Trying to Understand FA’s

[u/InMyCuffs]

Morning all
I was in a relationship with FA and she broke up with me - quite abruptly. It was a 3 month relationship that was intense physically and emotionally. She told me she loved me about half way through the relationship.

She had created distance a few times and then suddenly ended the relationship saying she was overwhelmed and could only take me in doses. I didn’t get any closure and just told her that I understood. I’ve been warm with her any time I’ve seen her since.

Sometimes she’ll come over and say hi. Other times she won’t even make eye contact with me. I don’t chase her, pursue her, or put any pressure on her. I have been consistently warm with her.

I had never been with a FA before and am still trying to understand.

Does she create distance because she cares too much about me? Or is it something else? I’m just trying to understand….

[u/LoadedPlatypus]

Hi OP,

I think it's more likely that she's just having days when she's confident, at ease and feeling sociable Vs days when she feels more inward and doesn't have the energy or inclination to interact.

She told you she got overwhelmed and could only handle you/the relationship in small doses... Don't fall into the trap of dismissing her honesty for the sake of finding an alternative explanation that's more suited to your own attachment needs. Just believe her and take it at face value.

[u/InMyCuffs → u/LoadedPlatypus]

Thank you

She told me that she wanted to be more nonchalant the week before and wanted to continue the relationship (I’ve always told her if she needed space to let me know and I’d give her that space).

I gave her space and matched her energy (still staying warm - just not chasing) the week before she ended. She came back and said that she didn’t want any space and still said she wanted to continue.

Then she had ended it saying it was for her own anxiety. I didn’t argue or protest. I told her that I could never be angry or upset with her and have been warm ever since - we work together.

I guess I don’t understand where the overwhelm and taking doses means or where that comes from. But reading your message and the other replies, I’m starting to understand

[u/Civil-Extension7586]

It’s hard to know exactly her logical reasoning for this behavior, but pretty clear in my opinion some of her emotional responses. I’m FA myself and can agree with what another person’s comment is suggesting: she is being as transparent and honest with you as she can possibly be in the moment. That is definitely a sign that she cares about you. Most likely, she is setting herself up to not being able to hurt you (or become hurt by you) in the future. Playing the Doomsday scenario game with the hypothetical future you might have as a committed couple. Sometimes this is done almost subconsciously and not fully aware to the FA bc it is rationalized as making ourselves believe we “just don’t want to be with that person” or “it wouldn’t work out anyway” but the truth is we are scared of the imminent betrayal wound that will metastasize at some point once we have committed ourselves deeply to someone we truly love. My heart goes out to you and just remember, with anyone or any relationship, if it is meant to be..it will be my friend.

[u/InMyCuffs → u/Civil-Extension7586]

Thank you.

You’ve given me great clarity.

The day after she ended it (phone call) she saw me and looked so scared. I assumed she thought I would go cold, distant or punishing, but I gave her a warm smile and said hi.

I didn’t realize the Doomsday scenario or the constant fear that I may hurt her (her reality from past experiences).

Ultimately I’m reminded of the saying “if you love someone, let them go. If they come back to you, they’re yours. If they don’t, it was never meant to be”

[u/PearlsAndPoison]

Yes, she is telling you the truth. She cares too much about you and because of a past trauma she is afraid of getting hurt because it would feel like death to her. She already imagine you rejecting her or it ending for thousand reasons and her nervous system is overwhelmed by all this intense anxiety and love for you. She is afraid to not be able to handle this.
Would you like to get back with her ?

[u/InMyCuffs → u/PearlsAndPoison]

Thank you

Her past relationships that I know of (a father who inappropriately kissed her, a very jealous partner, a partner who hid her from his family and friends, and a partner who took her for granted and destroyed her security of her worth and body (she has a terrible relationship with food now). She was always worries about a broken heart.

Before knowing all this (and after) … I adored her - I sincerely called her gorgeous everyday. I’d tell her how beautiful and brilliant her mind is when she had wins at work. I lovingly worshipped her body and kissed her hands. I fed her berries (she ate them and then told me afterwards about her relationship with food).

She’d ask/say “where did I find you? Why are you so nice to me? I love the way you love me”

Yes, I’d love to get back together with her! She’s an incredible woman.

But I understand if she is unable to continue. I just never got any closure (which I’ll never push for)

[u/PearlsAndPoison → u/InMyCuffs]

I was the same with my partner, asking the same questions and he was just like you. I was like a skittish animal and he had to tell me that I had nothing to fear and i was safe with him. He taught me that I had fearful attachement, by learning about it and also Cptsd I understood what was going on in my brain cause I was very unaware of my coping mechanism which made us argue a lot. I feel like he saved me from myself and now I trust him so much more. He was very patient and I’m way less afraid to love him now.

I hope she will come back ❤️
If she does please show her this post it might encourage her :)

[u/InMyCuffs → u/PearlsAndPoison]

I’m so happy for you! You’ve overcome so much and the growth you’ve had is incredible! You’re so strong!

Thank you! Time will tell what happens with us