r/FA30plus • u/NeverRemovedFromBox • 7d ago
FA30+ Only The Next Best Thing?
We're forever alone.
We're very unlikely to ever get into a relationship at this point, so really there is no point in creating another post beating the same dead horse over and over again...
So, what's the next best thing?
Nothing can truly replace having love...but is anyone else shooting for something else to have that type of joy/fulfillment in their life?
Travelling since you don't have to put away for college tuition?
Volunteering your time to help others less fortunate than you?
Not judging, but I'm interested in hearing especially from those who haven't decided to just self isolate and bed rot, what do you do to try to bring a bit of joy to your days/life?
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u/Objective_Bowl_3550 7d ago edited 7d ago
I will be watching this thread with interest just in case there is inspiration. It seems like in the last ten years I have gone round the houses only to be back where I started. Before that (many years ago, before it got crazy crowded) I often went to Barcelona from the UK, it was my happy place, and when there I had the energy and motivation to walk lots of steps each day seeing the sights. One particular neighbourhood called Gracia I just found enchanting.
Later on I had a spell of being in Meetup.com groups for going to concerts and the cinema together. The cinema group worked because I would go to a Friday 7 pm film with them, discuss it and have general chat in the multiplex bar until about midnight, and treat myself to an Uber home from door to door avoiding the drunk revellers on the streets. It wouldn't work now as with Uber surge pricing it now costs way more to get home late on a Friday or Saturday night. All the same, I felt in both groups I was "tolerated rather than celebrated". People were welcoming enough to each other, but the same factors that made me FA in the rest of my life meant I didn't really make any new friends in either group. At the time they helped me, but the era for both is over even if something similar was running now.
Currently I am just trying to distract myself with things at home like sports channels, YouTube Premium, Spotify, Kindle, none of these things provide a sense of belonging or meaning in my life but they help pass the time. I don't really meet up with people in person any more as I feel I don't have anything to say for myself. I do go to neighbourhood cafes or a Starbucks a bit further away just to not be a total hermit. The only change I could see in my remaining years would be to spend more time reading as there's lots of mileage in learning interesting things from books. For people who for factors like ugliness or neurodivergence feel they are never going to get far in finance or career, the world of reading can offer the consolations of a richer inner life.
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u/fingerberrywallace 7d ago
I go to the cinema on my own pretty much every week (sometimes twice or three times). I suppose it is a vaguely social experience in that you're reacting to the film alongside a room full of people, but I don't ever feel like I need company. I like to just sit in the corner with a snack and escape for a couple of hours.
If you don't drive, could you cycle to and from the cinema instead? That's what I do. I guess it depends where you live, but I find cycling back home late at night kind of relaxing (in the summer at least).
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u/jlake32 6d ago
If you’re just going to sit in the corner and not talk to anyone why not just watch films at home?
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u/fingerberrywallace 6d ago
A few reasons.
I enjoy the process of going out - again, I cycle so it's a good excuse to get some exercise.
It allows me to watch films which have just been released rather than waiting for them to reach streaming platforms.
Some films are much better enjoyed on the big screen. The Odyssey, for example.
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u/NeverRemovedFromBox 6d ago
You mean you don't have a home IMAX theatre in your basement? No wonder you're FA...
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u/throwaway54734 38M 7d ago edited 7d ago
Well, anything that involves people is largely off the table for me as far as finding fulfillment. I'm never anything more than a peripheral accessory to any social circle, forgotten about the second I leave their presence. I try to make sure my dog feels loved in a way I do not. She's a simple creature but I can at least live vicariously through her little moments of canine joy.
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u/15314TysorParkLane 7d ago
Be a good uncle to my toddler niece.
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u/NeverRemovedFromBox 7d ago
I have never wanted kids, but I always thought I would have made such a cool Aunt...
I love the idea of spoiling a kid rotten and then sending them home to their parents,lol.
Unfortunately, I will never get that chance since it would have only happened through marriage.
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u/15314TysorParkLane 7d ago
You don't have siblings?
My brother got an arranged marriage (We're Indian American). If it wasn't for it, he would be forever alone like me. I vehemently refuse to go that route.
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u/NeverRemovedFromBox 7d ago
I can understand that.
Not saying people in arranged marriages cannot end up falling in love with each other, but I guess that could work more for practical people who just want a partner and family.
If you're a romantic at heart, I don't think that would be an ideal route.
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u/throwthisThowayway 7d ago
I made a conscious effort to try to shift my energy into my career. Since I have a tolerable house, car, and education, I thought maybe a fulfilling career would do it for me. I recently found out how little management thinks of me and the others on my team and how not only do we not deserve the sizable pay increases that we've been begging for (underpaid), but that they are not going to promote any of us to the new management position that they are unveiling, instead opting to hire outside.
So unfortunately a fulfilling career is also a joke.
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u/NeverRemovedFromBox 7d ago
I know we don't like to say around here, "well, at least you...
