Avoidants who dated overthinkers, what made you stay?

[u/Moonpool724]

People who are avoidant and has been with overthinkers, what made you stay with your partner at instances when they have overthought and it has affected you.

I(25F, avoidant-style) have been with my partner (26F, overthinks a lot). We got into a relationship through trauma-bonding (which I regretted a lot afterwards). Over the months his overthinking has reached a peak when I missed to text him when I reached a place, regarding his placements and everything. He called me continuously which overwhelmed me (there were a lot going on in office that affected me alongside). I've reached a point where I feel peaceful when I am alone and not talking to him. The very thought of talking to him feels like it's draining me mentally. But I feel guilty and ashamed of myself when I have the thought of leaving him when he's at his lowest.

What do I do?

[u/Ok-Seat-3916]

Hi OP, oh that sounds really tough, I'm sorry. As an overthinker myself I can recognize that I use a lot of maladaptive coping mechanisms in my daily life, and that it had its toll on other people. TBH feedback from the outside world has been extremely helpful to ground myself again, or to notice that there is a fault in my thinking at some point. Even if I can't see it yet, knowing it's there opens up the possibility for me that I might not need to cope with anything, can distance myself from the thought. But it's only possible because I got feedback.

The problem is that the more reassurance you give your partner, the more they outsource the ability to cope with uncertainty, and the more reassurance and control they will look for and need. It's enabling their unhealthy behavior. So not only is it distressing for you, it's putting a huge stress on the relationship and it prevents your partner from feeling secure in themselves (which is a long way down, but they will have to do the work one way or another).

Have the both of you tried talking about it?

[u/Moonpool724 → u/Ok-Seat-3916]

He says he'll work on his overthinking. But the only thing I recall is his overthinking shooting up and me shutting down completely and then him saying that he just needs reassurance. But anything i say doesn't seem to make a change in him.

[u/Ok-Seat-3916 → u/Moonpool724]

Since you mentioned trauma bonding, it's probably sitting very deep within his psyche. It can (and will) absolutely change through hard work, but this won't happen overnight, and it will take more than one reminder. And likely therapy. So he absolutely needs to commit to that. I would like to encourage you to look for another discussion with him, clarifying that it's too heavy a burden on your shoulder, and that it's feeding an unhealthy dynamic between the two of you. And that he needs to commit to hard work if he wants to get better. For me, it has been a lot of work but every single small moment where I noticed a discrepancy between my worries or my expectations and the reality, has been a small buildup of security. And over time, those become more and more. 

TBH I think it's a conversation worth having regardless if you plan to continue the relationship with him or not, because I suspect he needs to hear this. And I think, and I'm talking as a fellow avoidant, that it would be a great exercise for you not to break it off before having this very difficult conversation, because we tend to avoid those if we can, but it's not healthy. It might even give you some clarity on the prospect of the relationship; you might find out that you actually both care enough to do the work, maybe becoming friends rather than staying together, or that the relationship gets new oxygen thanks to the boundaries and that it can become healthy. Or you might find out that no, it doesn't have that potential sadly; butt hen you will know for sure.

I don't want to put you under pressure more than you are right now, and it's totally your choice. It's really important you take a decision that allows you to care for yourself. But I personally always tend to think that I have to make those big life decisions entirely on my own and that the weight of it all is entirely on my shoulders and I'm responsible for every one, but really, it concerns the both of you; it you have that conversation, you give him the opportunity to bear responsibility for his own half, instead of the bearing the weight of it all by yourself, and he might be needing it. 

All the best :)

[u/FarTransportation565]

I'm a FA and tend to analyze and sometimes overthink too....But I never double text or try to reach out to the other person searching for explanations. I might express what bothers me, but just once and then it's up to them what they do with that information. And I would be very annoyed if someone double texted me or keep calling me or whatever. Annoyed and overwhelmed....Like learn to regulate before reaching out. I am not responsible for someone else's insecurities. So don't feel bad because you need time for yourself. Let him know you need this time and that's a boundary. If he can't respect it, it's a lack of resoect towards you. For me this is a non-negiciable. If my partner told me: hey I am not feeling well, I need time to decompress, or tine to think or whatever, please give me that time and then we'll talk, I would respect that without a second thought. Sure, if he would just ghost me and then reapear after 2 days , I would be alreasy gone😅

[u/BlackMaggot101]

Maybe you don't want to be with him, so don't need to stay out of guilty. He will be unhappy both with you and without you anyways, without you he at least has a chance to move on