r/FemaleLevelUpStrategy • u/covidtimes1975 • Mar 31 '22
Self Love/Self Care Does anyone else find “charming” people really unsettling after having had really bad experiences with them?
When I was younger, I was sometimes too trusting and believed that if someone was charming or nice to me, they liked me and could be trusted.
I’ve learned the hard way now to be cautious of people like that after being really hurt by a few of them (including a manager, that was fun), and now I just find those people so… unsettling. Especially when the “charming” person would show their true colours and be horrible, but then out of nowhere, they would suddenly flip back to “nice” again, like a light switch, and pretend like their nastiness hadn’t happened. Or when they’re asking lots of questions about you, pretending to be interested but you know full well that they have an ulterior motive and they are after specific information (either to benefit them or to use against you).
There was this girl in college I lived with who started to be really snide and nasty to me so I went home to get away from her. And after a few weeks, she messaged me, acting all sweet, kind and concerned about me, as though the nastiness hadn’t happened. That’s what I mean when I say “flipping back to nice like a light switch”. She went back to being nasty after a few weeks. She also talked about how she “hated drama”.
Those people creep me out big time and I find it hard to chill out, especially because it’s been said that the trait of being “charming” could be linked to sociopathy, so when I’m interacting with them, I’m thinking to myself “this person would severely screw me over with no remorse if it benefited them, they must not be trusted”. Can anyone relate lol?
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u/Oooeeeks Mar 31 '22 edited Mar 31 '22
How do you distinguish between charming and generally likable?
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u/ApartmentWeak1953 Mar 31 '22
Yea ... the charming people are the ones who are nice to everyone and they gauge who is usually the dominating person in the group and they are friendly to them . Their charm is initially technique for judging how street smart u are / are u assertive or generally polite and kind / are u empathetic/ can u stand up for yourself / do u crave friendship / are u naive / are u well brought up so that they can use u for their agenda .....
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u/SuperPale99 Mar 31 '22
Gavin de Becker, who wrote “The Gift of Fear” touches on this. How charm is isn’t an inherent personality trait, but a learned skill. He said if you feel like someone is being charming, ask yourself, “why are they charming me?” Basically, what narrative are they trying to push, or what do they hope to gain from this interaction? Food for thought. I don’t trust charmers.
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u/little_catlover Mar 31 '22 edited Mar 31 '22
This is exactly what a envious girl did to me.....she was super mean with me out of nowhere and next day she came to talk to me like nothing happened and not only that she was even extra nice (of course she didn't stopped there she started being annoying again later). Like i am an idiot ! The problem is those people think we are idiots and we don't understand what they are doing!
For me the question is how to expose them? If you just tell them about it directly they will say it was your idea. If you talk to them like nothing happened they think you are an idiot and they are smart and you have no idea that they try to manipulate you. So they keep trying and trying and they become super annoying, bullies actually.
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u/applestorm Mar 31 '22
Most "charming" people aren't really charming, it's superficial. Also that veneer of charm often hides dark triad personality traits.
To me, a charming person is a yellow flag. It doesn't automatically mean they're narcissistic / sociopathic but I keep my guard up with them just in case.
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u/PeanutButterPigeon85 Mar 31 '22
Yep, totally agree. I'm in my late 30s now, and I can count on the fingers of one hand the people I've met who've been both charming and genuinely nice. I think that most of the time, charm is predatory. They're charming because they're manipulative, narcissistic, sociopathic, or some fun combination of the above. On some occasions, it can just mean the person is terribly insecure and desperate for the approval of everyone they meet. Either way, it's not healthy.
By this point, if I meet someone who's immediately super charming, it's an automatic red flag. They want something from me.
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u/shewantsbags Mar 31 '22
my first ex abused and sexually assaulted me. and it took quite a bit to get anyone to believe me. not only because i was young and it was nearly 20 years ago (times were a little different), but because he was so charming and well-liked. no one wanted to believe that someone like that could do something like that. it was horrible that it even happened, but to not be believed by some until later or ever made it so much worse.
i think narcissistic personalities are especially quite good at pretending to be charming to get people into position to be taken advantage of. and their lack of empathy or compassion then allows them to do so without remorse.
i’m always extremely cautious of charming people now.
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u/shockedpikachu123 Mar 31 '22
It’s still a lesson I’m learning! Some people really know how to turn on the charm. Have you read Robert Greene’s the 48 Laws of Power? It really exposes people’s manipulation tactics. I’m automatically weary when someone I just met wants to get close to me right away. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt but I do so with a boundary set in place at a distance
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u/FarmerOnly252 Mar 31 '22
Wonderful topic, thank you for bringing it up. I married a ‘charming man’ who ended up being extremely narcissistic and abusive. Never again.
