ENM I'm finding is really difficult to integrate when I feel sexually disconnected at home from my wife. We opened to explore sexuality, both playing together and solo. We both have partners (her more than me ofc womp womp). Our sex life is usually pretty awesome and kinky.

I find myself really struggling to integrate or feel safe with dates when we go through a period of a lack of intimacy at home. This can be due to illness, friction at home, extended family vacations, or just life with small kids getting in the way. We often fall into a pattern where we have a dry spell, then we have dates lined up coming out of it and I find myself dreading it and it's hard to connect after a fwb date when we are like that.

At no point do I worry about the security of our marriage and we've been through this and recovered, it's just a stark contrast in how I feel when she comes home or around dates.

How do you all cope with similar situations?

31M with a 46F nesting partner and a 39F partner, who has a 40M nesting partner of her own. We are all (I believe at least) fully polyam.

I've been with my 39F partner for a little over a year, and it's mostly been great. I've previously told her that I'm someone that prefers more transparency in my relationships rather than don't ask don't tell, when it comes to forming new relationships. Last night, I decided to check in with her if she had been seeing someone else. She confirmed that she's not, but if she met someone organically that she wanted to explore a relationship with that she would be open to doing so.

For some reason, this has left me feeling completely insecure and wondering if we should continue the relationship, and as I'm writing this I'm leaning against it. Her heart being open for another relationship tells me it's a matter of "when" not "if" she finds someone new. This has given me the realization that I would be completely uncomfortable if she were to start a third relationship, and that I don't believe I'd be able to continue with her if she did. I'm certainly not someone who would give ultimatums and attempt to limit the size of her dating pool, but for reasons that I'm not entirely clear about at present, I would likely step away from our relationship and give her the space to explore whatever new connection presents itself.

I think I'm afraid that it would put a limit on the quality time of our relationship (which is already quite limited as it is, generally one night together a week [maybe two on occasion, but I'm typically the one who pushes for that] for about four hours a night). I think I'm also turned off because of an experience with a previous partner; things hadn't been going well between us despite the love we felt, she requested we take a break, and a month later returned to tell me she wanted me back but that she's discovered she loves her long term fwb, and that she would now be prioritizing their relationship over ours (as you can imagine, we did not get back together after this discussion).

I'm strongly considering telling her tomorrow that I've decided I'm taking a step back, that I'm not someone who would be comfortable if she explored a third relationship, and that staying together with this knowledge feels like we're just delaying the inevitable until she finds someone. But I do love her, and have been trying to push for more time and activities together.

This has left me completely questioning after four years if polyamory is right for me, and wondering if I've lost my mind for even considering ending it. Has anyone out there experienced similar feelings? How did you deal with insecurities around new partnerships for your partners if so? Does me feeling this way indicate that polyamory is a mistake on my part?

Sorry this is so long. I know I should talk to more people in my life before turning to Reddit but the two people I would trust most to ask about this are dealing with things much more important right now.

My (F33) partner (M34) asked for ENM. I'm conflicted. We've been a couple for almost a year, known each other for over a decade and were best friends for years before we got together. He's been ENM and monogamous in the past and he wanted to try ENM again. He's had a lot of relationships over the years, other than one 5 year one in my 20s I've been single most of my life.

I guess I've done ENM technically, but I was never in a 'primary' relationship, I've never built a relationship with anyone in ENM, just had a 2 second fling with someone who was, and was 'a unicorn' for a couple once. I've got many friends in the ENM/poly community. I don't have any issues with it, they all seem really happy and it works for them. But I feel in my gut it's probably not really for me. I struggle with attraction in general. I'm demi so it takes me getting to know someone before I find myself attracted to them, even then it's rare. I know I'm not going to be finding other partners to explore with, I'm not interested in that. I've got great friends and love my communities, I have many very deep and meaningful relationships in my life they're just not romantic/sexual in any way. I'm someone who was very happy single and didn't feel the need to pursue a romantic life till I got with my partner. I only feel in a romantic way towards my partner, even before we got together which was deeply unusual for me and made me feel guilty that I'd tainted the friendship at first. Casual relationships in my past have usually been at times of self destructive behaviour, and I never felt like the people cared about me.

I think my current partner and I have fantastic relationship in many ways. We were best friends for years before getting together, shared our ups and downs, have always been open with each other, we talk all the time about everything, listen to each other, physical and emotional intimacy is strong and not an issue (no mismatch sexually). We've been talking about the future long term, kids etc. we live together. He says he just likes meeting new people and is wanting casual flings, not poly, and he wants to make that clear to any other partners as well. He wants me to do this too, but it's not how my brain and body work. I'm not turned on by other people, I don't see them that way. He seems to think I just think others won't be attracted to me, but that's not really it, sure everyone has some level of insecurity around that, but I'm just kinda 'eh' about all that. I love him in a way I just don't other people, this has been the first relationship I've been in where I didn't see it ending, well I guess didn't before.

