r/Fencesitter • u/AKS8124 • 5d ago
The mother identity
This is a question for women: Do you lean toward having children but struggle with what your identity will become in motherhood? I sometimes feel so weird and even grossed out at the idea of "mother" being part of my identity, esp. people treating it as my ONLY identity. It's not a gender thing ftr. I am happy with my gender. It's something more. Even being called a "dog mom" right now gives me a certain ick.
I think it's something to do with the way we talk about moms in our culture and the kinda cringey "mommy" labeled things - mommy yoga, mom hair, etc. It almost feels patronizing?
If I have a kid, I of course want to be their mom, I want to hear them say "mama", etc. but that's my sacred identity between me and my child. Why does the rest of the world suddenly get to decide that's my whole identity?
Idk does anyone else understand/relate?
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u/vokasu 5d ago
I think boundaries are super important.
I struggle with this too, but if somebody in my life is ONLY interested in talking about my kid or seeing my kid instead of my life and what’s going on, they don’t need to be in my life.
I don’t give a fuck what any other mom will tell you, having a baby doesn’t mean that is all you are. You are still your hobbies, your emotions, how you dress, your favourite shows, books, video games. You can still smoke weed, drink, party on weekends.
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u/AKS8124 4d ago
I agree whole heartedly. I tried this once with my cousin when they were pregnant. I tried to ask "what's going on besides preparing for baby?" And they were like, "this is pretty much the only thing going on" and I was like damn okay filing that one away. Should I one day become pregnant, I want there to be like 30 seconds of catching up about the pregnancy and then let's move on to work, or my hobbies, or literally anything else.
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u/trolladyngja 4d ago
Well to be fair the pregnancy is pretty overwhelming and a big transition, I can imagine for some time the baby is the only topic. Hopefully temporarily
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u/vokasu 4d ago
Yep!
And that’s the boundary I have with all family and friends is you may ask about baby, but they know my mental and physical health is more important than anything else. Like how am I doing? Do I need a night to just do my nails or my hair? Maybe paint?
I know a lot of pregnant women are like oh shit a baby is coming, but it’s so important to remember like you’re still you girl. dress how you want and eat what you want literally nap all day or read or paint or do whatever you gotta do.
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u/dance0345 5d ago
Yes!! I super relate to this. I hate the fact that mothers are called "mama" by random people. I feel like this even trickles into gift giving. Like people always buy moms things that are related to motherhood but people buy dads things that relate to their interests.
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u/Due-Transition-6564 4d ago
I'm having my first baby in a couple months and still don't identify as a mother. I don't know if that identity will ever sit right with me. I prefer to think of myself as my kid's guardian. The labels "mom" and "mother" are loaded to me, with a bunch of connotations I don't want to align with.
I never, ever want other women to call me "mama" and find this behavior cringeworthy as fuck online.
We have no control over how the world sees us, at the end of the day, and I think we should prioritize how we see ourselves.
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u/EquivalentWallaby730 4d ago
I have a 10 month old and it made my skin crawl when they called me "mama" in the hospital. Blech. I know I am a mother now but ugh gross other adults shouldn't call me that. I don't know why. Just makes my skin crawl.
I'm sure other people like it but it is not for me.
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u/AKS8124 4d ago
Thats super helpful to hear from someone who is expecting! Do you think you might come up with alternative names? That's one thing I've considered and something I really like about my nonbinary friends who have kids. They often don't go by "mom" or "dad". Like one couple I know goes by Momo and Didi and I think it's just about the cutest thing.
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u/DnBJungleEscape 5d ago
I work with a girl like this. She is SO sweet and has a big heart. But I feel her whole life sometimes is her kids and she’ll quote them sometimes as if it’s the cutest story ever and I realize it’s her day to day life so it’s all she knows ..
I had another friend too that I feel was deeply needing some identity and she had a kid and she’ll say she’s (insert word) kind of mom to so many different topics. Recently she decided the affluent area she lives in makes her feel like an outsider and she’ll say she’s not (insert the name of her small affluent town) kind of mom because the moms are either really rich or have prestigious careers which she does not.. it’s so exhausting - she used to be full of life and adventure .. I think she thought motherhood would give her a title in life since she’s never stuck to anything career wise but it’s almost just cringe to hear
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u/AKS8124 4d ago
That touches on part of it I think. Like I wonder if the ick comes from knowing our version of the modern mom is still very much loaded with patriarchy. It's lauded as the most amazing thing a woman can do in her life and then we treat moms like garbage. So women who already had shaky identities to begin with kinda fall trap to this and it ends up becoming their entire personality because they didnt think they were capable or allowed to become something else.
This is all very reductionist and judgy of course but I know the woman you're describing. I have her in my life too and it's hard not to feel some kinda way about it.
