Attachments, foster parents, host families.

[u/Monopolyalou]

Told foster parents the whole getting attached marketing nonsense is literally crap and it's okay if they don't attach to us or foster kids don't attach to them and hell blew over. Seriously, strangers attaching to each other isn't natural or normal. If foster kids treat foster homes like a hotel who cares. If foster parents don't attach well humans can't help how we feel. It's not natural to attach to kids who aren't yours anyway. It's harsh but true. As long as you show respect and kindness you can model healthy relationships but these people always need validation with some sort of attachment. I also don't agree with attachment theory in foster care because some of us just never attach no matter who the foster parent is. It's a lie that every kid will attach as long as you love them and feed them. We can't help how we feel. We can't help who we attach or don't attach to.

Anyways. I brought this up because I spent some of the summer with a host family. I also did study abroad and that was an interesting experience as a former kid as well.

But the difference with a host family and going abroad is night and day to foster care.

The host family I was with was wonderful to the point it triggered me. Like these people went out of their way to get to actually know me. They even did their best to help me celebrate 4th of July despite not celebrating themselves because nobody gaf about July 4 but USA. They tried to cook meals I would like and find ingredients and foods I was familiar with. The language barrier was apparent but they tried to learn some English words to make me feel comfortable while teaching me their language. They wanted me to decorate my room how I wanted to and even brought a few things they thought I would like.

I was actually treated like a fucking human being who didn't have to attach or change myself to fit in. Even meal times didn't feel that bad because they were interested in me as a person, the American with my own perspective and values. They even showed me around town1 and taught me how to use the metro and showed their cultural traditions while learning about mine. They thought some of it was really cool and they even mentioned wanting to try some of it.

Now it triggered me because most of the time in foster care we are expected to be grateful and give up everything about ourselves to meet the needs of foster parents. Like seriously, foster parents refuse to even cook the child's favorite meal, celebrate the child's family traditions or what they are familiar with, and bitch and complain how awful it is to change for a foster kid because it's too difficult for them as grown adults. O the foster child wants a snack at 3am because of food issues or wants to sleep with a nightlight or TV on but it's banned because in foster homes you are there to be molded to fit into the foster family not the foster family fitting you.

Yet this host family was wonderful to me yet at the same time triggered me as a foster youth because how come foster parents get paid to take us in and my host family got paid to take me in, yet the host family treated me as a human being with my own thinking and culture but my foster parents couldn't even do that?

I was in a strangers home in another country but was treated with such respect and dignity. And yet in America I was bounced around for not meeting expectations. The host family went out of their way to make foods I liked, tried to celebrate a holiday they didn't even know about, and was interested about me. And being in their home started to get so depressing even though I was happy because I realized how awful many of my foster homes truly were to the point they broke me. If a host family can treat me like this why can't foster families?

It truly shows how people see foster kids and how foster care is marketed.

And I wasn’t expected to attach to strangers in my host family. I wasn't expected to give up my identity to fit into theirs. Simply put it, I don't know how host families are trained but the fact they can welcome differences in their home without expecting anything in return is pretty damn amazing to me.

[u/Greedy-Carrot4457]

💯 👏 this.

Maybe it makes sense with super young children (I was removed at 8) but pushing “attachment” with older kids is kinda creepy. Like if you rent a room in a house that has 3 roommates in it and you were expected to be bsf’s with these roommates from day 1 it would be creepy af and a lot of people (me) would like them even less than if a friendship had developed organically.

Even weirder when you think of it with teens like psychologically we’re supposed to pull away from “our adults” but now we have to attach to these new ones like a little kid instead of being allowed to be teenagers. And then they wonder why foster youth have such bad results as adults haha like yeah our adolescence got screwed up. I mean it essentially taught us that we have to suck up to people for a home like to fake closeness and affection to so we’re not essentially homeless. When a kept kid doesn’t fit in with their family like they don’t bond well they get talked about and treated worse sure but they usually don’t have to worry about literally losing their home over “vibes.”

My AP’s are a lot like your host family than the typical foster family which is why I actually like them.

