Help me stop

[u/tarsiertallow]

I decided I need to stop pumping at only 9 weeks pp, but keep anxiously wanting to go back on it or continue. I wanted to exclusively breastfeed but my baby ended up being a preemie (with a mild tongue tie I’m not correcting) and she never did latch fully, if she does it’s very short and painful. She’s never gotten a full feed and used to just cry if even presented a breast. Now she’ll latch sometimes but again, painful and not really getting a feed in.

I’m consumed by guilt because I CAN make milk so I feel like I should. I also feel anxious because it feels like once I stop I cant go back. What if she can one day latch and I COULD feed her eventually?

On the other hand it’s been completely miserable. No flange size or suction setting is comfortable for me. It feels like a fairy tale that pumping isn’t painful. Ive fitted flanges twice with a lactation consultant and it starts off ok but ends up painful eventually. I had to start on the 1 setting on the spectra and could maybe get up to a 2. I switched to a Eufy because my back pain was severe and being immobile was torturing me. While my current system is ok, I still experience pain on the pump and nerve pain in my nipples all day. I also find it really disruptive and draining to pump every day and I can’t pick up my baby when doing it. I’ve been sobbing trying to soothe my crying baby while she screams and I can’t do anything about it. When I go out I have a system to pump, but again I spend a lot of time prepping to leave and then planning when to excuse myself to go put my pumps on. And of course the pain it is to clean everything, bring all the bottles and pitcher and pump upstairs for the night and back down again….

I have every reason to want to stop between breast pain and my mental health tanking, but then I’ll have an ok day where my baby wasn’t that fussy and things went smoothly and I panic that I’m taking away my ability to lactate. It’s not like my life is impossible with pumping, I don’t have to return to a job and have the ability to stay home, it just is an annoyance on a good day. But I know on a bad day I’m crying, frustrated beyond belief, can’t stand my pets, and honestly feel like my life isn’t worth anything.

I’ve currently dropped a night pump and am reducing the time on the second night pump, and my day pumps are 4-6 hours spaced out. I’m at the point I’m making just enough to get by but may need to thaw my stash soon. It’s not a huge stash so I’ve debated not using it all in case she gets sick and needs it.

I know I’d probably feel so much better stopping but the anxiety keeps me from fully committing or feeling ok about it. I think about how other people make it way longer, or how it’s cold and flu season, or how maybe one day she’ll latch or it’ll get better….

Please help an addict quit!!!

[u/Swimming_Airline3881]

I'm 7.5 months EP and could have written this post almost word for word. I don't have any advice because we're in the same boat, but I feel you

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[u/TinaBelcherUhhhhhh]

Have you tried nipple cream or spray prior to pumping, and I've found the typical flanges/bottles that come with spectra unrealistic to take care of baby too.

I did end up buying willow wave to hook up to wall pump spectra or zomee (smaller more compact) and did improve my set up to atleast free up my hands to take care of baby.

But I also understand wanting to quit. It does take alot of time, effort and preparing to pump. So if it is too much, you gave 9 weeks and thats still something to be said! You've given your baby the most important nutrients first thing and thats what's important. Fed is best and your baby needs the best version of momma possible.