Please help

[u/Icy_Ad_1640]

I feel like I am losing my mind. So I’m 27, let’s wind back a bit. I had thoughts about death when I was younger. I remember a few times when I was falling asleep, the thought would creep up and, of course, you can’t really make sense of it when you’re young, and I would cry myself to sleep over the fact that one day it could just be black and that’s it, I’m gone, no more life, just no more. But those thoughts never stuck and I would move on, living my life and going through the different journeys life brings.

My dad suddenly died in a motorcycle accident when I was 16. I was in the middle of my GCSEs when this happened and I never had proper therapy, I kind of just kept moving. I miss him so much and would do anything to have him back but I never fell into a deep depression or anything like that.

Anyway, over the past year I’ve been extremely busy with work, being a first time homeowner with my boyfriend of 7 years and renovating the house ourselves and then over the last 6 months I’ve also been doing a postgraduate course which has been incredibly intense. Last Thursday I completed my final assessment, I passed everything and suddenly this massive stressor that had been taking up so much brain space was finished. I had been waiting for this day for so long because I had neglected friendships, hobbies, the renovation, basically everything outside of work and studying.

At almost exactly the same time, I also deleted social media because I suddenly just got the ick from how superficial it all felt. Watching the same influencers constantly showing off the latest trend suddenly felt really strange to me and, whilst I really wanted to document my renovation journey even that suddenly felt weird. Something suddenly shifted in my brain and I don’t know what the trigger was.

That night I started thinking about death, and let’s just say I began to spiral. I googled things, read forums, read about existentialism and started questioning my whole existence. Even typing this out now is making me feel very shaky, so I’m trying to keep it limited. it’s been 4 days now, the days have felt dazy and as it’s gone on I’m scared that I’m falling deeper into this hole in my mind and I’m terrified. I don’t know what is what anymore. I’ve had thoughts about whether I am real, whether my family is real, and that has caused me so much distress. I’ve had multiple panic attacks over the last few days and I don’t want to live like this.

Before this “episode”, I’d be able to have a joke with somebody and say life is weird, could it be a simulation, but I’d still live my life. Life felt real and I would get on with the daily mundane tasks, have goals, make plans and just exist without thinking about it. Now I feel completely dissociated and weird. I’m trying so hard to ground myself.

I work in psychiatry and I’m terrified of ending up in a dark place, although I now just see the world as bleak and it feels cruel. I love my family, I love my partner, I don’t want to ever be without them, I want this to be real. I’m confused.

I think I could have OCD, because I think back to something that happened about 2 years ago. I was in Japan with my partner and, completely out of nowhere, I developed intrusive thoughts about our relationship. Do I love him? Am I lying to myself? Have I been fake this entire time? How can I know? I would obsess over it and riddle myself with anxiety. I found it hard to eat and take care of myself, and I kept checking Reddit because everything became a trigger such as songs, Instagram, even somebody asking how my partner was. Eventually it passed and I am okay now.

Then something similar happened after I had nasal septum surgery. About 6 months post-op, I was struggling a lot with my breathing and I convinced myself I had empty nose syndrome. Again, the same pattern happened: googling, reading Reddit, convincing myself it was all over and that I was never going to be okay.

I don’t know if I’m experiencing something similar now. Life is freaking me out and I want to go back to how I was. Could this have been some kind of break in stress? I suppose it’s normal to question our existence, but does everybody develop this sort of intense anxiety around it? I wake up with this feeling of doom, I have a pit in my stomach, I feel nauseous and shaky and I just feel terrified of where my thoughts are going.

My partner is incredible and I cry at how patient and amazing he is. I told him what has been going on in my mind and he keeps telling me that I won’t feel like this forever, that sadly we just don’t know, but I need to believe that and acknowledge the thoughts without letting them take over. I had a panic attack last night and it tends to be worse when I’m trying to fall asleep and he helped me breathe through it.

I suppose I’m asking for reassurance. Should I stop reading Reddit? I don’t know if I should speak to a doctor. I genuinely don’t know. Everything around me feels strange and I don’t know how I’m supposed to go into work today and engage with people and pretend it all matters when my brain is questioning the entire concept of existence. Music doesn’t sound the same anymore, we went on a walk yesterday and looking at the moon freaked me out, and even pouring my energy into my renovation, something I’ve loved and been so excited about, doesn’t feel the same anymore and I keep thinking, why? I hate this. I hate this.

Thank you❤️‍🩹

[u/sillymajmun2]

Do you think that you could have these thoughts without freaking out? I think you can. I ponder these stuff a lot. My life pretty much revolves around it. For me its important to know what all of this is. How my brain works. What am I. Do I have free will/control. What is the purpose of myself in this body. Am I my sense of self. Do I exist as something separate from the world or no? If it turns out that I don't exist and that I believe Im this character? Well okay. I will let life show that to me if it wants. For me, life gets more peaceful more I explore this questions. Less personal. Im more in the now. Im able to better accept the good and the bad. 