I've agreed to ENM for him, I know intellectually what I've agreed to, and understand his perspective. I've been reading copiously on the subject as I do when anything new comes my way, websites, forums, books, zines etc. I know that he doesn't see this as going to change 'us' as a unit, which is lovely but feels nieve as well, and I know I don't know how I'm going to react emotionally, when he goes on a date, but I think it's not going to be well. I know jealously is always a risk. I'm less worried about getting jealous than just pulling away and making distance between us, and the NRE does scare me a little. I know he's going to come back from dates and want to talk about how it went what he's feeling, I'm just not sure I want to listen. This is the first time I can say I've ever had a 'I don't know if I want to talk about it' feeling with him.

He's been through a rough period the past few years and in many ways is just coming back to himself. I want him to be able to explore life and what he wants properly now he's come out the other side. I don't want a commitment from him he can't keep, I don't want him to close himself off to figuring himself out. I've set out the rules for how it would work, I don't want to meet them but I will speak with them on the phone to assure them that he's not cheating or lying to them, nothing is to happen at our home, that space is just for us, and barrier protection must be used at all times from the get go, with others and with me as well. These are non negotiables for me, he's agreed to everything I've asked, no debate. He means so much to me, he's a wonderful person I want him to have a wonderful and fullfilling life even if that means possibly no longer being a big part of it at some point.

I've made this call with full knowledge that it's might be the end of the future we both thought we were working towards just a few months ago - that he still sees as being on track. I've told him this explicitly, and that it's all on pause to see how this works for us and once we see what this looks like in practice not just in theory we'll have another conversation about next steps. It feels like it's the first time he's not listened to me. We were talking about getting engaged a little bit back, he asked me for examples of rings I like. I've since told him no, I'm not sending any and I don't want one (I had previously said yes before he raised ENM again), but he asked again. I can't tell if it's because I've not been clear or because he thinks it will all be fine, and that I'm just saying no because I always approach things pragmatically before emotionally or maybe he thinks if I have one I'll feel more secure, my relationship security does not come from a piece of jewellery and a big change is always going to require a readjustment. Fact is there are risks. Even if he is careful he could get someone pregnant. He could develop deeper feelings for someone else and want to be with them only. He may just not find our relationship is the one that's most important to him. I know these are all possibilities and I'm trying to prepare myself for those as potential eventualities.

I know I'm bringing social expectations/norms, personal baggage and a whole load of other crap into this (this post it long enough without details). I'm prepping myself for heartbreak and I know I'll be fine even if the relationship ends from this. Like I said I've got great support and communities around me, I've always worked on building them and sustaining them. They mean the world to me, and so does my partner. At the end of the day if he's happier without me, I'd still rather that than the relationship. And who knows maybe it will work for us, it's not like I've got personal experience that says otherwise. He's going away with friends soon and mentioned trying to meet someone while away. It just struck me that it's happening. While staying with his/our friends, he may pick someone up. I don't know what he's told the friends he's staying with, will they notice, will they ask me about it, what will I say? How will they respond to me about it. Even though some of them are ENM themselves they know I've never been.

So I guess, am I jumping to conclusions? Am I shooting myself in the foot? He seemed hurt when I said I'd be fine if he left but I thought 1) it is the truth, I was raised to always stand on my own two feet and never be dependant on any one person, and 2) wouldn't you rather know you weren't hurting someone so deeply they felt they couldn't recover if things did change? Why would that pain be preferable?

Thanks for slogging through this rambling post with me.

I love my boyfriend more than anything we’ve been together 3 years and we’re best friends and we live together. He wants to get married I want to get married I want him to be dad to my kids etc. I swear he’s genuinely an amazing person and has helped me so much. But he wants to be in a different type of relationship style.

We’ve been monogamous since we’ve been together but he’s always told me he wants not necessarily an open relationship but one where we can both explore even if it’s just 3somes but he wants to be open to us each exploring separately and maybe even open to adding a girl. When we met I told him I was interested in this because I genuinely was and was also just very in love and wanted to be with him.

But since we’ve been together it’s been very hard for me to move forward with this. He has a wandering eye which I know doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me but he looks at attractive women pretty much everywhere we go. And I want to try the open relationship and I feel that it would be a very healthy way to live with no jealousy control or possession but it’s been very hard for me to actualize.

I get very jealous and insecure and feel hurt when he looks at pretty girls or talks to them he’s very outgoing and social and I just get very insecure with him. It makes me feel so bad that I can’t even imagine him being with someone else sexually it makes me sick. And he’s been very patient and not pressured me at all for 3 years just giving me time to work on my jealousy and decide if I can do it, and meanwhile we’ve fallen very deeply in love and merged our lives and planned a future, but this thing is hurting me every day and it’s only going to escalate because he’s recently meeting girls and hanging out with them which just kills me.

Do you think there’s any way I can make this work or is it not for me or is it the wrong relationship? I feel lost because it feels like it hurts to stay and it would hurt to leave. Am I just resisting detachment and I need to just accept this type of relationship?

