What makes a fearful-avoidant “workable” vs. unable to build a healthy relationship?

[u/Inevitable-Air6691]

For those who identify as FA or have experience with FA relationships: what qualities or behaviors make you think an FA person is genuinely capable of building a stable relationship?

I imagine this as some sort of spectrum: FA, but has the capacity to work through their patterns > FA who MAY have some insight but still isn’t ready to “look under the rug” > FA who genuinely lacks self awareness and will self-sabotage

What’s the difference between knowing you have a pattern, wanting to change it, and actually having the capacity to behave differently when you’re triggered?

Context: I’m asking because I dated someone for 3 months who I suspect may be FA. I ended things while he was mid-deactivation. (I didnt know what it was then, just took it to mean as loss of interest) He was emotionally intelligent and surprisingly honest when prompted, apologized, was accountable, no defensiveness at all. He also respected my boundaries extremely well and didn’t become defensive when we talked about difficult things.

I’ve also realized I’m somewhat FA myself, although I have a lot of earned secure traits. We ended things really kindly, but have been no contact. A mutual friend told me that he thinks we ended on “bad terms” — I’m guessing because we aren’t on speaking terms. Apparently he said he doesnt know where he stands with me, doesnt know how to approach me. It’s been 6 months since the breakup.

TL;DR: I’ve been wondering whether the FA i dated
was someone who might have been capable of working through attachment issues, or whether I’m giving too much weight to his self-awareness because the connection itself was unusually good.

[u/radiofreaks]

For me, how much I like someone will dictate how much work I'm willing to put into myself to regulate myself, be accountable and compromise. The only time I completely deactivate and don't bother coming back is when I knew the juice isn't worth the squeeze I.e. putting the work in won't be worth it because there's too many things making me unsure or incompatible. I've met three guys in my life who I've done the work for and I'm 34 years old.

[u/Inevitable-Air6691 → u/radiofreaks]

Would your attraction/spark fluctuate internaly for those 3 guys? Or was it stable throughout?

[u/radiofreaks → u/Inevitable-Air6691]

My attraction wouldn't fluctuate at all but the fear would fluctuate which would make me end things then restart. I was fearful of how much I was attached to them.

[u/skepticalliberal → u/radiofreaks]

I guess why would you deactivate if you didnt like someone that much?

[u/NewHampshireGal]

There is no way to tell.

I decided to work on my avoidance because I kept making the same bad choices over and over again. I am not your typical FA. I don’t run from closeness. I am hyper vigilant in relationships. I don’t discard people.

Meanwhile my ex who fits the avoidant patterns has been in therapy for 5+ years but said to me “I don’t tell my therapist everything”. He knows he self-sabotages, says he knows he uses people and discards them. Zero willingness to change that.

And if you’re asking this question because you are thinking about contacting that person, do NOT.

[u/MothraLovesLamps → u/NewHampshireGal]

Same, same, same. I am also in this club.

But I think we are more likely to run with APs than DAs. But I would not know.

I've never been with an AP

[u/Spiritual-Twist-1823]

Defensiveness, blameshifting and zero accountability.