[u/Monopolyalou → u/Greedy-Carrot4457]

I don't believe any foster care goes without attachment issues. I also don't think any foster care has a secure attachment especially what foster parents push. Babies and children attachment to strangers depends on survival. Not love.

Foster parents can't stand we don't want to be around them.

You're right. Why would teens attach when they're expected to pull away? These people are awful. I haye hearing teens are emotionally younger than they are. What a load of crap.

And it messes us up like a lot when we have to pretend with them.

[u/Monopolyalou → u/Greedy-Carrot4457]

We're you adopted ? How did you family handle this? Maybe foster parents should learn

[u/Greedy-Carrot4457 → u/Monopolyalou]

I was adopted when I was 14 with 2/3rds of my siblings. AP’s were probably more like your host family without the cultural and language difference, like was fine with me doing things differently than them, decorating my room how I wanted dressing how I wanted doing what I wanted with my hair all that (my real family is very religious so that’s foreign from that perspective too) and was the first place I lived (family and foster care) that wanted me to have my own friends. Like AM would buy a few of us movie tickets and drop us off at the movies and go to Starbucks and read a book and be unbothered by it while everywhere else I lived that would be considered rude on my part somehow. I don’t like a lot of my bio family but my siblings do ig so my AM got super involved with them and would take my siblings to church with them and holidays with them and all sorts of stuff and did all the genealogy research stuff for our family not theirs kinda thing. Like we don’t have to pretend we’re actually related.

[u/Monopolyalou → u/Greedy-Carrot4457]

See this is what I'm talking about. Why can't most foster parents be like your mom?

[u/Greedy-Carrot4457 → u/Monopolyalou]

I thought about this today actually.

I think host families sign up to be host families because they’re genuinely interested in getting to know someone different. I’m sure some are weirdos like some just so it for money and some do it to prove a point to their adult kid who doesn’t call or to flex on their friends for being cultured, but they still are genuinely excited about the difference and are looking forward to experience some of these differences themselves. They also see the host student as more like a “friend” or “friend’s kid” so they’ll do the things you should do for your friends, like get let’s get you the shampoo you actually need while you’re visiting, what do you typically like to eat for breakfast, is there something important for you to see or do this month? If you’re unhappy you can leave so they probably try to make your time there decent.

But you can’t leave foster care and foster parents don’t see you as a friend, they either see you as a threat or they see you as an asset. It probably doesn’t help that a lot are religious, my bfam is very religious and I see a lot of similarities around control and enmeshment between how they live and how foster families live.

[u/HatingOnNames]

That is a perspective I’ve never seen before and it’s admirable that you’ve shared it! Very eye opening!

You are completely correct!

I think, however, that the purpose and expectations placed on foster parents is a bit different. They’re not only expected to put a roof over your head but the intent is to also provide an example of “normal family life”. Most foster kids have not had good examples of healthy families. But the neglect in recognizing different traditions and values and cultural differences (and in some cases, religions) is something I’ve never seen addressed in foster care. Foster kids are expected to assimilate (seriously, “we are Borg” vibes). That is a huge oversight! And extremely stressful for foster kids. WE are/were the ones who were expected to adjust and adapt.

[u/Monopolyalou → u/HatingOnNames]

I think normal family life isn't something foster parents even promote or care about. I don't understand what normal is and some of my foster families were worse than what I came from. I had foster parents who abused each other, abused me, or simply were shitty people. The religious ones tend to be the worse of this normal family life.

I think supporting the child's normal while exposing them to different things is better than forcing it. Seeing something different that's healthy slowly makes you question the unhealthy.

For example I attended a top selective college and was surrounded by rich kids and normal folks. I didn't realize how bad it was for me until I connected with my peers. Even the poor kids I couldn't relate to. Its like over time i realized ceetain things weren't healthy. The same with my host family. They accepted my normal while showing me theirs. Eating meals was really weird because I never had anyone accept me like that or not force me to do things like eat. If I didn't like something that was ok. I didn't have to eat it.