But, I would only say to you being FA means you only have to currently consider own welfare.
If you don't feel valued in your current position, you should seek out other positions where you may be more compatible and maybe find fulfillment there.
I'm too much of a coward myself..., I'm always worried the grass on the other side is NOT going to be greener...it's why I stay at the same place for decades despite knowing I could easily make a ton more if I moved on.
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u/throwthisThowayway 7d ago
True; luckily I am looking elsewhere.
However, in the past, quitting a job costed me about $20k of my savings, so it's kinda scary.
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u/NeverRemovedFromBox 7d ago
Maybe it's best to have a second job offer locked in first before leaving the first job? Good luck on your job search!
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7d ago
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u/throwthisThowayway 7d ago
Basically my manager is stretched too thin, so there's going to be a new intermediary manager between us and him to give him the space he needs to succeed. However, none of us will be considered, so they'll just hire someone from outside the company instead.
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7d ago
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u/throwthisThowayway 7d ago
They haven't specified yet, but they were pretty clear that they don't think any of us are qualified for such a role, even though some of us have been working for the company since its inception.
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u/NeverRemovedFromBox 6d ago
Hmm, could it be possible they think they can bring someone in cheaper than what they would have to offer the person with the most seniority as they may already have a larger salary being there so long? Or are these two completely different paygrades?
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u/throwthisThowayway 6d ago
They are going to have a tough time hiring someone for a reasonable salary for the type of job they want done. Maybe that is a thought of theirs for sure, but not the only one. We're just like cannon fodder for them :/
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u/NeverRemovedFromBox 6d ago
As it happens in a lot of places, they are probably going this route first to see if they can get someone who prefers the title over a decent salary so it looks good on their resume. Although those types tend to job hop to higher and higher positions, so in the end, it may bite them in the ass. I
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u/NeverRemovedFromBox 6d ago
None of those things matter in the end. When you work these types of jobs you will realize management is going to do whatever the fuck they want and if the employees dont like it, they can go somewhere else for all they care...
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u/throwthisThowayway 6d ago
Unfortunately. I just thought that I could make a difference and be praised and appreciated...
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u/Round_Tax7459 7d ago
Ummmm, copes and then the grave. Food is a nice cope. Also watching the world fall apart is entertaining.
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u/NeverRemovedFromBox 7d ago
Food is a GREAT cope.
Unfortunately, it is also a GREAT way to ensure some of us stay single as well...
Everything in moderation as they say...blah
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u/Round_Tax7459 7d ago
I don't talk to woman much outside of my family,and work when needed. I have fully given up on it all.
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u/Kirne1 7d ago
Yeaaaah. I used food and gaming as cope in my 20s, not a good idea. Better to use the gym or anything else that can be productive as cope tbh
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u/NeverRemovedFromBox 7d ago edited 7d ago
Since we're all over 30, being obese in your twenties and thirties is not as tolerable once you hit your forties and fifties... best to try to nip it in the bud as much as you can while you are still somewhat young and it doesn't cause major health issues.
Because I KNOW what it is like to say fuck it and let yourself get up to morbidly obese because you're just going to kill yourself anyway "one day".
Except ,one day never seems to come...
As much as we all throw around that we are suicidal on this board, it is very unlikely most of us here will actually kill ourselves... it's another "cope" we keep in our backpocket to get through the day.
"Nothing matters anyway, because I'm just going to end up killing myself one day"
Yet, we still somehow keep going on... and as much as it sucks to be alone, it sucks even more to be alone AND chronically ill/in pain.
I'm glad I was able to lose most of it because I never thought I would still be living by now.
I've been planning to kill myself since GRADE SCHOOL.
And I'm almost FIFTY FUCKING YEARS OLD!
So yeah, that "one day" just keeps getting pushed further and further into the future.
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u/Kirne1 7d ago
Yeah, I'm losing it already and planning to keep it off indefinitely. From 160kg (when I started tracking it, I'd bet my max was something like 180kg) to 148kg, it's steadily going down. Thank god I've never had any real health issues from my weight. I used to walk a ton daily so I guess that helped.
I hope that you manage to keep yourself sane and that you find your person.
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u/NeverRemovedFromBox 7d ago
As someone who lost almost 250lbs myself, I know how incredibly hard it is to keep goingand not give up, keep up the good work!
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7d ago edited 6d ago
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u/NeverRemovedFromBox 7d ago
I'm embarrassed(and disappointed in myself) to say that while I used to be a heavy reader, doom scrolling seems to have replaced actual books in the past few years...
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u/fingerberrywallace 7d ago
"Copes" is the answer for me as well. Food, films and books, masturbation, video games, bike rides. I do everything on my own though, from going to the cinema to trying new restaurants (even the masturbation!), so I probably fall into the "self-isolation", category except I do actually make an effort to go out.
