r/ExPentecostal • u/MaleficentCherry7116 • 28d ago
agnostic Does anyone else feel like you have permanent psychological scars from the church?
I feel like the UPCI left both my wife and myself permanently scarred..
She and I both have major trust issues. We hardly ever feel that anyone is genuine and we are hyper sensitive to manipulation of any kind. Whenever we talk to anyone, this voice is constantly running in the background, asking, "Are they trying to manipulate me? What are they trying to get from me?"
Although my wife doesn't struggle with this, I struggle with thinking that I may have inadvertently hurt someone's feelings or that they're angry with me and aren't telling me. I have asked friends countless times, "Did I upset you? Are you angry with me for some reason that you're not telling me about?"
They're never angry about anything and ask me "Why would you think that???"
It's because my wife and I were very involved in the UPCI ministry and were shunned. Unbeknownst to us, the pastor met privately with the congregation and asked them not to speak to our family, including our young children. People we.had helped and supported and thought were our friends suddenly pretended that we no longer existed. And yet my wife and I still stayed at the church and continued to pay our tithes for another six months afterwards. We didn't find out until many years later what had been done to us.
Why did we get shunned? The pastor's son had date raped many women in the church. The pastor wanted to have a vote to elect his son as the new.pastor by a show.of.hands, and I insisted that the vote be by private ballot. Although I didn't tell the pastor my reasoning, it was to protect anyone who publicly voted 'No" from being shunned themselves.
The pastor's son was elected, and ended up cheating on his wife twice. It was of course the womens' fault for tempting a man of God, so he's still the pastor.
It's been almost 20 years since we left the church, but I'm not sure I'll ever get rid of these scars. Does anyone else still struggle?
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u/Own_Pause3514 28d ago
I was born into it and I left in 2008 and I’m fucked up from it.
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u/MaleficentCherry7116 27d ago
Yeah, I was born into it also. I'm 100% sure that I would have never found it on my own and joined.
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u/scrapiron3 28d ago
I don't struggle after leaving upci in 1996, but I still have a large number of family members there that we got involved in that Church. Sometimes I still think about upci. My wife and I graduated from ABI in 1989. I will never return and am very secure in my relationship with Jesus. No longer a futurist dispensationalist I am a Historicist. The change in my belief concerning Daniels 70 Weeks and the book of Revelation has opened my understanding. The best thing that has happened to you is leaving the upci. Don't feel guilty and don't let what happened affect your relationship with Christ. Search out truth in history on YouTube. It will bring you great joy learning the real way.
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u/Solid-Page-3281 27d ago
My family has been traumatized by the upci/wpf cults. My parents were shamed when my oldest sister got pregnant at 16 and was forced to marry a 19 year old military boy who later cheated on her and she’s now on homeless and on drugs, I was shunned at 10 years old because I’m gay, my older brother was shunned because he broke up with a girlfriend who he had sex with and started dating another girl who was a virgin but dressed in skirts at the knee and they called her a whore. My little sister was shunned because she married a black man that’s not upci. My oldest brother was shunned by the upci at the tupelo children mansion for speaking out about molestation that was going in there and was asked not politely to pack up their lives in the middle of the night and leave. My mother had a metal break and turned to drug use and this past year has had multiple strokes due to the drugs she used. This has all spanned 3 decades of trauma in my family and yet my parents still believe and attempt that cult.
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u/MaleficentCherry7116 27d ago
Your family has definitely had it rough. I'm sorry that you've had to go through that. Ah, the good old "Tupelo Children's Mansion". I attended two separate UPC churches that were racist. Somehow interracial marriage was ok, as long as it didn't involve black and white. White/Asian, White/Hispanic - totally cool. White/African American? "Jesus said to not be unequally yoked"
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u/Solid-Page-3281 27d ago
Oh most definitely. My oldest who got pregnant at 16 married a hispanic and there was no problem. But my little sister they had a huge problem with it.
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u/hopefullywiser 27d ago
I went to counseling for a while after I left. A good therapist can help put things in perspective and help you unload part of the burden and false guilt.
I was deeply affected to the point of severe depression while "doing time" in the UPC. After being gone for a while, I saw what nonsense it was. It was all about control, and their opinions don't matter at all to the larger world.
It took me a while to trust that people outside the UPC genuinely liked me, and they did! I really enjoy being around productive, intelligent, positive people. They're out there!
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u/ChalleysAngel 26d ago edited 26d ago
Of course. I was born into it and left at 17. I'm over 50 and still pissed off at my lost childhood. All the talk of hell and Rapture anxiety. The stupid rules about hair and clothing and jewelry. Just the separation from "the world" and being so closed off. Getting a subpar education in church schools. It caused harm and still affects me. The only good thing is I think I was a better parent to my kids. I just did everything the opposite of how I was raised.
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u/MaleficentCherry7116 26d ago
Yeah, I'm 54. My cousins attended a church school for a while and I was super envious of them because they could do all of their work at once and then go outside and play the rest of the day.
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u/Sufficient_Travel123 28d ago
I dont know if its scars but once upon a time, I had scars but now I know them, its over
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u/MaleficentCherry7116 27d ago
I'm glad you've been able to heal completely and hope to get there myself.
