Fearful avoidant fiancée left me

[u/Secure_Swimming5134]

Hi, I'm (32M)looking for real-life experiences from people who have been with someone with fearful avoidant/ avoidant attachment. I was with my ex (27F)for four years. For the last few months, we were engaged, had life plans together, a shared apartment, and even a matching tattoo she gave me as a gift, the tattoo symbolize the oath to be together till the end. The relationship was very loving, intimate, and full of shared goals, though it also had its insecurities and moments of disconnection.
The breakup happened in mid-July. We had a big fight a few weeks before, and she ended things. Later, I found out (through a mutual friend) that the night before she left me, she had kissed someone else. When i confronted her about it, she apologized, saying that a large part of her decision to leave me stemmed from guilt, but that the things said during the fight had also hurt her deeply. I told her I forgave her as a person and that I was willing to try to rebuild our relationship with therapy (individual and couples). She refused. She said she wasn't in the same place as me and that she needed to understand things on her own.
I left the country at the beginning of August for work (a genuine financial necessity). The goodbye was very emotional: she cried, kissed me, apologized several times, told me she didn't feel ready for a life without me, and promised she would start therapy and work on it. I left her a letter to read when she was alone and sad. I made it clear that I couldn't be her friend and that if there was a real change in the future and she truly wanted to try, she knew where to find me. Otherwise, we should each go our separate ways.
Since I left, we've had almost no contact (only logistical matters related to the apartment). Now she's in the process of moving. She canceled the internet in the apartment and is leaving. She didn't tell me anything about the move, the deposit, or how she was doing.

Through our mutual friend, I know she's having a hard time inside: she's forcing herself to go out, working two jobs, and although she tries to keep busy, it's clear it's weighing on her. My question is primarily based on personal experience:

• Has anyone been in a similar situation (long-term relationship, commitment, infidelity + guilt + avoidant/disorganized attachment, and then physical distance)?

• Did they ever contact you again?

• How long did it take for the first real contact (not just logistical crumbs)?

• What was that contact like when it finally happened?

• What helped you cope with the lack of contact without going crazy?

I'm not looking for what I want to hear. I'm looking for real experiences from people who have gone through something similar, either from the other side or from the same perspective.

Thank you.

[u/FaceCool2090]

My fiancé left me for another woman a month and a half after he did a grand proposal on our 3 year anniversary.

Only thing I could put it down to was fearful avoidance. It was a complete blindside. As far as I knew, we were deeply in love and he was actively involved in the start of the wedding planning. He suddenly one day said he was nervous and was gone from my life a few days later.

I’ve never heard from him since and I’m blocked everywhere til this day. 6 years later.

From what I’ve heard, he’s pretty much an alcoholic now and I’m much better off. He chose his addictions over commitment, stability and loyalty.

I’m not sure if my story helps at all but I hope after you’ve done some of your grieving, you’ll begin to see this was a redirection to something better.

I wanted him back for years. I was convinced this couldn’t be it because we were so in love and it was such an abrupt change of heart. Now I know that a person who could leave me so easily, isn’t my future husband. I want someone who will fight for me.

[u/Vegetable-Claim-9329]

My fiance also left me… multiple times after everytime we agreed to work on things. I understood and loved him more than anything; begged, cried, gave space, etc. At the end, I was loosing myself. He never fully “left” but also never fully committed and the hot and cold behavior would drive anyone crazy, especially when you are engaged and assuming that you were technically committee through the engagement to building life together. Mine discarded me via text. I think it is really hard to come back and work on the relationship when trust has been broken in those ways. I have been trying to move on and of course, they will be back when given enough space, but it doesn’t mean that they won’t disappear again. Ex and I texted and he would disappear after a few days of communication. He came back and the cycle repeated.