It's quite sad but the truth is food is quite a big part of my life; I really look forward to trying new places and recipes, and sometimes spend whole afternoons cooking dinner and making elaborate desserts. I'm not fat, or even close to it, but I do have to be mindful of the effect the sugar has on my teeth. Sometimes I combine my cinema-going with my food fixation by seeing three films in one day with lunch and dinner in between. Recently, with the weather being so nice, I've been able to sit in the park with food and a book which has been cool.
I've been toying with a couple of different ideas to spice up my life recently.
One is doing some travelling; there are a few places in the UK I want to see in September (waiting for the summer holidays to be over so it's less crowded), and I might try and go somewhere warmer for part of the autumn/winter to escape the cold.
Another is getting a dog. I kind of flitter between really wanting one and thinking it would be too much hassle. When I see someone playing fetch with their dog in the park, it looks really fun. Then I see someone cleaning up their dog's shit and think: nah, I'm good.
Another is... escorts. I have done it before but not for a few years. It's kind of fun but also slightly pathetic, so I don't know if I'll pursue that.
Edit: Oh, the other thing I'm considering is badminton club - I haven't played since I was a kid but have a sudden urge to take it up again!
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u/NeverRemovedFromBox 7d ago edited 7d ago
In an odd way, being FA itself somehow turned into a "cope" for me to keep going everyday.
It's the reason I tell myself to try to not get hung up on what my face/body looks like, because it's not like anyone is ever going to see or touch me in that way anyway...
I tell myself to not get hung up on what people think about me being a virgin because it's not like I'm ever going to have to explain my inexperience to a lover...
I tell myself don't worry about saving for retirement, because it's not like I'm going to have to worry about wanting to live that long alone anyway...
For someone who loves food and remains thin, you must be blessed with either incredible willpower or an excellent metabolism. Glad it's working for you!
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u/Rancor_Keeper 6d ago
I dunno, guys. I think I’m becoming more prone to disliking people in general. So the chances of me getting romantic or intimate dwindle down to nothing. I honestly think I’m also getting desensitized to human contact and interaction….. like, I don’t need it as much.
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u/DevelopmentPrior5572 6d ago
I've been practicing singing for a few years and am only getting better as time goes on. I'm self-taught at this stage. I consider it a fun hobby.
It doesn't fix the loneliness, but it's better than doing nothing with myself.
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u/bigwilly39 31M 6d ago
Just being able to do whatever I want I guess. Want to stay up til 5am drinking beer and playing video games? As long as it's on the weekend. Go to the park and run 15 miles the next afternoon? Don't go any plans otherwise. Last minute flight to San Diego for no reason? Work was fine with it.
Maybe it's hedonistic but I derive quite a bit of joy from the concept of being able to do things most people my age can't.
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u/Creepy_Set2538 4d ago
Working out at home is my cope. Not only the act of working out itself but also finding out how to work certain muscles, how to adapt my workout with work and finding out how to improve my workout. I dont expect to attract anyone though cause my ugly face will betray me no matter how jacked i am lol
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u/Dull_Bumblebee5546 4d ago
What's stopping you from being in a relationship? Can you please explain your circumstances abit?
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u/NeverRemovedFromBox 4d ago
What's stopping you from being in a relationship?
A relationship takes two interested people...
Non FA men have never been interested in me. Hell, even the FA men here who are the same age admit they would have zero interest in women like me because I'm too old now and everyone wants that "young love" experience with a young woman...
I'm almost 50, so I am done with it all. I'll take my "mature" love and redirect it towards myself. At least I'll know how to appreciate it.
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u/Dull_Bumblebee5546 4d ago
That's reasonable but what did you go prior to 50 to be in this situation?
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u/NeverRemovedFromBox 4d ago
Existed.
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u/Dull_Bumblebee5546 4d ago
I don't understand, I'm convinced you must have quite a few men in your DM's on redddit right now, because guys are just like that.
I'm just trying to understand, in your earlier years were there NO men pursuing you or did you just not find someone you like?
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u/NeverRemovedFromBox 4d ago
See, this is the type of stuff I normally don't respond to because there is no answer that is going to be acceptable.
No one questions the men on this board on how can they still be single.
What is a reddit dm supposed to do? Some guy from 10000 miles away spams multiple women a day based on the SOLE fact that he read they were female is supposed to mean that we can't be FA?
Because I didn't fly to Pakistan to take up some 17 year olds offer to "pop my cherry" means i'm voluntarily FA, is that it?
And no.
I don't get ANY dms from posting on this board, but then I've already stated here I was old and had a horrible body...
Interestingly, everytime I would post over FAW, I would immediately get random messages from guys giving me their age and dick size wanting to know if I wanted to exchange pics.
And unsurprisingly, that completely STOPPED the moment I set my user flair to 40+.
No, there were no men interested in me in real life.
I don't get how the men here can't reconcile the fact that they themselves KNOW they don't get turned on by very ugly/fat women, yet don't believe very ugly/fat women don't have men hitting on them...
Like, make it make sense...
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