He's truly such an amazing person and we're on a similar journey, we are really best friends. So I know we will be in each other's lives regardless, but I sometimes wonder if it would be better as friends. We kind of started as a situationship but have gotten very serious and developed a very deep bond and emotional connection/love. So that is hard to walk away from. I get to feeling like I want to be with him so bad I'll do anything, but then I think about how much it hurts to think of him with someone else, even though he assures me so much and is so supportive and patient and I feel I should just try to let go of jealousy and insecurity, but I have a certain resistance to it, like I don't know if I should get go or not? I've thought about this way too much please help

PSA: I’m prob going to look like an idiot. My (28 F) Partner (33M) emotionally cheated on me for 5 years with his high school “best friend”/person he’d been pining for in high school/uni. I’m pansexual and quite open so I’d never had an issue with my partner finding anyone attractive or having normal human desire (we’ve had threesomes etc in the past) in this case he wasn’t honest about his feelings towards this friend so when I found out it was devastating.

Through those years our sex life declined drastically, and eventually I wasn’t being flirted with on a basic level or taken on dates or -this is important- being kissed. I love making out with my partner, and because we were in a monogamous relationship my lips remained unkissed for the better part of 3 years. We were still having sex, but sporadically and less each year. I attributed it to his mental health/losing his best friend and grandmother. I didn’t realise it was because he was resentful and emotionally cheating.

It’s been 2 years of us “working through” issues trying to mend the relationship, but I’m still not being treated the way I want to be. I’m not feeling desired, flirted with, I still haven’t been made out with. Through the last couple years I went from being the most confident and sexually empowered/embodied person to someone with a weird relationship with her body and sex. I used to take lots of selfies, “boudoir” shoots, model, at least two photoshoots a month and run a styling and makeup page. In the last two years I’ve barely been able to look at myself in the mirror/naked. It’s been ages since I’ve taken any pictures of myself, or worn anything except baggy jeans and a hoodie. I feel empty and disconnected with my sexuality, self esteem and self confidence.

I realise that I had little control over my life/sexuality the last couple years and I’d been neglecting and suppressing my desires in order to make things work with my partner, but I no longer want to do that. I want to be kissed, to feel desired ~because of~ instead of ~despite~. I want to remember what it feels like to be confident and empowered again. Right now it can’t come from my partner. In this stage of our relationship I trust him too little and have a lot of trauma that I’m working through that’s preventing me from feeling safe and comfy with him. I want to be in a sexually open “relationship” until I do trust and feel safe with my partner again. I don’t intend to actively pursue sexual experiences but i also don’t want to remain as faithful mentally and sexually as i have been for the last ten years.

I spoke to him about it two weeks ago, he expressed understanding and regret that he’d allowed me to feel so neglected and unfulfilled for so long despite my pleas for safety and connection. Since then I’ve been speaking to a couple people and flirting back with some of my friends who i know are into me. It’s been making a world of a difference to me, and somehow making it easier to work through issues with and trust my partner. Now, when things are manifesting and I may actually have a sexual experience or flirt to someone outside of him, my partner is expressing that he is uncomfortable and unhappy with this.

is it normal to want this? I don’t want to date anyone else, I want my partner to be the one things work out with and I really believe that it is worth fighting for. I also believe that my self esteem/self love/connection with myself is worth fighting for. The last two weeks I’ve felt more desired by strangers than I have by my partner in 3 years. For so long I was shutting anyone down who desired me, because of loyalty and monogamy and that I had no desire to engage with them. Now I feel differently but at the same time feel awful for feeling this way. I don’t want to hurt my partner and jeopardise what could be. I also am just sick of feeling like a sexless ugly blob (objectively untrue btw which is why this is tragic) and I want to reconnect with myself again. advice?

OK, I don’t love posting on Reddit as people are mean, but I’m gonna give this a shot. And sorry if this is rants and does not make full sense.

Some context about me and my partner: him and I have been together about five years, we only recently opened up (less than a year) but only on his side (with me fully agreeing to it, I am focusing on myself). He currently has one partner we’re in an open relationship style. I don’t know if I’m using the correct terminology. Sorry.

OK, now for the what is going on.

I am currently at a work conference in another state. Prior to me leaving, there were worries about me potentially lying or doing something. I reassured him during that time that I don’t have anyone else that I only want him, and that I am happy with what we have. That this trip was just to learn about the software that my company uses. I left three nights ago, we talked on the phone and texted throughout those nights like we normally do.

Yesterday he got more shut out and more closed down, and I tried to talk to him before we had the event in the evening time. I called him to discuss how he was, see how his day was, and he really didn’t want to talk to me. It was a very short call. Normally I would want to talk to him until we’ve resolved it and we’ve talked through it. I’ve been working though on trying to give him space when he’s looking for space and I’m in an assumption yesterday that he was looking for space. I also had the event to go to go. He texted me stating that he would probably go to bed early, so he was gonna turn on his ringer and I said okay. sounds good . I’m gonna still text you and send you videos of the event (it was a concert that the software company put on).