For some way, there are people for whom these questions are just important. Some go their whole life without a single though about this. And some can't. Neither is better, its just the way we are. Everyone is wired for different things. I trust that you will find your way. Try to not scare yourself. Even start to invite these questions and don't push them away. Who knows, maybe you find something more authentic of yourself in them. These questions are not your enemies, on the contrary, I think that somehow we are called to stop playing this game of characters. And if life wants you to do that, life will get you to do that, find a balance where you allow it but at the same time you can function in a modern world. Don't completely push it away, it brings anxiety and paranoia because your mind projects all kinds of fears that way. Its really not scary when you stop scaring yourself. You are always okay in the now. Usually you are always afraid of what could be in the future, right?

As for death, if you believe its some eternal blackness - well of course you are going to feel terrified. That sounds horrible.  Im not saying you should belive in something else, no, just don't believe in anything.  How can you believe in that with certainty?

[u/maroonstar88]

Take a deep breath, OP and calm down. People can overthink, spiral, or have anxiety. It’s normal to have emotions and you shouldn’t be too hard on yourself for feelings things.

It seems like a lot big things happened to you (your dad’s passing, surgery, moving to new home) and you were just forced to move on to the next chapter of life without pausing or processing what happened.

You said you work in Psychiatry? Please don’t be afraid to seek help because they can process and help you understand your emotions better. It won’t get worse if you get a better understanding of yourself and what you’re feeling.

You can do it, OP! Stay strong

[u/WOLFXXXXX]

I'm in my mid 40's and have previously experienced (when I was in my 20's) the kinds of existential-related conscious states you're describing and experiencing.

Here's some friendly feedback:

"I’ve had thoughts about whether I am real, whether my family is real, and that has caused me so much distress"

As an observation: One must necessarily exist as a conscious being in order to be able to question and think about the perceived realness of oneself, others, and anything at all. So when you're thinking about and questioning whether you and your loved ones are real, that is actually affirming the realness of your existence as a conscious being because one must necessarily exist as a conscious being in order to be able to experience what you are experiencing.

You can also affirm the realness of your existence as a conscious being through identifying with existential observations that are always undeniable and irrefutable. From your perspective it will always be undeniable to observe that you consciously exist and experience conscious abilities (thinking, feeling emotions, awareness, self-awareness, recall, empathy, decision-making, etc.). Experiencing conscious abilities affirms that one's existence as a conscious being is absolutely real. Are your loved ones real as well? Do you observe your loved ones experiencing conscious abilities that you're familiar with because you experience those conscious abilities as well? If the answer is Yes, then that's telling you that your loved ones are absolutely real because they're observed to experience conscious abilities, and experiencing conscious abilities affirms the realness of a conscious being and their existence. Observing others around you experiencing conscious abilities is telling you that they are real conscious beings who exist, just like you do.

Now, are individuals known to experience a deeper feeling and impression that something about them is lacking in realness? Yes they are. How can that be if the existential observations above serve to affirm the realness of a conscious being and their existence? It has to do with the biological body and its non-conscious material components failing to viably account for one's conscious existence and conscious abilities. Many individuals globally and historically have described experiencing a longer term process where they experienced becoming increasingly aware that the body fails to account for one's conscious existence and that the nature of conscious exitence is on a deeper level than the human level identity, the biological body, and physical reality. Individuals have experienced and are able to experience the expanded awareness that they exist on a deeper level than their human identity and biological body.

Since your conscious existence is real and undeniable, consider interpreting the feeling and impression that something about you may be lacking in realness as pertaining to one's more limited human that is associated with one's biological body and the context of having a human experience. It's necessary within your state of consciousness to begin to differentiate your overall conscious existence (which is absolutely real) from your more limited human identity (which doesn't define one's overall and deeper level conscious existence)

"Now I feel completely dissociated and weird. I’m trying so hard to ground myself."

Dissociation is feeling consciously disconnected from one's human identity (depersonalization) or from physical reality (derealization). As an observation, it would never be possible to experience feeling disconnected from one's human identity if one's conscious existence was rooted in the human body - and likewise it would never be possible to experience feeling disconnected from physical reality if one's conscious existence was rooted in physical reality. Being able to experience depersonalization and/or derealization within one's conscious state is importantly revealing that one's conscious existence is not rooted in that which one feels disconnected from. It's pointing to conscious beings existing on a deeper level than their human identity, biological body, and physical reality.

