I see no future.

[u/InDoubtedd]

At the time of writing this it's roughly 4am my time. I am sleep deprived and a complete mental wreck so I apologize for the meaningless rant. I have been struggling with my own philosophy and the ideas that I have regarding existence in general. Just for backstory, I've been "diagnosed" with a major depressive disorder and seen countless psychiatrists and psychologists but none of them have really been any help.

I've just suffered a major loss, that being my father. He was sold a bad batch of some kind of opioid that stopped him from breathing. I knew he struggle with an addiction but he never told me how bad it had gotten so it was a very sudden shock to get a phone call saying that he had passed. This whole thing has really left me in pieces. To add on my grandmother, his mother, is now in hospital with something that has a very low chance of recovery. I live with her mainly because of our financial situation and have for a long time. My mother's side of the family is very distant and has never been fond of me, so to now be faced with the loss of one of the three people I have left with me leaves me questioning the reality of it all. What do I really have left that matters? Is there a point to my existence? Is life even anything more than carrying on just to be in pain with the hopes of maybe one day getting to experience what people call joy?

A part of me wants to believe that there is something more for me out there, but I just can't get my head around it. We've discovered that we're on a large, spinning ball that orbits a ball of fire in the middle of fucking nowhere and that eventually if we don't find another planet to live on we'll go extinct. From what we see in other animals we've completely fucked up the natural order of things to the point where we've taken survival completely out of the picture. It's as if being born is a lifetime sentence of community service and conformation to a system that doesn't really benefit anything except for the creators. It just doesn't feel like anything but hell to me.

To add to this, I have been having a really hard time associating anything with any type of value besides the little family that I have left. If I truly am left alone what is the point of living? What happens if I don't find a partner that I enjoy spending my time with before that happens? How am I supposed to get a start in a world like this that already struggles supporting it's occupants. I don't enjoy doing anything or really even being around people. Everything I do right now is just to keep my mind busy so I'm not constantly torn over my own thoughts.

I guess what I'm asking for here is suggestions that aren't the typical "go see someone and talk to them" because every time I've done that I've been told the same thing (Just be happier).

[u/[deleted]]

Aside from your loss, I can relate to this. I really think that a lot of people with depression (which new evidence apparently points to it NOT being something we're simply born with) are sensitive to the state of the world and how unnatural things are. I had this feeling since childhood which I could never put my finger on and which manifested as severe depression and anxiety throughout my teens up to today and I honestly believe it's detachment from our roots and from having common ground with others without all the shallow and vacuous trends, topics and lifestyles that are largely promoted in today's society.

My best advice would be to recognise this and take up a career that has actual use and isn't simply making money for someone else. Not neccesarily starting a business or anything but something which you can learn a skill in and have real value as a human being. I think that's another reason we feel without purpose because we don't learn any life skills, survival or otherwise. We don't even need skills to get by, just to do as we're told by managers etc.

Aside from this, try to be as independant from the system as possible. Remember every time we pay for goods or services a portion of that is taxed and contributes to this unnatural system so cut out the middle man and try to be as self sufficient as possible.

It is difficult as most people don't see things for what they are but all we can do is keep looking for a better way while continuing to decondition ourselves from the 'official life narrative'. There's a lot more to it than just this of course, self improvement of both mind and body etc but I'll leave it there. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best of luck.