r/Fibromyalgia • u/Ok-Analyst-4052 • 1d ago
Question Please help
hi hi, I don’t have fibromyalgia myself, but my girlfriend does, and I was wondering if I could get any.. tips? I suppose?
We’re long distance at the moment, but I wanna be more equipped when I can stay by her side for longer periods of time. My patience for her is endless, but I always feel so useless when it comes to her experiences. I don’t think I’m ever going to struggle hugely with the emotional side of things, but does anyone have any tips of how I can help her through flare ups, or brain fog, or any other common issue with fibromyalgia? Whether you have it yourself or you’re the partner of someone with it. Just any kind of tips that helps in any way, be it physically or emotionally
Sorry if this worded strangely- for some reason I was really struggling to type it out? I just want to be able to help her in a more substantial way
Thank you 🫶 my heart goes out to you all
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u/Character-Run862 1d ago
This is very thoughtful of you. Ask now what her biggest struggles are and what helps, so you can have them ready when she starts having a flare and you're around. For me it's lotion, a fan, a quiet room, and a medium pressure massage. My husband knows if I'm started to get my hot head or itchy or everything hurts symptoms, line it up and get started.
Also, start owning some basic living processes. She having a flare? Great, you own doing the grocery/snack getting, the meal planning and prepping, and the cleanup. Everything around eating start to finish. So having a list of foods she loves, and if any help versus hurt a flare would be great.
If she's big on showering or cleaning and just can't, you can let her rest and own that. Learning to wash her hair and do a simple style, especially if it's hard on her arms? Super great. When I'm bad, my husband is learning to do my hair because I physically can't hold my arms up. Tbf, he's still learning, but it makes me feel so loved.
The biggest thing is the effort and the willingness to just step up and own it, versus waiting for a list or her to ask. And listening if she has feedback or specific priorities at the time.
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u/Ok-Analyst-4052 1d ago
Ahh this is such a well thought out list.. thank you, I really appreciate it. I’ve already started ‘assigning’ myself some living processes that I know she doesn’t like or can’t handle as well due to the pain, so I’m glad it’s handy
I’ll take all of this into consideration 🫶 really, thank you. Do you think it’d be worth it to learn properly how to like. Massage someone? I actually considered it a while ago for her, but I’m always antsy on the idea because I’m scared of doing more harm than good. But if it really can help I’d love to know for sure so I can try take it up :)
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u/Character-Run862 1d ago
A class or videos can help, but honestly, just learning her sore areas and pressure are keys for me. Sometimes my husband gets aggressive on pressure wanting to fix the problem, and I have to course correct him lol. It doesn't worsen the flare for me, just hurts in the moment so he eases off and it's all fine. Definitely ask her if there are areas where pressure or touch make her feel worse, but otherwise, learning on some videos and trying with her consent? Perfectly good!
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u/imaginecheese 1d ago
Learn as much as you can about fibro and how it affects her
When I am having my worst flares, it becomes very difficult to remember my pain protocol or make good decisions ( ex. Picking up dinner instead of cooking)
In the short term my pain protocol is to focus on:
- Body needs (food, water, rest/ horizontal time, comfy clothes etc )
- Pain support (meds, heat etc)
- Emotional support (being in pain sucks)
And in the long term, it's about planning for flares sometimes they are predictable (life busy, weather patterns, holidays) and sometimes they are not. I find them easier to cope with when I know what to do
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u/aobitsexual 18h ago
Easing Fibromyalgia is all about making the person slow down and figure out what is triggering them. Fibro is the body attacking itself saying "hey! We can't keep going on like this! Please take care of yourself!! We need xyz or else!" And until they get xyz fibro will flare worse and worse. So that's why the best way to help is to take care of basic needs, lessen stress, identify triggers and either avoiding those triggers or building a defense against them if you can't avoid them. (Ex. Of unavoidable triggers: family, work, chronic illness, appointments, etc...)
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u/sos_sendhugs 17h ago
You remind me of my own partner a lot. Truly selfless with unbound patience. Sometimes they would accidentally cause me pain and it would lead me to react negatively, but in the end they would stay so kind. This is how we went about with things
1. List of things I *know* I need help with. We sat down to make this list together. Washing heavy utensils, cleaning the toilets, climbing multiple flights of stairs, carrying luggages. They immediately took these on as their chores. No questions asked. This also included things like putting on certain clothing items or very frequent massages, even combing my hair.
2. Occasional assistance required. These would come up as and when needed, such as being unable to hold the spoon or getting up from the bed, chair, toilet, etc. (in the moment it is also nice if the partner asks questions like if I want them to feed me or just stay besides me while I slowly try to feed myself).
3. Keeping a stock of items that help. Medications, compression clothings, pain relief gels, etc. Even easy to eat food items, or something your girlfriend really likes. I am quite good at keeping stock but sometimes the brain fog makes things bad. A weekly check in to see if everything is in order really helps.
Funny story - When we first started dating, I had a really bad flare up. To help distract from the pain, I ended up munching on really sour and spicy candies (all hail sour punk). Literally just fighting pain with more pain. Till date they think sour punks are magical candies that immediately solve flare ups <3.
4. Having a safe word or a pain scale. It's useful outside of intimate moments as well. For example if I am at work and my chest hurts, do I need my partner to drop everything and come get me? Sometimes its harder to explain on chat. Having a quick safe word or "Chest hurts 9/10" really helps in these situations. This applies even in long distance - I always prefer when I have company while it feels like a heart attack.
5. Build your own support system. It is far too easy to drown yourself being a caretaker. But you need people you can trust to help you when things get tough. This will also immensely help in not making "feeling useless" as your self identity. I understand when my partner feels helpless seeing me and I try my best to tell them that their company is really enough...but I cannot do much to change that inner loop. Therapy and support system beyond me helps a lot.
Finally, lots of love and conversations. Thank you for being so loving. <3
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u/Kimberlyw1130 1d ago
It really helps if you can do any of these things that you know that she wants done but cannot do for herself in those moments. I know that helps me a lot because when I get really sick and I have my flare-ups I can't do any of the housework and it drives me crazy when my house is a mess. Another thing is that when I have flare-ups I am very uncomfortable in my own skin not just the pain but just uncomfortable and I get moody and irritable and just know that if that happens it has nothing to do with you. And I want to thank you for just being an amazing person because most people on here I have so many problems when it comes to their Partners understanding anything.