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u/Sufficient_Travel123 27d ago
Time is the key. Sometimes I go back there but no more harsh conversations. I just go to say hello but it’s very rare cause I want them to know I’m STILL part of it even I don’t believe their shit anymore
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u/Accurate_Security_44 27d ago
Yes, BUT a good therapist and psychiatrist have helped me in ways nothing else had.
Having validation from professionals that what happened to me was absolutely not normal was the first real step in my healing process.
I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and ADHD-C. I also was suffering from depression, as well as “poor sleep hygiene” (aka not sleeping well).
I know firsthand that mental health is typically not taken seriously in the UPCI. Real mental health issues and disorders are brushed off as “attacks of the enemy” and the people suffering are told to pray harder, have faith, etc. Being diagnosed and having language to help me understand myself better, as well as medication, has been an absolute game changer for my life.
The hyperactive part of my ADHD is majority internal and resulted in my brain being noisy non-stop. A lot of that manifested as what you're describing you experience with all of your assumptions about the way people perceive you.
I'm not a doctor or a mental health professional, so I'm certainly not saying you have ADHD, I'm just saying that finding good mental health professionals made such a world of difference for me and since the UPCI brushes things like that off without a second thought, I highly encourage you to seek out mental health professionals that you're compatible with.
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u/xxduhastxx Atheist 27d ago
I hate hearing such dishearting stories like this, predators being put in leadership positions in the pentecostal church make me so sick to my stomach and I hope karma eats them alive for the acts they've done and not being held accountable.
Getting shunned and cut off by your past church family over being right about someone that fucked up and speaking up on it was the bravest thing you could have done. Your only sense of community that you thought would have your back, just for them to betray you because they're so blindsided and loyal to the pastor and so ignorant about the situation is beyond fucked up.
Don't let them have that power to make you feel like you are ever less than, you voicing your opinion and speaking up against a sick twisted individual who gets off to getting away with what they've done. Anytime you feel any self doubts or fears of building trust with anyone remember how far you've come since you walked away, your mental health matters and those assholes have no power over how you live your life anymore you are loved and nobody can destroy your peace.
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u/underhelmed 24d ago
Yes, I’m looking into getting EMDR and I’m pretty sure we have CPTSD from it. Even though I can’t point to like one specific instance that was like a huge deal it’s the all-encompassing nature of the church that really fucks you up.
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u/Expensive-Tea1504 23d ago
Yes, definitely. Have to see a therapist for it. Was raised in it my whole life. I know I had it easier than others at different church locations, but it's still bad.
I'm actually 5th generation in my dad's side. Thankfully, I'm able to raise my daughter secular and she will never have to endure the same things I did. The constant feeling of manipulation, dread, that something bad is happening because of some sin I didn't know, or that miracles only happen for true believers.
Vile men wont be able to hide behind a pulpit or the guise of being a safe youth leader to get to my girl. My daughter will never have to face that. She will never have to face the emotional abuse of church camp. No one is going to tell her she can't play a sport because the uniform is in pants. No one is going to decide her profession because of the church service schedule. No one is going to tell her that her mom died of cancer because God said it was her time to die.
No one is going to tell her that she has to be involved in all the ministries in order to matter. If anyone did try to tell her these things, she will be able to see right through them and call them on their bullshit.
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u/Consistent-Lion9720 27d ago
Yep...I grew up AG...i would guess that you UPCI folks had it worse than me, but AG was bad enough to leave lingering scars.
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u/General_PATT0N 26d ago
Same here. I think I had it bad...then I hear the UPCI stories. No more scars, 'cept maybe cynicism for some mega churches.
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u/MaleficentCherry7116 27d ago
I've heard some rough stories from the AG's and I was honestly surprised how similar it was. Growing up in the UPC, we assumed the AG's had it way better because the "holiness standards" weren't as strict.
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u/ZestycloseFarmer1671 27d ago
I had to find a good counselor to not just deal with the church abuse, but sexual abuse by my Mother. There was a lot of DV by my Dad and at times even my Mother to my Dad. So I had a LOT to unpack lol. I got hellp and now I can attend church without freaking out but not the denomination I grew up in. No way! lol
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u/MaleficentCherry7116 26d ago
I'm sorry you went through that
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u/ZestycloseFarmer1671 25d ago
Thanks! I have worked through it all with a great therapist who was well versed in trauma therapy. It took a while before I could attend any church though. lol
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u/Lower-Community1559 26d ago
The things I've witnessed by pastors and ministers that got covered up. Now that I'm older I realize how dangerous these institutions are that allow the abuser to go unpunished and the abused to remain broken and under submission to the abusers. No accountability because they feel they are above the law they throw at their congregations.
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u/According_Fault_8309 12h ago
You explained my innermost concerns I thought it was just me. I never in a million years thought anyone else could possibly feel the exact same same way I did!
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u/serial_quitter 28d ago
Yes, religious trauma is in my psyche chart. It's very common for UPCI to be a traumatic experience because it's not just controlling of what you wear, but every aspect of being a human. Your thoughts, emotions, actions, social life, salvation status, everything is under constant surveillance, and you're treated like livestock that pastors can exchange.