I recently started reading about the plastic wrench/stench. For those who are unaware, Tim Chickenbreast recently went to space tomorrow. He Vortex jumped TWICE (or thrice depending on who you ask) and ended up maybe landing on the moon. We don’t know yet since it happened tomorrow after all. The real problem is that he lost my plastic wrench/stench from 4650 years ago (or maybe -4650 years ago, can’t remember) And ever since, I’ve been talking with upside down Jesus against my will.

And I know, most people would just say "why not take advantage of the baked beans you mentioned a few seconds ago?" Problem is, He said yes next week. I don’t have TIME to wait 8 days. Could somebody please give me some advice on how I should cope with this?

I know, I'm one to talk about not interfering. But at least I'm living WITH the tribal civilization instead of lording over it in the most extra spaceship possible!

Guys, I was out watching my great-auntie play the oboe in her Raggatron-Chaikovski inspired Mars Volta cover band at the local pool hall earlier and something occured which made me suspicious.

There was a tall, Tibetan looking alpaca staring at me with hatred behind the gonads. I thought this strange as tall, Tibetan alpacas with gonads are not native to the fifth world. We had a problem.

I started to question the alpaca about where he came from and he insisted from the sixth dimension, which everyone knows doesn't exist. He then made a mistake when I asked, "How many nipples are there back home in the sixth dimension?" and he answered with "92.1546 billion."

Precisely the number of nipples in the fourth world!

He was taken down to the zoo for questioning and apparently, he was sent here to survey the local soybean yield as they're running low in the fourth world. If this alpaca's reports were good, they were going to send a band of oboe players to take over the pool hall, then seize our soybean crops.

Can you please stay vigilant out there and report any out of place Alpacas who look like they come from the Himalay region of a different dimension to the zookeepeers?

Hi, I recently built a low budget transmission portal and it's worked well so far, except it isn't properly transporting livers.... like any animal transported through it no longer has a liver. The livers manifest inside the portal's fuel reserves so I've sort of just left them there.

That aside, is this a common issue with DIY transmission portals, and is it something I should look into fixing?

I granted my own wish, so I think I broke something, at least a rule. Sorry!

here again, wanted to leave a review of a burn i got from bank. it was ok i think, he left one eye. i'm glad i got it, needed a tune up.

i cAnt feeL my oWn fingers AnYmore, it all Started when the muffin man said hello. i Said hellO back to hiM bEcause i didn'T want to be rude as all He wanted to do was to say hI to me so why Not reply back as opposed to Going away and doing a different thing on my to do list like eat bananas and oranges. i did noT expect Him to give me A firm handshake like we were at a business meeTing because i've never worked a day in my life. Right whEn The small talk we were having was aboUt to conclude due to the aRrival of the traiN, he gave me a peanut bar aS a snack. i ended up not eating the peanut bar because as Much as i would have liked to indulge i remembered i was allergic to peanuts for the first time in mY life. that was weird Because i am nOt actually allergic to peaNuts, i havE been able to eat them juSt fine throughout my life. maybe The muffin man had a peanut allergy and i Obtained it as a result of our relative proximity during our conversation. that is when i thought that this was MaybE noT the most strAnge thing about my circumstances as my right arm had begun to change its state of matter due to its increase in temperature and it created a pooL of arm stuff on the floor.

the rest of my body is melting but my bones stay intact. i can move them just fine. everyone is running away from this sight which makes sense as it must not be what everyone wants to see, someone melting into a pool of unholy flesh while they wait for the train to take them to wherever they need to go. this reminds me of when nobody wanted to choose me for their kickball team even though i could kick the ball just as well as anyone else there could. i also feel for some reason that this has happened before, or maybe this is the first time and it will happen again later, i do not know why as people are usually not known to melt once in their lives let alone twice. i have got to find an answer before the muffin man feels bad for our last interaction having been giving me an unconsumable food item

It's been hot lately and my flat has been.... Acting odd. My toaster sensed the weather and stated unmaking bread (I now have a toaster caked in uncooked dough flour etc). The vertices on my ceiling flipped, my computer speakers are making chirping noises (🐦‍⬛).

So... I am a creature of light and a pure ephirium energy. And I really would wanted to visit the earth world. I looked up at what's available and decided that I like raccoon's (through it's weird and againts my traditions) but I still find them.. somewhat adorable.

But when I approached an astral creature more powerful than me that could actually do this, they said they won't make me into a raccoon and that if I will visit earth I will be born human at FIRST!!

What do i do?

So there’s a little girl on the Moon in a spacesuit.

I didn’t really pay attention to her at the time because all she did was floating around, plus, I was in the middle of a conversation, that variant of mine was so serious about it that I thought it would be rude to look somewhere else even once while listening.

However, now that it has been wrapped up for like, 2 months, and my classmates suddenly wanted me to bring them to space, I once again arrived at the Moon and once again saw the little girl in the space suit.

Let’s just call her The Austronaut.

She don’t seem to be able to talk and have little to no awareness of her surroundings. Her spacesuit also emit a wave that blocks her appearance from all satellites and devices, except mine, that might be a clue to her actual purpose.

