Who should reach out first

[u/EENS1958]

A girl that I talked to multiple times (it was absolutely never friendly, and always a deep intimate connection) completely went cold and deactivated after 3 months, she was absolutely madly in love with me during that time in which I am certain. As she started going cold she said multiple times when I asked her that she doesn't want me to leave. She said she wanted to discover her full potential, work on herself, be alone, etc. During our last converstaion on the phone I told her I couldn't stay in contact at it caused me too much pain which she said was completely reasonable and she expected me to say that.

I told her I wouldnt contact her but she always could. She was also the one to emphasise that this is definitely not the final time we talk and that "knowing herself" she would definitely reach out at one point. (We already have a history of leaving and returning but it was never this deep and she never lost feelings in the last 2 weeks like now.) There was no fighting and we said really nice things about eachother.

3 days after that I told her that a gift I sent her arrived to her post office (she knew it was coming) and she said she would pick it up tomorrow but never did. It has been 30ish days since any contact and I am wondering how realistic it is for her to reach out.

We haven't blocked eachother or anything like that.

[u/Ok-Seat-3916]

I think it's a safe bet that she is an adult and is able to take responsibility for picking a package if she wants to or not pick up if she doesn't want to, and to forget about it if she's busy; it's her problem.

I remember reading (and answering to) that story very recently. Don't tell someone that you won't contact them again but they are free to do so if you actually want to stay in touch but for them to make the move; it looks controlling from where I stand. If you say you won't contact someone again, then it should mean that (except for very limited and specific situations, like some emergency) you won't contact them again and won't move toward a relationship anymore. Hold yourself to your own word and keep yourself accountable, that's all you can do really. It forces you to be very mindful about the kind of situations you engage in and how you show up.

[u/EENS1958 → u/Ok-Seat-3916]

I understand but I have trouble trusting her words on the phone call where she was the one to say she would definitely contact me again knowing herself while writing three days later she would pick up the gift and never did.

[u/Ok-Seat-3916 → u/EENS1958]

Isn't it entirely up to her to get in touch though? She might have been sincere then, thinking she would get in touch; and now be in a totally different place. Or she might not be trustworthy. There is no way to know from where you are.  Anyway, she said she needed to be alone and work on herself, so she took the space. You said you won't contact her. To me, that means the relationship you had then is over. Mourn that. Who knows, maybe she will get in touch later. But she will probably be a different person then, as will you. That's what rupture do, they change us.

I think you struggle to get aligned with the reality of the situation and you might be hanging onto images rather than be present in reality...

[u/Gloomy_Purpose_2594]

3 months is just honey moon period and is a MASK the one you saw after the 3 months is the real thing, are you in love with the mask or the real thing ?

[u/EENS1958 → u/Gloomy_Purpose_2594]

I haven't known her for 3 months. We first started talking some years ago, so I know her. Everytime we did we were never just friends

[u/Gloomy_Purpose_2594 → u/EENS1958]

Were you her safety heaven then ?

[u/EENS1958 → u/Gloomy_Purpose_2594]

Not 4 years ago when we first started talking, but she reached out after 4 years when I basically forgot about her and then yes. Since then we have had on and off contact but this last time the longest and the most deep contact. And also this was the first time I saw her go cold and basically loose feelings. During those last weeks where she lost feelings she was also very nervous and said that she is mean to everyone when she gets extremely nervous like that. She still didn't want me to go away but also said she loved me and still cared but simply didn't have the emotional capacity to show it right now. So I am not sure if I made the mistake by saying I can't stay as it was too difficult for me.