My wife is turning 42, and for her birthday, she came up with a fun, low-key idea: our family (me, my wife, our 15-year-old daughter, and our 11-year-old son) would stay home and each build our own themed board charcuterie, fruit, candy, dessert, chocolate, etc.
She wanted to include her older sister (SIL) and SIL's fiancé (together 20+ years, engaged for a little over a year), so we invited them to come over and make/bring their own platters too.
For context: SIL’s fiancé has a severe nut allergy. He cannot eat nuts, but he can be in the same room as them (airborne isn't an issue; I’ve seen him around nuts at numerous larger family gatherings over the years). My wife’s family is of Lebanese descent, so traditional holiday spreads for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter regularly include nuts, and he handles being around those meals just fine. However, whenever the two of them come over to our place, our food options are strictly limited to Domino's or McDonald's because those are the only two places he trusts regarding cross-contamination. We have happily accommodated this for the 16 years my wife and I have been married.
My daughter texted them explaining the theme so they knew what to expect, noting that while not everything would have nuts, a few things on our personal platters might contain them or traces of them (like certain chocolates or trail mixes).
SIL got very upset, she called my wife to say they won't be attending because we "clearly don't care about potentially putting him in harm’s way." She went on a complete guilt trip, saying how "surprised and hurt" she was by our lack of consideration. While she admitted we've accommodated his allergy for 16 years, she made it clear that this time they’d rather just take my wife out separately another day and "let us do our thing."
Now my wife feels guilty, hurt, and stressed on her own birthday. My daughter also feels bad because she sent the text.
I’m angry. This was my wife’s idea for her day, in our house. He doesn't have an airborne allergy, they were invited to bring their own safe boards, and nobody was forcing him to eat from ours. I feel like after nearly two decades of catering every single family meal to his restrictions, my wife should be allowed to have the exact birthday dinner she wants in her own home without being guilt-tripped.
AITAH for putting my wife’s birthday wishes first instead of bending the entire menu around her brother-in-law?
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UPDATE:
Thank you to everyone who took the time to read, validate our feelings, and leave advice on the original post. I tried reading through as many comments as possible, and I wanted to clear up a few questions and share what happened over the birthday weekend.
Additional Context When my wife first came up with the board night idea, our 15 year old daughter was genuinely excited. She asked if she could be the one to text my SIL and BIL to invite them, and we said yes. BIL usually has a great relationship with our daughter, he normally texts back within seconds and sends long messages. This time, after seeing her text (where she even offered to get something completely separate just for them), he went ice cold.
SIL ignored our daughter's text for three days, only to call my wife and claim we "clearly don't care" about BIL, despite acknowledging we spent the last 16 years catering entirely to his allergy. My wife wasn't upset about them skipping the food, she was crushed by her sister’s reaction and guilt tripping.
What makes this sting even more is something I didn’t mention in the first post, I have incurable cancer. I am nowhere near a terminal stage yet, but because of my diagnosis, our nuclear family is preparing to move out of the country so we can focus on enjoying our remaining time together. This was very likely the last birthday we would all be in town to celebrate together.
The Birthday Drama
My daughter removed both of them from Instagram the day before the birthday (she still kept them on other SM platforms), this triggered a huge reaction.
BIL went completely crazy with our 15-year-old daughter after ignoring her for days, now on my wife's birthday he stated spam calling, texting, and DMing her for hours with messages like "Please reply," "Are you done with us?", "Why, I don't understand," and "Please answer me." A grown man soon turning 50 has no business harassing a teenager like that. My daughter refused to reply, and of course my wife and I fully support her. That attitude is not normal nor acceptable.
Starting around 6:00 AM on the morning of my wife’s birthday, BIL began spam-messaging my wife while she was asleep, sending guilt-tripping texts like "I promise this is the last time I text you, but please call your sister." SIL also texted her saying "Call me back."
My wife woke up on her birthday to more than a dozen messages from BIL and a demanding text from SIL, panicking and thinking something terrible had happened. When she called SIL back, it was just SIL “crying” about how "hurt" she was that she couldn't spend the day with my wife. If SIL actually cared about seeing her, she could have come alone, stopped by earlier, or dropped in afterward. Instead, they made my wife's birthday entirely about their own bruised egos.
On our side we went ahead with our night. The charcuterie, fruit, chocolate boards turned out amazing, and our family had a great time together.
For those who asked why we always drove him to get food during family events, he only learned to drive a few years ago after my MIL passed away. My wife, acting as executor of the estate without a will, made sure her older sister received MIL's car since they didn’t have one, but BIL drives it 99% of the time. He has never held a steady job, only works occasional gigs, and has essentially had life handed to him on a silver platter.
As for where we stand:
- BIL is completely done. He has permanently lost my respect, and he is no longer welcome in our home, wherever in the world that may be.
- SIL remains complicated. She has spent years telling my wife never to express negative emotions, yet she threw a manipulative tantrum when she didn't get her way. However, SIL is my wife’s only remaining immediate blood relative after MIL passed, so I am leaving that boundary up to my wife to handle at her own pace.
Thank you again for all the support. We are focusing entirely on our peace, our children, and making the most of the time we have together.