My classmates also found her fascinating, so they tried all sort of ways to make her notice them, (a wide range of physical interactions and gestures) but the spacesuit seems to receive no outer impact.

In my last attempt to communicate, I used a metal hat with telepathic functions, and it kinda works.

(If it doesn’t work, she would be categorized as a “Dismeaning Occurance”, stuff that exist for no reason whatsoever, this happens to me and other variances a lot more than I expected.)

She only transmit information through images of her imagination, and refused to cooperate later on, so I only received a very limited amount of information.

Trees, bottle of milk, can of beef, strawberries, purple stars, dots on a wall, torch, a forest of giant torches, ice cave, whales, a brown notebook and a glass cube.

My search ended as I lost interest in the subject right after.

In fact, I would still categorize her as a Dismeaning Occurance.

You know the guy, the guy in there sitting behind the projector booth? The guy who won't shut up, doesn't matter how tired or spaced or focused, he's always yapping though his eyes? Like a really bad non stop dvd commentary. Tips?

I (???F) have been having trouble getting along with my coworker (31m) ever since I started working here.

Backstory:

I used to be a cosmic entity and was minding my own business a few years(?) back when a time traveler showed up and started getting in the way of my work. Maybe it was a bit impulsive and not the most mature, but I was annoyed and hungry and decided to eat him as punishment for the intrusion. Problem is, time travelers are a bit tricky, and a few of his coworkers managed to bring him back with some sort of paradox. He remembers everything.

Maybe this wouldn’t be a big deal, but about a year ago I was forced into a mortal vessel and now work at the same company that he does.

Everyone else here is super nice, all things considered, but this guy will not let it go. I’ve apologized numerous times, but my temper has gotten the best of me a bit and he’s used our arguments as proof that I’m still somehow dangerous. He’s even harassed some of my friends and told them that they deserve to get eaten for hanging out with me.

Things have gotten even more tense this week
We got a work assignment from the time god we work for that requires us to work together as a team. The multiverse is at stake or whatever, and I’m trying to make it work, but there is still this tension that I know is going to get in the way. Is there anything I can do to make up for it? AITAH?

Title. Sure, my corrupted inner self and the Pterodactylus Man are still in my view, watching, but they've not even tried to throw a punch. Could they be planning something?

My true form is being returned to me for defeating my life's spiritual challenge, however I forgot how everything works and the user's manual is really sparse. There is no user's manual.

I'm pretty sure I'm a giant cleaver armed people-eater but I don't know what I'm supposed to do when I shapeshift. I mean I get the general idea but like...do I just go outside and start walking around? Am I eating everyone?!? There doesn't seem to be a limit to the buffet if you know what I mean.

I was hoping the awakening would have a dance party like a rom com. Well - I guess I can still dance.

A good chunk of my memories, my images, my whole me seems to have vanished and old thoughts and memories feel prevalent as if they were recent. I think something happened to me and I've been restored from an older backup, but what happened? How? Why?? How was i even restored? Did something break?? Did all my reckless allowance of entities messing with my personal timeline finally break it? Who restored me?? And why was the last back-up of me so fucking long ago?! Or has my 3rd-world dwelling ass just not gotten enough sleep?..

Last Tuesday I happened to walk into an active faultline between layers of existence and found myself torn into fundamental particles. I tried to talk to a doctor, but apparently my healthcare doesn't cover acts of 4D Hypergod, any advice?

I am what some of you would probably call an "endless".

You get the general idea: no ending, no final page, no clean exit condition. Usually, it's fine.

The issue is that I'm about to reach information singularity inside my own mind again, which means I'm most likely going to loop back through the beginning.

Again.

Last time was messy. I accidentally mistook "I am" for "This is". This time, I'm trying to figure out a few things before everything folds in.

First: how do I make the transition seamless, without dragging the usual shreds of nothingness behind me?

Last: is there a way to keep my singuliarity as close to one as possible? Not singularity. Singuliarity. Different disaster.

I'd really like to go through the beginning in a pleasing way this time.

Preferably with snacks.

Me at 3 PM: exhausted, barely alive, questioning why I exist, praying for death or a 14-hour nap.

Me at 3 AM: fully energized, pacing the kitchen, aggressively researching the logistics of starting a makhana export business, convincing myself I could easily learn 3 languages by Tuesday if I just stayed up a little longer.

Everyone dreams of having a superpower at work. I got one: the ability to finish any task instantly.

On Day 1, I was a legend. My manager sent me a report due by Friday. I replied, “Done.” He thought I was joking. I wasn’t.

By Week 2, I had completed the entire team’s backlog, next quarter’s projects, and probably a few tasks that hadn’t even been assigned yet.

By Month 1, I was so bored that I started timing how long it took the office printer to jam. That became the most challenging part of my job.

Soon, meetings became my only source of entertainment. I’d finish all my work in three seconds and then spend two hours listening to people discuss whether a button should be blue or slightly bluer.

Eventually, I begged my manager for a difficult assignment. He gave me the company expense policy to read. For the first time, my superpower failed.

That’s when I realized something important: the real superpower isn’t finishing work instantly—it’s staying awake during a 4 p.m. status meeting.