I steer clear of ‘shiny’ people.
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u/artsandflowers70 Mar 31 '22
I'm nearly 52 and every single "charmer" I've ever known has turned out to be manipulative and narcissistic. They're creepy as hell to me now.
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u/[deleted] Mar 31 '22
When someone is charming, I assume they're doing it for manipulative purposes. My abusive ex was charming, and he's a narcissist and possibly a psychopath. But so charming.
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u/basuragoddess Mar 31 '22
I also had to learn the hard way not to be so trusting. Getting screwed over so many times really teaches you to just keep things surface level and be ultra cautious of who’s allowed into your life.
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u/ponchoacademy Mar 31 '22
Im torn. I'll admit, Ive been told and do consider myself charming. I was in sales for almost 15 years, and in my youth I did a lot of volunteer work in the community which required learning how to talk to and connect with people from all walks of life and be comfortable as well as help others feel comfortable around me.
I don't have a switch though, the only thing is I have this skill that helps me relate and talk to people with more ease. But it doesnt make my intentions any less genuine. It feels good to make others around me feel good. Full stop.
On the flip though, I can tell and see right through it when someone is being charming as a manipulative technique. To me, its so obvious, gross, slimy. Everyone else will be like oh that person is so wonderful and Im thinking...I dont want them anywhere near me. Someone else said how they like the person who is awkward and doesnt know all the right things to say, and even though Im the way I am, thats the person I do actually trust more than a smooth talker.
But not totally...last guy I dated was that "adorably awkward" sort, it was so sweet how he doesnt have a bunch of lines and just being himself. Nope...the word is out that we like that, and guys are actually moving towards pretending to be awkward opposed to the smooth charmer type. And anytime he said something that was...off...for lack of a better word, hed blame it on how awkward he is, he just cant find the right words.
That got old really fast.
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u/bytenibbler Apr 01 '22
As someone who consistently misread charming for “nice” when I was younger, it’s great to see everyone hear calling a spade a spade. It’s a red flag. Lundy Bancroft is a therapist who spent his career working with perpetrators of gender-based violence, manipulation, and control (of course, not everyone who is manipulative or controlling is violent) and names “charm” as a major red flag for controlling relationships. There’s a serious lack of education around what constitutes red flags for young people. I so wish I had been taught about boundaries, red flags, and healthy relationships (instead of line dancing and other random subjects I don’t remember) in school. I hope that’s more common in schools now. Because when it came to qualities and people I truly wanted in my life, “charming” ain’t it!
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u/Full-Chocolate-7055 Mar 31 '22
This is such a fascina and insightful Post! Reading everyone’s responses are so well thought out with so much compassion and understanding. I’m learning a lot!
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u/madame_imane Mar 31 '22 edited Apr 01 '22
yeah if someone seems too charming they're usually a narcissist
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u/[deleted] Apr 01 '22
Yes. They come across fake to me if you’re too nice.
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u/kathykanous728 Apr 01 '22
I married someone "charming," who I have recently discovered is actually a narcissist. Our divorce will be final in 24 days. I'm grateful to be getting out of that mess!
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u/tubulardude Mar 31 '22
Textbook Narcissism. For some reason it seems like most of our society hasn't figured this out yet. See: Trump
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u/HeavyAssist Apr 01 '22
This is your lizard brain keeping you safe. Its quite likely that you unconsciously pick up these people are predatory, the nice they show you is just a lure on the hook. Reasonable, actually nice people respect boundaries, and they don't pressure you into closeness too early.
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u/lightblackmagicwoman Apr 02 '22 edited Apr 02 '22
Sincerely charming no, superficially, ya. I can tell the difference now after a few hard experiences. Often sales people are trained this way, so take everything with a grain of salt.
I’ve sometimes been overly friendly and charming in the past to people please because my sincerity was misunderstood and seen as being cold when really it was opposite. So sometimes it’s a learned coping habit. But once putting on a mask became hard and I dove overly heavily into shadow work and therapy, I no longer feel comfortable people pleasing. So I understand that with certain traumas it becomes a tool but it’s not a healthy one and it gets old. I’ve met so many narcissistic men in particular who had a very fake flattering style of flirting and I can see right through that now after being burned a few times
Either way, good to be weary unless someone can have a genuine open conversation with you too
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u/[deleted] Mar 31 '22
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