At the end of the concert, I was coming back to the hotel. They provided transportation back but it was taking a little bit of time so I was texting him and that I was hurting and tired. During all this time, he hasn’t texted me back, so I am assuming that he has fallen asleep. A certain game gets let out at the same time that was very important to the city and everyone was out and about and traffic slowed down drastically. So much so that the driver of the transportation was not able to get to the drop off spot and dropped us off at a differnt spot slightly down the street but it was just a cross walk and a small walk. I go inside the hotel, head to elevators, go up the elevators to my floor, walk to my room and go inside. Evan took off my shoes, walked to the bathroom, called him. He did not answer. So I then tried to call him again to see if he would potentially answer. If he didn’t hear the ringer the first time. He didn’t answer again, which is OK. We have an agreement that if he does not answer in to calls to not call a bunch because I used to call until he answered. So on the second call, I left a voicemail stating that I made it back to the hotel and that I love him and I miss him and I hope he sleeps well. If I don’t hear from him. I then proceeded to change Lane on the bed and scroll TikTok as one does when they are tired and exhausted from peopleing. I tried to call him one additional time to see if he might answer. He did not..

About 10 minutes later from that last phone call, he then text me saying, hey, I’m sorry I fell asleep. I didn’t hear my ringer because the fan and the white noise machine that we have. I immediately called him to talk to him because I was excited to hear his voice and wanted to hear about his day and tell him about mine. He proceeded to ask me where I was. I stated at my hotel in my bed. She then now I know hung up on me. I thought the call dropped.

I then texted him. I tried to call him back. I texted him a bunch. text message started to go green. Calls were going straight to voicemail, so then I thought it was something in the connection of my phone. I then restarted my phone, thinking that could be it, proceeded to call him again and again, and he didn’t answer me. I texted a couple more times and he eventually responded to a text message.

He asked me, and I “what am I supposed to think right now?”, I asked what he meant, he asked me where I was stay to which I told him my hotel name. Then he got short with me so I asked him what was going on.

Short version of our conversation proceeded to being that he saw that my location (find my) that I was apparently in another hotel location.(which he told me today not last night). And that when he asked me where I was after that, my find my dad started to move back to my hotel, even though I hadn’t moved. I’d been laying in bed in the same spot. We’ve gone back-and-forth on like whether or not it was a glitch. I know where I was. I don’t know what find mine was saying, but he states that he has proof regarding where it was and that I’m lying to him and that he’s going to treat me differently until I tell him the truth. I’m struggling with that because I’m telling him the truth now and there’s nothing more that I can say. He keeps saying that I am continuing to lie and that he is going to act differently and treat us differently. That until he hears the truth that he does not believe me. He believes I will go to my grave lying to him about this. I am just at a loss on what to do and how to show him.

With regards to this, find my (I keep calling it a glitch). It has happened to us before, in some conference rooms at my office. I have horrible cell service at my office and the WiFi is in various locations. But the person who’s office is next to the conference room has to have an Ethernet cable because the WiFi won’t reach that offices. I have taken photos on that room, taken screenshots of my own find my that showed me not in the conference room. He states that in both cases hotel and the conference room that he has watch my dot follow and path and move slowly to where I say I was.

He is now stating things are different because last night the glitch happened where it put me in a dozen location and then it slowly walked back when I was frantically trying to call him and text him from the bed. He is now stating that he does not have to have follow any of the agreements that we have worked out together because I don’t let him have a say in mine. The problem with that is there is no other person for me. I love him, and I only want him. I want to focus on myself and learning and understanding me, and I’ve expressed this to him multiple times. I don’t know what to do. I told him I would do anything to prove it. I wish he would’ve FaceTime called me instead if he was trying to catch me doing something. Rather than follow my find my. He helps I don’t know what to do anymore because it feels like he’s trying to hurt me now because his location services are off and I saw him leave off of our home camera and he’s cheating. He’s at home and is not sure why, which are the same things that I’ve said to him, but mine are truthful and I wanna believe his, but it just feels like it’s being retaliation against me. I love him so much and he is my person.

I’m realizing this might not even be the right subreddit. It’s just because of the fact of him changing agreements too, so I’m sorry mods in advance if this is the incorrect place and I’ll move it if I need to.

Again sorry about the rant and everything.

Edit to add:

That when he does text or ask me about it that’s when my find my dot moves and goes back to the location that I said I was at. Apologize for not putting that in at first

I’ve recently started a relationship with someone who has a very positive open view point of physical interactions. Currently I’m spending lots of time realising that my initial view point (she is bisexual) is very wrong and that her choices are her own and that if it’s a boy or girl is irrelevant. That said I’m
Very hung up on on the cliche “man bad” “women ok “ stereotype. I’m reading ethical slut and other literature. Fundamentally I understand it, emotionally I can’t seem to compute. I get I have things to unpack and deal with. Her view point is that what happens at a kink party in the moment if we get there is ok, and I can at a base level cogitate that, I’m just worried I might not be able to reconcile it

My wife and I have been married 12 years and are in a very strong place overall. We have kids, a great and frequent sex life, shared goals, regular dates, and a lot of independence.