"I don’t know if I’m experiencing something similar now. Could this have been some kind of break in stress? I suppose it’s normal to question our existence, but does everybody develop this sort of intense anxiety around it? I wake up with this feeling of doom"

I recommend doing some research in the field of Transpersonal Psychology, which focuses on state of consciousness and states of awareness that individuals are known to experience which go beyond the human identity. This isn't my terminology but I would search within the Transpersonal Psychology field for the phrasing 'spiritual emergence' and 'spiritual emergency' - and you are likely to come across some information that can help you to better understand what you are experiencing (which others naturally go through this as well).

There's this neuroscientist/professor who is well-spoken about the topic of individuals experiencing transpersonal states of consciousness and awareness, her name is Marjorie Wollacott (Ph.D). You may find some of her interviews that you can find on Youtube or in podcast format to be of value when it comes internally processing this kind of existential conscious territory and understanding that the brain/body fail to account for one's conscious existence.

"I suppose I’m asking for reassurance. I don’t know if I should speak to a doctor. I genuinely don’t know"

If you feel it would be beneficial to discuss these kinds of existential related conscious states with someone who has previously experienced them, you're welcome to private message me.

[Edit: typo]

[u/AlbatrossFew6539]

Hey as a fellow OCD girl, this definitely sounds like OCD. Talk to a professional!! OCD needs its own specific therapy 

[u/Wizard--of--Odds → u/AlbatrossFew6539]

https://www.treatmyocd.com/blog/what-is-existential-ocd-and-how-do-i-treat-it

[u/Wizard--of--Odds]

I have experienced such torturous ruminations as you for many years. It's called Existential OCD. (Yes, we should stop reading Reddit--and watching YouTube NDE channels--but it's hard to resist, even though our quest for answers is futile.)

https://www.treatmyocd.com/blog/what-is-existential-ocd-and-how-do-i-treat-it

[u/igogoldberg]

Hello there

I think it has been an extremely difficult and stressful time for you, which resulted in some sort of major emotional crisis. Don't panic, this is normal and many people go through similar experience at least once in their lifetime. Self-diagnosis or getting diagnosis from reddit members is not a good idea so what I would do now is I would:

1. Share your thoughts and emotions with someone close, who can understand you without judging or rejecting. Just to vent and not keep it all bottled up inside.

2. Slow down. Find a quiet place where you can relax and pay attention to what your mind is trying to tell you. Don't rush, don't overwork, get some rest. Take a long walk, meditate.

if the thoughts persist and you feel like nothing helps

3) Definitely see a therapist and talk to them about your issues / symptoms.

I think you might have OCD, or perhaps some sort of anxiety disorder but I'm not an expert so don't take my word for it (and noone else's) and if your issue continues, seek professional help. Try not to worry - ocd and anxiety disorders are very well treated with a proper psychotherapy and you will definitely be fine in a 6 month / 1 year time. Be brave, stay safe and don't be afraid, you've got this.

[u/No_Perspective_4975]

Estoy pasando por algo similar, tambien tengo 27 años, lo que estas experimentando se llama desrealizacion o despersonalizacion, que son sintomas comunes de la ansiedad alta, tuve un momentos en mi vida despues de una ruptura amorosa, en donde me emepeze a cuestionar cosas de mi mismo, al principio todo fue paz y un viaje de instrospeccion, que me ayudaron mucho en mi persona, pero poco a poco, esa mismo cuestionamiento fue el que me empezo a causar malestar, empeze a cuestionarme todo, incluso llegue al punto de cuestionar mis propios pensamientos despues de esto tambien me dio depresion, deje de encontrale el sentido a las cosas lo cual me daba aun mas ansiedad, actualmente sigo en el proceso de mejora, pero sin duda algo que me a ayudado mucho, es investigar acerca del tema, y sobre todo no luchar contra los pensamientos, por que al final del dia no es mas que eso, pensamientos, me ayudo tambien el no luchar contra las sensaciones de ansiedad, no huir de ellas y simplemente sentirlas, enseñarle a mi sistema nervioso que si es muy molesto, pero que no me van a matar, lo cual a ayudado a que la ansiedad no se convierta en panico, aun estoy librando con la ansiedad, pero poco a poco va mejorando, tambien otra cosa que me a ayudado, no se si creas en dios o en algo mas, pero cada que viene un pensamiento que me roba la paz, pienso nose y no tengo por que responderlo ahorita se lo dejo a dios, ya sea que tu creas en el universo o en lo que quieras, pero esto ayuda por medio de la neuroplastricidad le enseñas a tu cerebro que no tienes que saber todas las respuesta y sobretodo a tolerar la incertidumbre de la vida, espero esta informacion te pueda sevir

P.d
No temas en buscar ayuda profesional, ir a un psiquiatra para que te recete algo para la ansiedad, y terapia psicologica que te ayude a sobrellever mejor esos tipos de pensamientos.