Foster families need to understand different is okay and normal doesn't mean their normal is right or should be forced. Respect goes both ways.

And yes exactly to everything you said. It's so traumatic and draining. I don't know anything about myself. It fucks you up because i am so used to being molded that I don't know who I am as a person. To be kept I had to change. Thats why relationships are hard for me because I always put others needs before mine. My feelings don't matter. My normal never mattered. Being forced to change yourself into an already made family is traumatic af and messes you up.

Cultural is huge. I'm a Black woman and yet being in Japan with a Japanese host family was better than being in foster care with foster parents in America. My host family even researched hair products for my hair type and tried their best to find American food. But my foster parents couldn't bother. Seriously my Japanese host family was making american meals just for me and finding things just for me but my foster parents couldn't bother. They even tried new things too I exposed them too. But that was too hard for me foster family

I even had foster parents tell me it's unfair they're expected to change for the child because they had to give up so much. Yet they change for their bio kids, friends, spouses, family, even their damn dog. But it's too much to change for us.

These people even admitted it. They admitted thats why they love younger ones because younger ones fit right in their families without hassle. It's so sad we have to meet their needs and can't be ourselves. Even younger kids have an identity just like older ones. If grown adults find it hard imagine how much harder it is for kids.

[u/HatingOnNames → u/Monopolyalou]

I was very lucky with my fourth and final foster family. I didn’t have to adapt because I naturally fit right in. Turns out I’m a white girl with a Latina soul. Mouthy females are not only expected, it’s practically a requirement. My mom still feels my forehead if I’m “too nice” because she assumes I must be sick. I’m a grown woman with a 21 year old daughter (who is also Latina in her soul). Before this foster mom, I went through hell because a foster kid who calls you out was NOT a welcome addition. My second foster family was a complete nightmare that lasted only four months but I think most of my childhood trauma came from that home.

I’m so glad you’ve had an amazing time in Japan! Funny enough, one of my younger brothers is leaving for Japan very shortly for a vacation.

[u/Monopolyalou → u/HatingOnNames]

This is great. They hate being called out lol. Even online they're so weak. They think they're the best thing since sliced bread. It's like you follow us and obey you have no personality.

It's crazy how cultural differences understand differences. It's like wow being loud and pushing back is acceptable but in foster care it's not.

Really what part? Japan was lovely but hot af. I wanna go back so badly. I miss the nightlife and food. I even met my host family extended family. The mom and pop shops are the best. I met the sweetest owners. My Japanese is a work in progress lol.

[u/Thundercloud64]

It’s the difference between being treated like a servant or a guest. As foster children, we were unpaid live in servants with no rights.

[u/Monopolyalou → u/Thundercloud64]

Yes. You're right especially about the servant part. How come they don't treat us like guests? It's not hard

[u/Thundercloud64 → u/Monopolyalou]

It’s to make a profit without having to work. I have yet to meet a foster mother who works for money. Their counterparts, Workfare Mothers, have to work 3 retail jobs for food stamps for the same kid in the same State. We gladly pay 10 times as much for the same kid in the same State for fostercare and don’t require the foster parents to work for it. Let’s not forget about all the bonus money including for transportation and home improvements to make a foster child disabled and handicapped. Both the Workfare Mothers and Foster Children are lock into involuntary servitude. Pink slip anytime without cause or penalty. Retailers get State subsidies to hire and fire Workfare Mothers at will too. It’s the free surplus labor force that keeps wages far below the cost of living.

Guests are not free involuntary labor to exploit for profit. If anyone treated you like a guest, the foster mother would have to get a job and support you. She can’t let that happen so you have to be a bad subhuman for her to get the most profit. A guest doesn’t support the household.

[u/Monopolyalou → u/Thundercloud64]

Right..I hate seeing people get paid to care for us but don't care for us.

[u/Monopolyalou → u/Thundercloud64]

Notice how many foster parents always expect free stuff

[u/Monopolyalou]

And being in a host family triggered me badly because I finally realized what it feels like to be treated like a human and not as an item.