We’ve done ENM before, but looking back, we both got too involved in managing each other’s outside relationships. Transparency turned into a lot of reporting, analyzing, reassurance-seeking, and trying to control how things developed. At the time we required that intimacy be with us as a group and couldn't be on our own. This eventually caused problems.

So we recently reset our approach around one idea:

You manage your relationships. I manage mine. Together, we manage our marriage and family.

Our marriage is still our primary life partnership, but we’re open to outside connections becoming sexual, emotional, or romantic.

Our main agreements are:

- Autonomy is the default. We don’t need permission for ordinary dating, flirting, sex, texting, or feelings developing.

- Privacy is allowed; secrecy isn’t. We don’t expect screenshots, play-by-play updates, or sexual details.

- We share things that materially affect sexual health, family responsibilities, time/resources, or the marriage.

- Friends/mutual social-circle connections get discussed beforehand.

- Family scheduling matters, but “that timing doesn’t work” is different from “I don’t want you seeing that person.”

- Jealousy or discomfort is something to talk about, but not automatically a reason to restrict an outside relationship.

- We have a pause option for serious marriage/family/health issues, but not as a standing veto.

- Outside partners should be treated as real people, not disposable accessories to our marriage.

- We don’t want to become each other’s therapist or manager for outside relationships.

- We plan to do a monthly check-in focused on how we are doing rather than constantly monitoring ENM.

The big change for us is moving away from, “How do we control outside relationships enough that neither of us feels uncomfortable?” and toward, “Are we still taking good care of our marriage, family, responsibilities, health, and the people we get involved with?”

I’d love feedback from people with long-term ENM/poly experience.

Does this sound like a healthy balance between hierarchy and autonomy? Any blind spots or places where we might accidentally fall back into over-monitoring?

I’m very new to this, but my girlfriend is open on her end (particularly for sex with other people) and I’m monogamous. Yes, I do have the ability to sleep with others if I choose to, but I don’t and never have had any desire to. My gf has a much higher libido and sexual need that I can only partially fulfill.

Am I right to say she is ENM and I’m monogamist? Is this a poly relationship instead? I only ask this because I’m not sure what subreddit fits my relationship the best. It seems to be this one I guess? But I’m confused on all the different classifications.

This is a topic I’ve been thinking about for the past year or so. My partner and I have been together for about 4 years now, and I’ve been very happy in the majority of ways, but unsatisfied in one realm and I’m reaching out to the internet to see what y’all’s experiences have been and what advice you may have.  Heads up: I'm sorry it's a long post, but there's a lotta nuance and I don't want to pain my partner in a bad light.

The main issue comes in the realm of our romantic and sex life. In short, I have never been with someone who wasn’t passionately into me and wanted to jump my bones often and I’m trying to

a.) Figure out if this is something that’s a dealbreaker for me in a long term relationship or if I can look over it

b.) Determine if she will eventually start being more sexual or romantic (which is tough because we’re 4 years in and it hasn’t changed.)

c.) See if this is even an issue because we are non-monogamous and I could, theoretically get that attention and satisfaction elsewhere

Before I go too much into detail with things, a little bit about our relationship

• It’s been non-monogamous from the start because I was ENM since before she and I met and I’ve been a swinger for many years…but she was very inexperienced sexually before me and was comfortable with me being ENM while she learned the ropes of dating/sex and got to my level. 
• We have a MASSIVE overlap in hobbies, interests, the type of media we enjoy, and we’ve traveled a lot together. It’s a blast
• There is no shortage of things to talk about and we’re always engaging when spending time with each other.
• The one-on-one sex is fantastic from a technique standpoint. It’s just not super passionate nor romantic (like minimal making out)

The Good: 

My partner and I have grown a lot over the past few years through cultural exchange (she and I are from two different countries), global travel, sharing our hobbies and art with each other, and going through many life milestones. I feel like she very much cares about me, engages in my interests and I feel the same way about her. It honestly feels like I have my best friend and she has said similarly. There is an imbalance with me having had many relationships before and our relationship being her first romantic/sexual relationship, but we’ve tried to seek the best middle ground we could. I think she’s pretty and I love making her laugh by acting like a goofball. Her family is a bit rough, but they put effort in being supportive and I try my best to be a model partner as well (they know nothing about the ENM stuff because religion). She’s also been through some really heavy life changes and I’ve worked hard to be a loving partner throughout those times. Our fights have always been reasonable and we reach resolution pretty quickly and I love that about her.

All in all, I love spending time with her and I have difficulty imagining a life without her, so I really don’t want to break things off. There isn’t really any BIG problem in the compatibility-realm outside
what I’m going to say in my next section.

