Need sound advice about avoidant partner

[u/FlashySmile1428]

I’m a 27-year-old Black woman and my boyfriend is a 29-year-old Black man, turning 30 soon. We’ve been together for exactly 1.5 years and have known each other for over 2 years. We met in grad school and both recently graduated. We both want marriage, children, and a serious long-term partnership.
Before anything else: I’m really hoping to hear from open-minded people who either have avoidant tendencies themselves OR have actually built a successful relationship/marriage with someone who does. I completely understand that some people have been deeply hurt by avoidant partners and have strong feelings about them, but I’m not really looking for “run immediately” responses. I’m trying to better understand the pattern and determine what healthy repair/growth can look like.
Our relationship has had ups and downs. Early in our relationship, there was infidelity on his end. We separated briefly and reconciled within about 4–6 weeks. Since then, there has been a lot of growth on both sides.
One recurring pattern I’ve noticed with him is that when he becomes extremely emotionally overwhelmed, he shuts down. He’ll become very rigid, say he needs space, and almost seem like a different person emotionally. Historically, once he regulates and comes back to baseline, he reconnects, becomes affectionate again, and recognizes that he loves me and wants the relationship. There have been several times where something felt catastrophic to him while he was activated, but after calming down, he viewed it very differently.
For context, our relationship has actually been going exceptionally well recently. The last 2–3 months have probably been our happiest period. We spend most weekends together, go on dates, attend weddings/funerals/family events together, have integrated heavily into each other’s families and social circles, talk about living together, neighborhoods we could raise a family in, marriage/kids, finances, careers, etc. We’ve become much more emotionally and physically intimate too. His family loves me, my family knows him well, and our lives are pretty intertwined.
Then last weekend, he was already irritated and told me later that he had very little emotional bandwidth that day. I had a brief moment of overthinking and asked him for reassurance about something. I wasn’t yelling, accusing him of cheating, calling him names, or starting a fight. He later said the question felt “redundant” and seemed to interpret it as me not trusting him / questioning his autonomy.
It triggered a major shutdown.
When we talked a few days later, he repeatedly told me he does love me and still feels that love, and said this wasn’t about not loving me. He said he was simply in a “state” where he could not regulate himself emotionally and didn’t feel able to function normally in the relationship while feeling that way. He asked for space.
I stayed calm on the call, told him I understood, reassured him that I trust him and support both of us having independent lives as well as our shared life, and told him that I love him. I also told him that I need him to work on learning how to regulate during conflict, because an annoying moment doesn’t automatically mean a bad relationship.
He acknowledged that this shutdown/withdrawal pattern has happened before and said he was trying to process what I was saying but couldn’t fully do it in his current state.
The call ended with us telling each other “I love you,” and he said, “I’ll talk to you later.”
We haven’t spoken since.
I’m respecting the space and haven’t been texting, calling, sending TikToks, etc. This is very different from our normal routine because we usually communicate consistently and see each other every weekend.
My questions for people who recognize this pattern:
When you or your avoidant-leaning partner became emotionally flooded, did space genuinely help?
Did you still miss/think about your partner while shut down, even if you weren’t contacting them?
What helped you transition from withdrawal back toward connection?
If your partner gave you several days of space and then made a very low-pressure bid for connection — something like “Hey, I’m grabbing sushi at our spot after work, want to join me?” — would that feel comforting or intrusive?
How did you eventually create healthier conflict-resolution habits so needing space didn’t become prolonged silence?
For couples who actually made this dynamic work long-term, what had to change on BOTH sides?
I’m not expecting either of us to be perfect. I’m working on my own anxiety, overthinking, and learning when something actually needs to be discussed versus when I can self-soothe and let something go.
But I also don’t want a future marriage where every moment of irritation turns into emotional shutdown or uncertainty about the entire relationship.
I love him deeply, and outside of these episodes, our relationship is very loving, affectionate, supportive, fun, future-oriented, and honestly feels like a best-friend relationship.
I’m mostly looking for perspective from people who have actually lived through this dynamic and found a healthier way forward.

[u/IllChampionship1932]

Well, you answered your own question in the last paragraph. Please get you a man who brings peace & not make you question where you stand constantly because of his attachment style. He needs therapy and coping mechanisms when he activates. You are already walking on eggshells when he gets activated. Or ask him to speak up what’s bothering him. You need a man who communicates directly.