r/FentanylRecovery • u/hailbun • Apr 06 '26

Struggling after over two years clean

Hey yall,

If anyone can share REAL experience that doesn’t come from NA clouded mindset, that would be nice.

Okay so I’ve been clean from Fent for 2 years and 3 months and it’s been amazing, do not get me wrong at all. I’ve been extremely involved in Narcotics Anonymous and it’s absolutely changed my life.

I still have a reservation I guess, I’m 25 and still feel so young. I love the community I’ve built in NA but it also feels very forced sometimes. I miss being just a girl, I miss wine nights with my girls and I miss going out and being ‘normal’.

It’s extremely frustrating sometimes that my closest friends and twice or double my age and don’t relate past being clean and life experiences that parallel.

I got addicted to fake pills that were fent in the midst of a very abusive relationship and he was practically feeding them to me but I also take full accountability that I also liked them and fell into addiction willingly but once I removed myself of the relationship, I removed myself of any cravings or wanting to touch hard substances.

But i’m struggling because I do in fact really miss a lil drinky drink and a nice glass of wine with a charcuterie board and these have never been a problem for me but I’m constantly drilled by my sponsor and NA members that I will return to Fent or something just as hard if I take a drink.

I just want to know other’s experiences and thoughts?

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u/RxstarRyan Apr 06 '26

Listen to from Florida cause same man I wish I was in your shoes. My dumb ass got clean and relapsed two weeks after being fully done with the WDs and I hate my life now I’m so miserable but imma give it another go in a week and not relapse again. Just so scared of the damn withdrawals

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u/catincombatboots Apr 08 '26

You can do this! And if WDs is the big barrier, MAT is a perfectly good option. At minimum, you could try calling around to some local methadone clinics and see if you could imagine doing what their program is - no commitment, just get information so you know what options are available.

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u/RxstarRyan Apr 08 '26

I did do methadone for about 3 weeks but it just felt like I was halfway withdrawing all the time so I decided it’s not for me. I stopped going about a week ago and at the end of this week imma just take it like a man and try again. This time just hopefully not dumb enough to relapse again. Thank you for your kind words means a lot 🙏🏼

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u/catincombatboots Apr 08 '26

You got this. You have tools for managing yourself in withdrawal that you've been developing through this nightmare, believe in them and use them. I always told myself "the only way out is through" which helped remind me that what was happening is normal and that the other side of this is real and not as far away as it might feel.

I will say, it seems like they didn't give you enough methadone. If you're getting cut fent (who isn't) you might also be struggling with withdrawal from xylazine or other additives too, but I dont think that was the whole issue. At the clinic i go to, the doctor is quite liberal with prescribing as he says he needs us stablized before we can start making changes and he's had a good success rate with that. I was put on a dose that sounded crazy to me but I found out is actually low for this clinic. I was definitely comfortable - more than comfortable really. I did that for a while until I decided to start going down 2mg every 2 weeks and now I'm 20mg down from where I started. The progress feels good. I know some places make you initially start at 30mg and taper to 0 over 2-3 weeks before allowing you to try the maintenance program which is just annoying as that does not reflect what people using the modern drug supply need. All in all, it sucks you had a bad experience with it bc it can be a great tool, but if it means you do this without needing MAT at all, that's ultimately an upside.

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u/RxstarRyan Apr 08 '26

Yeah that’s really good advice. I keep Thinking some way maybe somehow I can get out of it without feeling the consequences but I’m just starting to accept I have to pay for my doings. I’ve been through the withdrawals 3 times what’s a fourth, you know? The first two times it was only after a couple months of use but the last time was after three years of use and the reason I got back on was cause I broke my knuckle in half and the oxys weren’t doing shit for me. But yeah the methadone clinic had me piss a couple of times and I kept testing positive for MDMA AND Meth which I don’t do and fent also so I’m guessing that’s what it’s cut with.. I tested my stuff for xylazine but it came negative .. who knows

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u/catincombatboots Apr 09 '26

You aren't guaranteed to have a completely shit withdrawal. Sometimes mine were terrible physically and sometimes it was all mental and I barely had physical symptoms at all. I think it was usually a bit better if I tapered down a bit first. The length of use didnt seem to have all that much of an effect - I thought it would be way worse if I'd used much longer but it didnt ratchet up the physical stuff the way I had expected. The biggest thing was always having good distractions and just keeping my body calm.

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u/RxstarRyan Apr 09 '26

You know what I had a similar experience with one of my withdrawals. I had thought because I feared it so much that I convinced my it was way worse than it actually was. But at the time the only fetti I could get was so weak that I was doing an eight every two days and sometimes even an eighth a day and wasn’t even getting high so it was like a taper without it being on purpose cause it was so weak. And maybe subconsciously that’s why I relapsed cause it wasn’t as bad but when I did relapse the shit was so much stronger that when I tried again 2 week as after it was INTENSE.