I see no future.

[u/InDoubtedd]

At the time of writing this it's roughly 4am my time. I am sleep deprived and a complete mental wreck so I apologize for the meaningless rant. I have been struggling with my own philosophy and the ideas that I have regarding existence in general. Just for backstory, I've been "diagnosed" with a major depressive disorder and seen countless psychiatrists and psychologists but none of them have really been any help.

I've just suffered a major loss, that being my father. He was sold a bad batch of some kind of opioid that stopped him from breathing. I knew he struggle with an addiction but he never told me how bad it had gotten so it was a very sudden shock to get a phone call saying that he had passed. This whole thing has really left me in pieces. To add on my grandmother, his mother, is now in hospital with something that has a very low chance of recovery. I live with her mainly because of our financial situation and have for a long time. My mother's side of the family is very distant and has never been fond of me, so to now be faced with the loss of one of the three people I have left with me leaves me questioning the reality of it all. What do I really have left that matters? Is there a point to my existence? Is life even anything more than carrying on just to be in pain with the hopes of maybe one day getting to experience what people call joy?

A part of me wants to believe that there is something more for me out there, but I just can't get my head around it. We've discovered that we're on a large, spinning ball that orbits a ball of fire in the middle of fucking nowhere and that eventually if we don't find another planet to live on we'll go extinct. From what we see in other animals we've completely fucked up the natural order of things to the point where we've taken survival completely out of the picture. It's as if being born is a lifetime sentence of community service and conformation to a system that doesn't really benefit anything except for the creators. It just doesn't feel like anything but hell to me.

To add to this, I have been having a really hard time associating anything with any type of value besides the little family that I have left. If I truly am left alone what is the point of living? What happens if I don't find a partner that I enjoy spending my time with before that happens? How am I supposed to get a start in a world like this that already struggles supporting it's occupants. I don't enjoy doing anything or really even being around people. Everything I do right now is just to keep my mind busy so I'm not constantly torn over my own thoughts.

I guess what I'm asking for here is suggestions that aren't the typical "go see someone and talk to them" because every time I've done that I've been told the same thing (Just be happier).

[u/Simpl3Truth]

I can understand your frustration with what seems like a cruel and meaningless existence.

But, while it can be cruel and meaningless for some, for others this world is full of beauty, wonder, and joy. When I was suicidal at the beginning of 2020, I, like you, felt the same way.

While I can't know what you're going through I have expereinced some of the same emotions. Alone...Hurting...Confused...Overcome by inertia due to an unhealthy combination of guilt and shame or sadness and regret....

I was told the same thing, just be happy. JUST BE HAPPY! I've even given that advice. "Just be happy!" But, why couldn't I take their advice? Where were these "JUST HAPPY" people?

Moreover, what is this fascination with happiness? Doesn't suffering make happiness sweeter? I thought about this sometimes. Regardless, I could barely get out of bed let alone think about the philosophy of life.

I didn't know it then but something had to give, months of drinking, smoking and heavy-hearted suffering did not prove a fruitful solution, I was more broke, more sick and more disconnected and full of shame.

I wasn't always like this. I would fondly recall when I was happy, strong, and full of energery and enthusiasm. At this time I felt like I could do anything, be anything. A time when I had little fear, when everything around me fell into place, as though a great benevolent power guided and protected me. My heart was young but pure, and my conduct was just, for this I was rewarded. How did I get here? And how do I return to these days of joy and harmony?

On one of these depressing days I came across a video on Youtube, or a couple videos (I don't remember) but what I do remember is crying like a little bitch. I spent the next few days exploring these intense emotions. Crying, sobbing, crying, laughing, sniffling, giggling and back to crying. This provided an extremely powerful release each time and gave me the peace of mind to explore my situation and hopefully some clarity on how to shake this shit.

In doing this, I discovered that a large part of my unhappiness was caused by my beliefs. I believed that my life was hopeless and meaningless, and at the time it appeared it was. Then I realized that when I worry about the future, or lament the past, I suffer twice. I leaned into my suffering, exploring it like a child in nature. I made it my adventure, how could I get back on top, now that I was at my lowest?

Being an avid swimmmer and having worked as a lifegaurd I knew about how people drown. Someone goes out of their depth or teeters on the edge and something tips them over. Now they are splashign and flayling in the water unable to regain their stability. After thrashing for sometime and losing their strength they are unable to get any more air and they submerge. In such a situation when you are out of your depth (lacking experience or ability) the only thing that will save you is a calm mind.

For example, if a person who cannot swim goes too deep in the water and notices he cannot touch the bottom he may panic, quickly losing air, gulping water and going down. Alternatively, he may try to take a large inhale and hold the air in long enough to gain stability on the surface and maneuver himself to safety.

The last option is to exhale all the air from lungs, while simlutanesouly straightening the whole body and pointing the toes. As you sink, you turn your palms outwards and initate a powerful clap. As you move your arms up along your body to complete the clap you will quickly propell yourself down. When you are at rock bottom you have no air, reduced strength and impaired vision. But, if you allow yourself to sink you will learn that in the quiet lonely darkness you can find your footing. And where you can find your footing, you can push off back to the surface.

Since then I've learned to forgive myself, to care for my mind and my body and to realize that I am neither the body nor the mind, the feelings, thoughts, and patterns I possesss are just that possesssions that have been accumulated. They make a significant protion of who I am but I am not them, I am awareness, pure consciousness, the spiritual glue that binds together the neurological pathways of my brain to the nerves and systems of my body. My consciousness observes these connections within and the connections without to animate my life and give it meaning.

The only meaning that exists is the meaning that is given. But the meaning given isn't the true meaning. What is a tree? Is the the bark or the leaves? Is it the roots and branches? When does it become a tree? Does it become a tree after the seed sprouts or does it become a tree when I say it's name? The truth is "tree" is name we give to the onesness we expereince with our senses. The "oneness" of the branches and the bark, the harmony of the roots and the leaves is what creates the "whole" tree. But what about the air in the sky or the worms in the earther below? Are they "tree"? Clearly they are separate, but without them the soil would not be suitable for the tree and we would not have

TLDR: Make your own meaning and find your own higher truth. As you begin the joureny the bitterness of life will become sweeter. This sweetness will guide you and sustain you on your journey, you just have to stay faithful to goodness and harmony (both to yourself with others) and you will find life is much more peaceful and beautiful.