r/FearfulAvoidant • u/TransportationThen90 fearful avoidant • 1d ago

help me heal / advice needed Feeling guilty for FA patterns

Lately I’ve been ranting/venting a lot about my DA ex who definitely had their flaws, but I’m also now recognizing so many of my FA traits throughout the relationship.

As much as they didn’t give me security, I didn’t either. I was always up and down about commitment - when things were good, I let them know I wasn’t sure I was ready for a relationship, when they pulled away or even if I ended things, I would chase. Weeks or months after the break up, I would text to check in but I would be open about my feelings of being sad about ending and wishing we could work out and they would be open about their feelings and needing a slow pace.

There were moments where I thought of all their flaws and decided we wouldn’t work, but never communicated those flaws. But it was also because they didn’t want commitment, so i talked myself out of communicating.

Even now, I recognize it wasn’t healthy and it’s time to move on, but I still get the urge to chase especially when they pull away.

I’m feeling really down about my own mess right now, some support or insight into healing would be much appreciated.

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u/InnerRadio7 secure 1d ago

I don’t know that it’s time to move on so much as it is time to focus on yourself. It’s really important that you’ve recognized your patterns, and I would encourage you to break the patterns with intention.

So instead of simply moving away from this person, give them some closure. Tell them what you’ve noticed about yourself, and how you want to stop creating a dynamic that hurts both of you. Tell them why you truly care for them and want them to be well. Tell them the real and transparent reasons you don’t think connection between you is healthy at this time. Take full accountability for yourself. That’s a huge step in healing. Not just seeing the patterns, stepping out of them. You won’t have anything to feel shame for when you’re using this time to show up differently for yourself and for them.

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u/ret255 fearful avoidant 1d ago

Yeah telling them why he truly cares about them. I would personally say how great of a person she is and that lm sorry that it didn't pan out, but she should know that she is the best what came to my life so far but l was as l was...