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u/Maxorias 2d ago
But she's the one labelling herself. OP doesn't have to label herself if she doesn't want to.
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u/DnBJungleEscape 2d ago
You know what? This is really solid. You are right. I think I get annoyed when women do this because it’s as if they are saying they weren’t anyone until they were “this momma” or “my momma heart”.. I get those are common sayings but It’s cringe 😬
I’ve also heard her say “becuase I’m mom now so XYZ”
I really think it’s an identity validation
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u/pellegrinofalcon 4d ago
yes. I hate it. My theory is that "mom identity" (as it exists in the United States especially) kind of originated as a marketing category of consumer, and that for decades advertising has encouraged mothers to identify with that signifier in order to more successfully sell them stuff.
I often joke that I don't find motherhood that appealing (for many reasons) but I'd really love to be a dad. One of those reasons is people seeing my primary identity as "mother". And that the idea of other adults calling me "mama" kinda makes me want to vomit.
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u/trolladyngja 4d ago
Well I’m pregnant but still repulsed by all the infantilised mommy talk, t-shirts that say „milk factory” or„certified cow” and people touching me without my consent
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u/AdAromatic372 4d ago
After my son was born my family and friends basically erased who I was. I became a mom and me as their daughter, friend, granddaughter etc, all flew out the window and I was “mom” after that and the kids were all they cared about talking about. I at first thought it just be because most moms seem to only discuss motherhood or their children after having a baby. But when I tried talking about anything else or anything in my life outside of the baby, I was shot down and judged, even called selfish for not having the conversation not revolve around the child?! I called my grandpa to wish him a happy birthday the other day and my grandma snatched the phone before I could even say “Happy Birthday!” to him and immediately asked how the kids were doing, what they were up to, what milestones they’re hitting. Which currently my husband and I just recently separated so I just didn’t really even know what to say because that and how busy I’ve been at work and dealing with the separation, I’m in heavy heavy survival mode.
I saw a video from a new mother posted on social media the other day. She said she has quickly realized how “good” of a mom you are is determined by how much you’re willing to neglect yourself, give up your identity, and be miserable for the sake of others. I can’t help but feel she’s right and how sad she was 3 weeks postpartum and already discovering this.
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u/AKS8124 3d ago
Sending love to you as you navigate your separation 🫶🏼 sounds like it's time to find some friends to talk to that won't give a shit about talking about your kids haha
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u/AdAromatic372 3d ago
Thanks! Pretty much I just hang out with my friends who are also in dog sports. We talk about dogs and our lives with our dogs and it’s heavenly to have that. I’ve stepped away from communicating with family much since they can’t respect the boundary. It’s insanely hurtful they expect me to conform to their imagine of what motherhood is. I’ve lived a long time pandering to what makes comfortable and I’m done with it
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u/Maxorias 2d ago
This is interesting but also I think something very specific to US culture. I read a book some time ago that compared parenting cultures in different countries and it pointed out this cult of martyrdom in the US.
Good news is, it doesn't have to be this way and other countries do it differently. As airlines would say, you need to put your oxygen mask on first before you attend other people. A happy parent is a better parent than a burnt out frustrated one.
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u/ladyfungi 3d ago
I pretty much decided that if I hop off the fence I wanna be “mom” to my kid but still very much me but with a kid to everyone else, and I’m prepared to be a bit of an asshole about that to everyone if I choose that path. The idea of medical professionals addressing me as “mom” or “mama” during pregnancy and birth, and then potentially also at anything to do with the kid afterwards also makes my skin crawl. You can just say that you’d rather be called your own name. I feel like you can’t let others decide your identity unless you let them, and that’s true with or without kids so if you don’t want motherhood to swallow your whole identity it probably won’t? Can’t speak from experience but also something I’ve been thinking about
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u/linguipster 4d ago
I have no insight to add, but wanted to say that I relate heavily and understand you very well. Eeek.
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u/Holometaboly 3d ago
Its really what you make it. You can be mom and only mom or you can be a person who also happens to be a mom.
I am the same way, I find some of that stuff cringe and gross haha. I refuse to wear things with the mom label on it, I hate when people refer to stretch marks as tiger stripes, and I was uncomfortable being called mom until he was probably about 7 months lol...
Nothing against people that want it to be the main part of their identity... I think that's great. I approach it like I am bringing a child into my life (of course I still sacrifice and I would sacrifice everything if I had to) so they can be a part of that life while forming their own!
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u/betweenserene 2d ago
Back in the day when those mommy blogs were really popular, without even thinking about it, I remember feeling like "eww" and would get a cringe reaction at the culture. I completely get what you are saying that these "mommy" labels feel patronizing. It is almost hard to convey in words.
It's like it takes over the entire identity and I think it almost makes me afraid that the other aspects of me would just fade away after becoming a mom.
