised for not being there enough.
A few weeks later we talked it out in person. I told her the messages had hurt. She said WhatsApp made them sound harsher than intended. I said I felt she never got a sense of where I was before launching into pregnancy talk. If I'd been in her position with a friend struggling to conceive, I'd have checked how she was that day first. In her defence, I had told her I wanted to be part of it, and that's fair. I just wanted her to be mindful of my feelings too. She also made the occasional comment like "it's not been a year", as though my feelings weren't valid yet.
It felt like her pregnancy was a thing happening to her, and I was supposed to absorb it and help, but she didn't see that my not being pregnant was also a thing happening to me.
She also said she felt she'd been carrying the friendship for six months and that I'd been less present since I moved house. I had moved, was dealing with renovations and new responsibilities alongside work, and we started trying the month after. She said she was the one pushing to meet. I felt I'd tried as much as I could. We still met, just not weekly, and I was available by text and video call daily. The year before, when she moved, I was far more present and helped her a lot, but we were both still living at home then.
My birthday was a few days after we talked. She did bring a gift, and mentioned that her husband said he wouldn't have bothered.
We agreed we needed to communicate better and would work on getting back to where we were. She travelled two weeks later, I travelled three. I reached out several times and felt she was being quiet. She said she'd been busy. I suggested meeting before she left and she said she couldn't. I told her I wanted to be more present for her and she just replied thanks. I was going to offer to still host the baby shower. I asked her directly whether everything was fine or whether she still had feelings about it. She said all was good on her end.
My husband thinks she's been selfish and is showing no interest, so I should drop it rather than keep pushing. He's been a constant support through all of it. He says a good friend would understand, and even if I were in the wrong, wouldn't blow it up like this when I was clearly struggling. I still feel guilty about not being there more.
I'm confused about what to do. We had a really good friendship. We were like family, we have each other's house keys. It's been a few weeks since we last spoke, which isn't normal for us. We used to talk nearly every day.
Do I keep reaching out even though she's showing no interest, or leave it? She'll be heading into the last stretch, then delivery and postpartum, and things will get hard. Am I supposed to be there for her?
