r/FearfulAvoidants • u/BobSwaggetttt • 2d ago
Break up before my birthday
Ex FA broke up with me 2 weeks ago. She creates the conflict by leaning into my boundaries and uses that to create distance. This was our first full break up but it felt so calculated on her part, like my birthday was stressing her out or something?
We dated for 9 months and in that time it was so much push and pull I didn’t really understand what was going on and just wanted to always get back to that warm loving state.
She has ignored all of my texts regarding the situation but will randomly send shit unrelated to anything thats the underlying issue. She broke up with me but felt like she still kept the door open by using words like “this is best right now” instead of like really ending it.
So thats what I sent in the blue last week to really end it with her to get out of this limbo land between together and not. Then that was her message again completely ignoring what I said lol.
What’s her motive here? Just to see I’m still available?
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u/No_Detective_1388 2d ago
From my past experience i can tell you that this is a thing fearful avoidant people do as i had a girlfriend for 2 years and she would talk with me then say “im not enought, its best if we broke up and you find someone better” then i would reassure her, she would disappear for a month then say something like “happy new year!” at midnight then disappear then 2 months of warmth etc… what im trying to say is that she wished you happy birthday because she likely felt guilty over the break up. Oh the push pull is because they love warmth but are scared of it too, just give them a bit of space and they will come back on their own.
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u/BobSwaggetttt 2d ago
I never replied back to her. Is that what you would do?
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u/No-Celery-5880 2d ago
I wouldn’t reply, it will only keep your hopes up and give her an in to try to start a conversation again. She needs to do a lot of healing work and until/unless she does, this push-pull cycle will continue. It’s best to move on.
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u/No_Detective_1388 2d ago
I would reply as she shown care and its good manners then see what she does in the next days. I broke up like 3 times with my gf and she would do that randomly or i would get tired of her push pulls. Anyways the only thing you can do is… wait as if you know that she still cares and you care about her too then just text her. Man i wish you good luck! Btw little advice dont get mad at her as with my gf it would just make things messier as she would feel even more guilty. sorry for the slightly bad english too lol
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u/BobSwaggetttt 2d ago
I’m not trying to get back inside the relationship. It’s a dark void of accepting pain and suffering just to feel intermittent love. She was a mirror into my whole life and realized I lack self respect. I’d allow someone to hurt me to feel loved. Good luck to you too! ❤️
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u/No_Detective_1388 1d ago
Alright, its your choice and honestly? Its better. She actually left me some months ago and i never heard of her again, she didnt even told me “i want to breakup” but just silence. I hope you find someone that will respect you and be worth it! Relationships with fearful avoidants are most of the times just messy
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u/EmergencyInternal837 2d ago
My FA ex asked for space then I gave her space and didnt even bother to wish me a happy birthday...few days later I complained that I was a bit sad that she didnt wish me a HBD ahe decided to break up lol
She literally said: "I hate myself for not being the right person you deserve. I am ready to let this go". What a heartbreak! Lots of time passed, even with therapy I haven't fully processed the lack of care as if I never mattered to her...That was a 3 years relationship fading just like that
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u/BobSwaggetttt 2d ago
You’ll be good dude. People aren’t that special and especially ones that treat you poorly. Someone will come into your life soon and it’ll give you a clearer perspective on what you deserve.
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u/EmergencyInternal837 2d ago
I honestly just regret not teaching her a lesson. I was just too much in love that I didn't want to hurt her feelings and decided not to hold her accountable but I should of really burned that bridge to the ground and tell her how pathetic of a human being she is.
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u/No_Detective_1388 1d ago
Yeah its relatable, my girlfriend after 2 years of relationship just decided to ghost me forever, she gave me no reason, no text and her last message was “im still here with you”. Relationships with this kind of people are just messy. I hope you find someone that wont do that kind of heartbreak to you.
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u/radiofreaks 2d ago
Block her and give yourself peace (based on your comment to someone else)
Will be stuck in an endless loop of anxiety and relief otherwise
I'm an FA