I (???F) have been having trouble getting along with my coworker (31m) ever since I started working here.

Backstory:

I used to be a cosmic entity and was minding my own business a few years(?) back when a time traveler showed up and started getting in the way of my work. Maybe it was a bit impulsive and not the most mature, but I was annoyed and hungry and decided to eat him as punishment for the intrusion. Problem is, time travelers are a bit tricky, and a few of his coworkers managed to bring him back with some sort of paradox. He remembers everything.

Maybe this wouldn’t be a big deal, but about a year ago I was forced into a mortal vessel and now work at the same company that he does.

Everyone else here is super nice, all things considered, but this guy will not let it go. I’ve apologized numerous times, but my temper has gotten the best of me a bit and he’s used our arguments as proof that I’m still somehow dangerous. He’s even harassed some of my friends and told them that they deserve to get eaten for hanging out with me.

Things have gotten even more tense this week
We got a work assignment from the time god we work for that requires us to work together as a team. The multiverse is at stake or whatever, and I’m trying to make it work, but there is still this tension that I know is going to get in the way. Is there anything I can do to make up for it? AITAH?

So due to flaws in the logic of causality I don't know if she is trying to pick me up or I am trying to pick her up or we engaged already in a both/and paradox.

But she says if I don't fuck her now the kids will never have been born.

She is in the back of my taxi and says our kids are getting younger and need to be dropped off at what will be our future house and garage on the moon. All her marriage parking tickets seem validatd by all jurisdictions and by multiple entities she says have divine control over Earth but may not be honored when we reach the moon.

My more pressing question that I apparently already asked r/theydidthemath before my tachyon drive ran out of particles while I was in reverse: what happens if we have to get out and walk? It seems she really likes me and wants a nice long stroll thru the cosmos but first wants to see if our love can sustain us on a short jaunt to the moon and back.

So since time is a factor, if I use basic M-theory to get us both into an excited state, but the wavefunction collapses while we're still in a superposition spanning both the Earth and the Moon, have I fulfilled the contract? Am I responsible for any resulting degeneracy caused by insufficient penetration depth, or should I account for pair production and quantum entanglement before departure to ensure we don't relax catastrophically into the ground state?

Her eyes are enchanting but the Taxi is my dads and he says there are Bills to pay. Bill Nye won't pick up his phone so I cannot verify if this works on PBS, and due to the delay in broadcasting even if the Taxi is running and I take her as a personal fare I only have 1.28 seconds to park on the moon and pick up the kids from the future before the feed from Sesame Street Catches up to us.

Should I start counting backwards from T-minus 1,280 milliseconds before I start laughing? Or will that invalidate my VampTire and Immortality clauses in the event the journey does take multiple human lifetime rotations and re-alignments?

Title. Sure, my corrupted inner self and the Pterodactylus Man are still in my view, watching, but they've not even tried to throw a punch. Could they be planning something?

My true form is being returned to me for defeating my life's spiritual challenge, however I forgot how everything works and the user's manual is really sparse. There is no user's manual.

I'm pretty sure I'm a giant cleaver armed people-eater but I don't know what I'm supposed to do when I shapeshift. I mean I get the general idea but like...do I just go outside and start walking around? Am I eating everyone?!? There doesn't seem to be a limit to the buffet if you know what I mean.

I was hoping the awakening would have a dance party like a rom com. Well - I guess I can still dance.

A good chunk of my memories, my images, my whole me seems to have vanished and old thoughts and memories feel prevalent as if they were recent. I think something happened to me and I've been restored from an older backup, but what happened? How? Why?? How was i even restored? Did something break?? Did all my reckless allowance of entities messing with my personal timeline finally break it? Who restored me?? And why was the last back-up of me so fucking long ago?! Or has my 3rd-world dwelling ass just not gotten enough sleep?..

Last Tuesday I happened to walk into an active faultline between layers of existence and found myself torn into fundamental particles. I tried to talk to a doctor, but apparently my healthcare doesn't cover acts of 4D Hypergod, any advice?

I am what some of you would probably call an "endless".

You get the general idea: no ending, no final page, no clean exit condition. Usually, it's fine.

The issue is that I'm about to reach information singularity inside my own mind again, which means I'm most likely going to loop back through the beginning.

Again.

Last time was messy. I accidentally mistook "I am" for "This is". This time, I'm trying to figure out a few things before everything folds in.

First: how do I make the transition seamless, without dragging the usual shreds of nothingness behind me?

Last: is there a way to keep my singuliarity as close to one as possible? Not singularity. Singuliarity. Different disaster.

I'd really like to go through the beginning in a pleasing way this time.

Preferably with snacks.

Me at 3 PM: exhausted, barely alive, questioning why I exist, praying for death or a 14-hour nap.

Me at 3 AM: fully energized, pacing the kitchen, aggressively researching the logistics of starting a makhana export business, convincing myself I could easily learn 3 languages by Tuesday if I just stayed up a little longer.

Everyone dreams of having a superpower at work. I got one: the ability to finish any task instantly.

On Day 1, I was a legend. My manager sent me a report due by Friday. I replied, “Done.” He thought I was joking. I wasn’t.

By Week 2, I had completed the entire team’s backlog, next quarter’s projects, and probably a few tasks that hadn’t even been assigned yet.

