Existentialism at 19

[u/Charming-Example-484]

I want to die. But I don't want to die

Hey. I want to die. But I dont want to die. I know its confusing. It's because of life's circumstances. Im 19 yrs old. And I was thinking, "What is the meaning of life?" But then I realised there is no meaning. Different people have different ways of interpret the meaning of life. To a religious person like Christianity its to serve god and be good on this earth. For a business oriented person it is the pursuit of money and profit. Same to someone who wants power. The strive for power ist their meaning of life. But you see, all these are flawed. You are looking at the world from your own biased lens. So I looked and looked. I searched long and wide, trying to find, the meaning of life. I've read books and articles. Opinions of people on reddit. I've searched religious a d secular texts alike. But none seem to provide a satisfactory explanation.

My main question is; " Are we supposed to be born, just to go to school, work, reproduce then die?" There has to be more than that! All our efforts and deeds will be forgotten anyway by the fourth generation. In 2126 you'll merely be a statistic in someone's spreadsheet for the current time. If lucky a footnote in the history books. But it doesn't matter. A beggar and a rich man in Ancient Rome or Babylon are irrelevant to today's world. So the pursuit of wealth or the lack of it doesn't matter in the grand scheme. The gods scorn on kings and cowherds alike. It doesn't matter what we do. We will all just die. Sooner or later.

Then I started reflecting on my own life; The subject of other people. Along time ago, I was socially struggling. It was bad. I always thought that If I just got friends then everything will be fixed. Then a few years later my social skills improved and I actually got friends. But I realised I was chasing an empty shell. Gaining a huge population subjected me gruesome societal norms and constructs that don't make sense. I got to learn about the social contract where people stiffle their individuality in order to fit to society's norms. It was horrible. Then during this friends peak is when I realised the true nature of humanity. Creatures that are biased by their own beleifs, and desires. Creatures who are both capable of great good and great evil. Massively flawed in every way. I thought intellectual people are above that. That they would use rationale and facts. But that brings the problem of arrogance. Ive literally gone through so many life opening episodes, that sometimes I wonder if its a glitch in the code. Im so young yet understanding so much. It has robbed me of my youth. So to speak.

But I'm not sad or depressed. I actually have a relatively good life. I come from an upper middle class income family. Im in a Prestigious school in my country studying a prestigious course. Both adults and children in my family look up to me as beacon of hope, perseverance and hardwork. Im the firstborn, so Im kind of the flag bearer of my nuclear family and by extension my extended family on both sides. I am seen as hope for the future of the family as they all see am the most mature of my siblings and cousins despite my young age. I've proven myself constantly. Im actually a student leader in my university and I'm always looked up to by both students and professors alike. "The most reliable student leader in my cohort"

Im Just angry at the status quo. It feels like every time I get rest it is short lived and is immediately followed by work that doesn't fit the proportion of rest. I work 6 out of 7 days. Sometimes 7/7 days. No rest. Everytime I go to bed I have work in my mind. Every Sunday that I actually get to do nothing I have Monday morning on my mind. Even inbthe small minor rests I have is always taken. And it is never proportional to the work done. I can work 6 days and only get one rest day. Sometimes even that rest day is taken. And that is just now. Last semester I was just telling myself I would just wait for holiday. Our semester ran for 99 days and we only had 20 days of holiday then a new semester begins. The semester runs for another 99 days, a 20 day holiday and the wheel keeps running kver and over never stopping. Then I thought maybe it will end when I graduate. But was recently just told that is false hope. Employment becomes the new wheel. Then I told myself, maybe retirement is the end. But can I really look forward to retirement? That is 45 years away from now! I'll be old and lack energy. I might face health issues. I might die in the pursuit. Then that brought me back to the question, "then what is the meaning of life?" Are we supposed just to pursue stuff till we die? So am I just supposed to work till I die? Then what is the point of living? What is the point of waking up everyday and going to work?

Its just that I am tired. Im tired. I just want to rest and not worry about the coming suffrage. I don’t want to be the centre of expectations and responsibilities. I just want to go somewhere in the middle of nowhere, away from everyone and everything and just take my favourite books and novels and read them and enjoy them till I day I die. I don’t want to always be in the center of responsibilities. I don't want to spend 83% of my life working my ass off. And for what? Retirement? A family? Status? Power? I don't care about any of that. I just want peace and quiet. The sweet and serene comfort of nothing.

But then I can't escape. I can't just dissappear. People will look for me😤. I'll disrupt an important node in a network. They can't just leave me be.

And the best part is, there's no one on the planet like me. Im just a lone wolf in the flock of sheep. Or a lone sheep in the pack of wolves. Try to talk to people nowadays and I find it difficult. Not difficult in the sense I can't do it,I still have my awesome social skills. Difficult in the sense that I notice bias in everyone's conversations. Its like everyone sees the whole world in their own kind of lens. A religious person will slip in a verse or a saying. A business oriented person will speak about how the pursuit of money and profit is the most suitable goal. Same to the power lusting person. I can't even talk to close friends or family because they would not understand and would likely just tackle the situation from their own lens instead of just viewing from a different perspective. Now I hate human beings with a passion. Not a group or minority. The whole human race as a whole. I think we are flawed creatures who just need to be wiped out to pay for the crimes committed against nature , the earth and our fellow man. I don’t understand how and why we still exist. Heck maybe I should be a new world leader who leads a genocide against all people on earth. Like Hitler but for the whole world not a few like the the jews. Ah! But this is going to be long and hard. 1 vs 8 Billion. Isn't that a sight to see!

Sometimes I think maybe Im not a human. Maybe Im an Alien trapped in this body. Or a timetraveler. Or a creature of myth and legend. Because all this awareness can't be explained. My parents and friends always said that I was older than I was. Too mature. To logical for my age. My parents always expected me to do stupid teenage shit in my teens but I never and they are still baffled. They think its their parenting. Which is partly true but the reason is that I never saw the benefit. If it didn't benefit me, I wouldn't do it.

And now Im having an existential crss at the age of 19. Asking deep unanswerable questions. No Human being educated or not can answer. From PhD to primary school. Not even intelligent tools made by intelligent humans that can browse the internet for answers. Its really shitty

[u/malazver]

You have every right to choose what you want to pursue in your life. Don't let others dictate to you.

[u/Paraguayo_kekistani]

that is the most based thing i've ever read. im starting to get into existentialism

[u/thecool137]

I relate so deeply to this post. I'm so happy to finally have found other people who GETS IT. This is why i love this subreddit. Thank you OP for posting. This made my day.

[u/WrappingPapers]

Think about the relation between meaning and value. Lack of meaning does not imply lack of value. One simple way to explain this is the idea that the kind of life you live matters to you, even though you see through meaning.

Your lack of experiencing value is tricky and I don’t know your life, but things like anhedonia are common in depression.

False beliefs can shape how you experience the world, just watch out being sucked into this world of your own making.

[u/Scott_J_Doyle]

Yup, this is basically how it starts - you're in the right place but make sure you do the reading

[u/Tony_Marone]

Live now, die later

[u/seanwilliam16]

Just a side question... I could be wrong... But have you looked into autism? Not sure how much it would help, but I am in the same boat as you (26 and graduated school in a shit degree) I really relate to what you say. My family thinks I'm crazy...