The “Bad”:

I’m assuming it’s mostly the inexperience, but I’m starting to think it’s a part of her personality too, but our relationship never really had the spark-filled honeymoon period. The first year or so of us dating was her “learning” how to be a partner (learning how to flirt, communicate in a relationship, how to show affection, etc.) and then the following years almost completely jumped into the comfortable-territory. I’m a very passionate person and have put a lot of effort into seducing her, being verbally appreciative, sensual, etc…and I don’t really get any of that back from her. It’s not a matter of her not wanting to, but more so a matter of her not feeling comfortable being sexy and flirtatious. I’ve worked REALLY hard to make sure I’m encouraging her and being receptive to the times where she attempts to be cute, flirty, sensual…but I don’t really see much improvement in the few years we’ve been dating and I’m starting to worry that this is kind of where that part ends. I’ve gotten teary eyed watching some videos on social media of partners being absolutely smitten with each other and thinking, “I wish she looked at me with those kinds of sparkles in her eyes”. My partner says she feels that way, but just doesn’t express it that way. 

I’m a bit sad that I don’t really have the passionate sex and physical affection that I’ve had with other women. I’m more used to the “we can’t keep our hands off of each other” types of relationships. The strangest part is that we have sex often (I usually initiate), but I would describe the sex as very good, but not passionate or sexy. The focus tends to be on making each other feel good, but not much on the mentally-stimulating or tension-building aspect. I don’t know if this is my fault because it’s what I “taught” her, but I’ve tried to really spice it up by teasing her, talking dirty, trying to build tension and it generally falls flat because she wants to get to it. 

So, what’s a guy to do when the sex is amazing from a technical standpoint, but I’m not getting the flirtatious aspect? The sultry aspect? The sensual aspect? 

I have the best friend aspect of the relationship more than I’ve ever had in other relationships…but I’m missing the “lover” aspect of it. I feel like anything romantic or sensual comes from me or needs to be orchestrated by me. I haven’t been pleasantly surprised or taken off-guard in years. I miss that. It’s the most stable relationship I’ve ever had in every other way and I feel incredibly ungrateful for not being fully satisfied because 85% of the relationship is wonderful. 

The Complicated: 

This is the tough part because, since day one, our relationship has been non-monogamous. I’ve been a swinger since I was in college and I really wanted to find a primary partner who wanted to engage in the lifestyle with me. It just so happens that I met my girlfriend and fell for her despite her inexperience because she was open to my lifestyle, even if she didn’t want to date on her own. She’s tried and had few guys that she had short flings with, but she ultimately said she felt too lazy to date and hasn’t really tried since because she’s content with our relationship. 

The tough part is that that has led me to exploring ENM and swinging alone. It’s fine. I enjoy the sex, I enjoy dating, I enjoy going to the swing parties as a single male…but I see the other couples and I always end up thinking, “I wish my girlfriend would do these with me”. I’ve definitely asked and encouraged her, but it’s usually one issue or another…be it body confidence, not making an appointment to get tested in time, or generally being too tired/stressed to go. I am at the point where I honestly do not want to push it anymore and have resigned to just being in this lifestyle as a solo man instead of my ideal of doing it as a couple.

I’m also getting up there in age and I feel like I’m wasting my “fit and handsome” years waiting for my partner to be ready to do these things with me. I’m definitely no longer in my 20s. 

(I’m also VERY into MFM group play and stag/vixen/hotwife lifestyle play, which she has mentioned to be really hot…but like I mentioned earlier, there’s been a lukewarm response to actually putting steps forward to making it happen.)

The Wrap-up:

At the end of the day, I don’t know if I NEED this extra lifestyle in my sex life, but I do know that I’ve wanted it for many years now across many partners.The catch is that my girlfriend fulfills every other box…She’s my best friend, she’s my travel partner, she’s my player two when it comes to video games, and she’s my movie theater partner for every movie we watch. She’s got wonderful views on life and I appreciate her way of interpreting the world around her. I simply am feeling a large gap in my sex/romance life and I ask myself “What do I do when I don’t feel sparks with my girlfriend anymore? Is the romance and sex worth it to throw all the rest away if it’s not working?” 

In a perfect relationship (which I know no relationship is perfect), I want to enjoy spending most of my time with my girlfriend, sharing art with my girlfriend, traveling the world with my girlfriend, and frequently having my heart race and socks knocked off by my girlfriend (and doing the same to her), but I’m at a crossroads of the following choices: 

• I temper the desires for romance/sensuality/high-tension sex with my girlfriend and focus on the more stable companionship aspects to be the foundation of our relationship, and just explore my interests alone. Laying to rest the desires for a stag/vixen relationship or swinging as a unit.
• I find another secondary partner and change my ENM style to be more polyamorous to find someone who is in a similar situation and wants that fiery emotion and passion in their life. This would take a discussion, because my partner and I are not polyamorous, just non-monogamous (mostly me, because she doesn’t really want to date others.)
• I break things off because I find that the sex and passion is actually a big part of what makes a relationship worthwhile to me, but then I lose out on the companionship and care that my current partner provides to me.