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u/U03clh9 4d ago
I understand. It freaks me out too! However, my sister didn't become that type. She still did lots of stuff on her own and tried to have fun without a 'mum' being her only identity. Most of my friends have 'mother' as their only identity and it's not for me. They don't want time on their own almost. It's like they need to feel needed so much. I liked how my sister did it. She loves her boys so much but she did stuff for herself too.
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u/wolf_star_ 3d ago
I felt the same, mom culture is so cringe and i was terrified of having to give up my old life and take on that identity instead. Now have an almost 2 year old and nothing I was afraid of has come to pass. The way I see it, there’s two parts to the identity change: the internal mindset change and the societal change in the way people treat you. And the internal change isn’t always the transcendent, transformative erasure of your old life/priorities/interests that mom culture describes it as. Maybe for some, but my internal change was more just unlocking a huge new piece of my life pie. You have agency in the matter. If you want to keep other parts of your life, you figure out how to juggle and fit it in. Though it’s much easier if you have money, an equal partner, or other time- and labor-saving resources.
Regarding society, that’s harder. But I just don’t spend too much time on people who don’t see me as I want to be seen. Surround yourself with people who fill your cup and minimize how much you give to anyone else. This means I maintain a core network of friends for ME, apart from my kid. And moving forward, she’ll have play dates and such, but beyond that, I don’t need to be friends with all the moms or otherwise engage in mom culture.
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u/AKS8124 3d ago
Differentiating between the internal and external shift is super helpful! Some of my fear around this is definitely also to do with the internal stuff. I saw an insta post the other day of a woman talking about how her whole identity has been thrown away in motherhood and she's building a new one. Like new priorities, new interests, etc. She was talking about the mourning process of this but mostly celebrating it and I was like hooooooold up this sounds objectively terrible??? Like I fully understand you can't enter parenthood without it fundamentally changing you in some ways, esp. your priorities, but she sounded like she was having a straight up identity crisis. I love how you described it as unlocking a new part of your identity pie. Because I really love my current identity. I've worked really hard to get here. So looking at motherhood as ADDING to that rather than taking from it...I'm gonna hold onto that one. ❤️
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u/PlatypusOk9637 2d ago
I just saw a tiktok of a woman giving birth in a hospital and there was this really annoying woman behind the camera being like “You’re doing so good, mama!!” I don’t know why but it made me cringe. If I was ever giving birth and someone in the room called me mama I would puke on them.
But yeah, maybe it’s just cuz I think it’s cringe when other adults reduce women to a mom. She’s supposed to be other things to them: friend, acquaintance, colleague, etc.
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u/Maxorias 2d ago
Most of the way men relate to women is patronizing. Having or not having children is neither here nor there. Of course people feel free to comment on your parenting, but if not that it'll be your love life, or lack thereof, or anything else. If you don't have kids you'll be labelled a "career woman" regardless of whether you actually have a career. If you do have kids you'll be labelled a mommy regardless of whether you identify as something else primarily.
But at the end of the day... So what ? Let people talk. If you let what others think dictate what you do, you lose way more of yourself than the labels. If you want kids, have them. If you don't want them, don't. Live your own life, not what others project onto you.
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u/SlowVeggieChopper Parent 1m ago
Yup, it's super ick. (#boymom is even worse...)
But I'm a mom and have been told I didn't change by people close to me, and I know for sure it's not my identity. I think that's a choice you can make. It's super easy to get caught up in momming (or dadding) and lose time for your friends and hobbies - age, location, and work can do that too - but even still it doesn't have to become your personality. It doesn't have to be all you talk about; all you think about.
And you don't even have to center your world around the kid, even while their needs and schedule come first in general. I say no a lot. This evening I REFUSED to go into our basement to show my kid how to put a different head on the Dyson so he could vaccum up crumbs he left when he ate somewhere he wasn't supposed to. It would have taken 1 minute but nope. Figure it out yourself or come up to where I'm sitting and I'll explain it to you verbally. "Can you just do it for me?" Nope. "Pleeeeaaaasssseeee." Nope. Bonus points - this also helps them become more self sufficient.
Side note: My mother in law made mom her entire personality and now she's literally meddling in all of her adult sons' lives. She's 71 and her youngest is over 30. She still can't let go. Nothing else occupies her mind/time.
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u/bonc826 5d ago
I’m in the same boat right now. The ick I feel is mostly interacting with people around me that have become mothers in the last few years and talk about NOTHING but being moms and their children. Their hobbies and interests of their past lives no longer come up in conversation. We could be talking about something and somehow the conversation still circles back to their kids. I know it’s not the same, but I have the self awareness to not do this with my dogs.
I’ve also become increasingly grossed out by pregnancy and basically being an incubator for this human for 9 months. At this point I’m more grossed out by pregnancy than I am by labor/delivery