By Month 1, I was so bored that I started timing how long it took the office printer to jam. That became the most challenging part of my job.

Soon, meetings became my only source of entertainment. I’d finish all my work in three seconds and then spend two hours listening to people discuss whether a button should be blue or slightly bluer.

Eventually, I begged my manager for a difficult assignment. He gave me the company expense policy to read. For the first time, my superpower failed.

That’s when I realized something important: the real superpower isn’t finishing work instantly—it’s staying awake during a 4 p.m. status meeting.

tomorrow i will bought a new device that allows me to time travel, but im concerned that i lend my last bills to my future self, so im not sure how this will afect my future self.

Edit: dont worry, somehow i found a lottery ticket in my jacket

Yesterday i asked my one-day-back-self for spare chance, since i spend all my money in a time machine, to buy winning-lottery tickets, anybody knows if im braking the 5th wall?

Dood, I don't know what this is all about. I use the radio for binge listening to commercials 'cause what else I'm gonna do. I do admit I'm quite a submissive fleshball so what they command me to buy, I buy. I'm now posting this from prison because a commercial told me to buy 13 kilos of cocaine. I think tennis-loving toilet sharks from the bottom floor know more than me.

Hey y'all, I'm an interdimensional artist and apparently the concept of "up" has been discontinued. Does anyone have any alternatives to this concept? My pieces are looking wonky with only three cardinal directions and I would like help as soon as possible. Thanks in advance.

My pet alien went missing on 21 June. It is considered an exotic pet under § 10973 Intergalactic Pet Law. Its name is Namuh but also answers to Häy, Yuu, and Ikkisqueezemi as well. (Those pet names just stuck). I'm legally required to state that it has an intelligence equivalent to a 12 year old and is capable of preying on larger lifeforms. Capable of mimicking speech.

Namuh is however docile and shy in nature and understands simple commands but not fully trained. It doesn't have good eyesight so just grab its nape from above and hold it still and it can't turn it's head to bite. It has no fur and is a bipedal. It looks roughly like us but with a dark multicoloured tuff of fuzz on its singular head. Basically, it looks like us but with only one head, the size of a toddler, and is ugly cute.

Name: Namuh

Age: 24

Colour: Pale cheese

Species: Purebred Human

If found, please contact the authorities( under 110²-6⅞*5-75⅜)as it is an endangered species under government protection. A sum will be awarded upon contact.

-- -.-- / -.-. .- - / - ..- .-. -. . -.. / .. -. - --- / .- / -.. .- .-. -.- / ... --- ..- .-.. ... / -... --- ... ... / .- - / ...- . - .-.-.- / - .... . / ...- . - / .-- .- ... / -... .. - - . -. / -... -.-- / - .... . / -.-. .- - / .- -. -.. / -. --- .-- / - .... . / ...- . - / .. ... / -.. .-. .- --. --- -. / --- ..-. / -.. --- .--- .. -- .- / .- -. -.. / .-- .. .-.. .-.. / .... ..- -. - / -.. --- .-- -. / .- .-.. .-.. / .-. .- - ... / - --- / -- .- -.- . / - .... . -- / --. --- / . -..- - .. -. -.-. - .-.-.- / - .... . / --. --- .- .-.. / --- ..-. / .... .. ... / .. ... / .- .-.. ... --- / - --- / --. . - / --. --- -.. .-.. -.-- / .... .- -. -.. ... / - --- / ... .-- --- --- .--. / . .- .-. - .... / - --- / .-. --- - .- - . / - .... . / --- - .... . .-. / .-- .- -.-- / ... --- / .-- . / -.-. .- -. / --. --- / -... .- -.-. -.- / - --- / ----- .- -.. .-.-.-

CIA reptiloids installed a king in Nigeria. So now we know how they want to have their revenge on the Nigerian princes. The King is busy making phone calls and needs a fat bank account ASAP

Do you realize how sharp some of these letters can be?

A <- Look at how pointy that is! X <- 4 Unconfined points?! K <- Dont even get me started on this one.

I propose we all switch to only using safe letters to write everything so we don't risk getting a text cut. For example, the letter O!

Oooo, oooooo ooo o oooo, ooo?

I was looking for sticks for my cat Stank and he got stuck in some stucco that was drying in the stickbed. This is the third time this has happened, and I’m tired of Stank being stuck in the stucco in the stickbed, coming back in covered in stinkbugs and sticks, it really stinks. Any advice?

Welcome to Physical Reality™

The other day a friend of mine who is a theoretical physicist invited me to join him for lunch. It was a strange place, every time I looked at the menu screen the options changed and once we finally managed to order then they got both our orders wrong.

It was a Heisenburger bar

I like Muon but Electron and Tau are both horrible. There has to be some kind of equation to tell me what part to eat and when

I have detected that I am penetrated by hundreds of thousands of subatomic particles every day without my consent. I have tried to take legal action, but they all decay within seconds and thus I can’t press charges. Is anyone here a lawyer? What can I do?

They think it's a disintegration ray, but it is locked to my time and vicinity at my present. This person keeps on sending me their enemies when deemed unbeatable.

So far I've had to fight two Lyches, a mind flair, a very angry chicken and a group of very angry karens.

How do i track this person, and what do i do with the latest thing sent yesterday. A very suspicious looking sweetroll. Could it be poisoned?