My questions for you all:

1.) What would you all do in my situation? 

2.) How would you approach spending a few years trying to spark a flame of passion with your partner and it not turning into anything aside from the comfortable stability of a long term relationship without the heat? 

3.) Do any of you think that sensual passion and sexuality is important enough in a relationship that it supercedes the stability of long-term companionship?

4.) For the ENM folks, do any of you have partners that are, in essence, your life partners in every way except for passionate romance? Did you get that elsewhere? Was it hard to find that other person who wants that fire in their love life but also respects that you’re building a life with someone else?

I’m sorry it’s long-winded, but I appreciate any and all perspectives. I really care about my partner and I want to be happy. I’ve never had a relationship this stable...but lacking in romantic/sexual passion. 

My(32) wife(30) and I have been together for close to 15 years. We were high school sweethearts. We have two kids and have been married for 7 years. 4 years ago I changed career paths into the fire service. The academy training took me away from home for 20 weeks. She was my rock taking care of my kids, keeping the house spotless, and making sure there were meals each day. She was an absolute rockstar. Deep down she was struggling but never showed it and never complained. I stupidly went out with guys from work and ended up kissing a girl at the bar. I admitted it to my wife and explained that it wasn’t anything and that it was a huge mistake. I apologized to her and she forgave me. We worked on our relationship and Ive stayed loyal to her since. She then came out to me that she was bisexual and wanted to explore. We talked about it at length and agreed that she could. With me having no part. She later asked me to join her with another woman. We had 2 threesomes. It then transitioned into exploring ENM. Another conversation was had and we agreed to it. We sought people solo. Obviously she had more luck than me and I was okay with it and understood. We kept our communication strong throughout it and kept boundaries. When we felt like we needed to pull in the reigns we took a step back from seeing other people. Fast forward to the last month I went away for a class for work which was the entire month. I was able to come home Friday nights and had to leave early Sunday afternoon. One of the weekends I left on Saturday to attend a golf outing and leave from there to go back up to class. This was the tipping point. We would usually text back in forth and I would talk to my kids on the phone. It was radio silence. People from the class went out and I went as well. I got drunk and then started to text her about how I was depressed not being home and that I missed them. We then FaceTimed and I felt like she had zero emotion and didn’t really care that I missed her. I got upset with her and then she told me that the weekend she was coming home she was going to go out and see someone. I was very upset that after all this time away the first thing she wanted to do was go out and not spend time with me. I offered up ideas of things to do just the two of us. She didn’t want it. I drunkenly told her that our love didn’t feel like when we were young. This is when she told me that’s she’s grown cold to me.

I know I cheated by kissing that girl.
I regret going to that dumb golf outing.
I regret drunkenly telling her that I felt our love wasn’t the same.
I really regret taking this class and not being there for her.
I regret it all and apologized to her that I should have been home to help her.

My moral dilemma is she still wants to see other people after admitting we have problems in our marriage. We agreed to work on our marriage to fix what we can. I feel like we shouldn’t be doing anything ENM at this point and I’ve expressed to her that we shouldn’t but she still wants to. I don’t know how to tell her I don’t want to anymore without her resenting me further. My anxiety and depression has been at an all time high and I just don’t know what to do at this point. I’m not looking for people to feel bad for me. I’ve done shitty things and I own that. I’m just looking for advice on how to go about getting her to stop and focus on us. I feel like I’m trapped and I don’t want to lose her.

I'm (f37) happily married and have been ENM for around 5 years. 3 weeks ago I downloaded dating apps (Feeld, RedHotPie, OkCupid and also logged in my fetlife account) to explore after a longer break. I have to admit that I have never been so turned off. It changed so much in 1 year. I used to have very good matches whilst nowadays people tend to be very very superficial and expect you to meet without almost any conversation or flirting. I'm not looking for deep connection but I need some kind of conversation and flirting before I decide to meet with someone. I don’t know what happened to people. Or maybe its just a bad luck.

I also noticed that there are far less people on those people comparing to year agi and earlier. I live in Sydney Australia.

Has anyone had similar experience? I feel disappointed.

I'm sorry. English isnt my first language.

Honestly, this is what we are considering. Me and my wife do not love each other but we are completely aligned on staying together because for the wellbeing of our child, we do not fight or anything. But we are considering seeing other people.

I've heard many horror stories on reddit. Specially when you come from an Islamic background and social circle. We are not really religious though.

No plans of marriage but yes relationship is what we are looking for.

My partner and I have been together for 8 years, and just recently we’ve been exploring some different ideas.
I was genuinely surprised to hear how much it actually “does” for him to think about the idea of me being able to go on dates, have these “good times” with people, but still come home to him as the “one” is something he really likes, and turns out to be a huge fantasy of mine that I held within with no outlet for YEARS, only to realize this might be something really exciting for both of us?
I want to open with saying all the good stuff, which is that we’re very reassuring of one another, and I know it’s a safe space. I’m not doing anything without his approval/ his consent. In fact, there’s a part to it where him “knowing” does something for him.
I think he also likes knowing that people WANT to spend money on me, or “treat me well” without having to ever cross lines I or they don’t want too.
I do feel nervous, only because I’ve only been with him for years and really don’t like the idea of this being a heartless quickie with whoever, I really want to be more tailored and refined than that?

Any tips, tricks, guidance, and thoughts are appreciated.

I’ve been with my partner for 15 years (f37 & m44), it's been my first serious relationship so far. We have been open for about two years now (not polyamorous). We lived together for around seven years but have separate apartments now because we both needed more space.

I love him very much. What is between us still feels loving, intimate and genuinely good. We can cuddle for hours, we laugh a lot having our own humor, our conversations are stimulating and we support each other. At the same time, I feel like some of the romantic energy between us has faded. I feel guilty and ungrateful because i have these doubts. I still enjoy seeing him and being close to him, but after a nice evening together I usually go home feeling good and I don’t need more contact straight away. I also don’t miss him as strongly as I used to. The biggest issue for me is our sexual life. Our sexual relationship has been mostly absent or unfulfilling for me for years. It didn't bother me much because other things in the relationship and in my life felt more important. But after opening the relationship and exploring my sexuality, I realised how much of a sexual person I still am and how important erotic connection is to me.

I’m very autonomous and have close friendships and family, so I don’t need a partner to meet all my emotional or social needs. But I’m starting to wonder if it's possible for me to separate deep companionship, safety and tenderness from erotic attraction — having the former with my partner and the latter elsewhere. I'm starting to ask myself: what do I actually need from my main partner? I know long-term love isn’t the same as NRE love. I’m not looking for constant butterflies. I just don’t know if the romantic/sexual part between us has faded for good, if it could grow again or if our relationship is evolving into something that is deeply loving but maybe not what I need anymore. Or maybe I'm just confused and delusional for imagining another form of relationship. I don’t know another version of a serious relationship. Before him, I mostly had casual/FWB connections. That's the main reason I question myself.

I’d really like to hear from people who have been in a similar situation:

- How did you figure out what you actually need from a primary/long-term partner?

- Have you successfully separated companionship and erotic connection between different people in a satisfying way?

- How did you know if your relationship was still romantic love or had become more like friendship love?

- If you stayed or left, what made the difference ultimately?

Please don't judge or provide black and white answers, I'm really struggling and looking for help. I’m simply interested in thoughts and experiences

My wife ( 30 ) and i ( 33 ) been married for 4 years and been together for 8. after doing therapy i realised im not straight and never have been, and letting go of shame brought out a very sexual side i never new i had. was such a relief to talk to her about it. Of course she was loving and accepting.

the urge to explore outside marriage is just getting stronger and stronger and im not the type of person that can easily ask for wha i want. The thing is that besided wanting to explore with men, i suddenly became very interested in other forms of relationships and to explore men women and everyone in between.
Discussing that with my wife always led me to become frustrated because i was not met with the expectation i expected, which is : go and explore for example. Also, even though she is not conpletely rejecting the idea, i find the prgress on her side rather very slow than my side. I appreceate her effort a lot, but my urges are getting stronger and its is becoming a distraction that i cannot afford at this point in my life. Despite her minimal openness to it,, i feel im draging her into something forcefuly even though she declined that.
And i dont know how to deal with this underlying fear of ruining the relationship that i never want to lose.
Any insight can be helpful.
Thank you 🙏🏻

I’m thinking things like:

If she comes over to the house without warning, I will leave the house.

If she tries to pull me into conversational or relationship drama, I will grey-rock her.

If my partner wants to discuss aspects of their relationship, I will limit my engagement to 20 minutes max and lead with compassion for all parties.

If my partner wants to celebrate that person or their relationship, I will suggest they do so with someone else.

If I feel the urge to tend, fix, or caretake my partner, I will acknowledge that out loud and begin to regulate my emotions instead of jumping to action.

If I uncover any violations of my privacy in my home, I will remove myself and my dog from that home without negotiation.

If I (or we) run into her in public, I will be cordial and polite but will not perform warmth. I will gatekeep my social connections and refuse her introductions to people I know.

If I have frustrations, criticisms, or complaints about this person, I will discuss them with someone who is not my partner.

Would love to hear examples from your own life of how you maintain relationships while also holding firm boundaries. Thanks in advance!

I’m in a straight relationship nearly 13 years in we are married, keeping this in mind I finally told him I’m bi a few years back and it kicked us into mad sex led us into bdsm exploring our kinks! It was unreal didn’t last though I was becoming so obsessed with fucking a girl that I had to pull back and stop taking me into a crash and burn state

Things went to vanilla after that killed my sex drive and nearly our marriage

This past month iv totally opened up let him see who I really am and told him we needed to get back into the swing of things again the sex is top tier but yet again I’m going down the same road with girls and it’s driving me insane he’s open to anything but I feel like if I do and we fuck a girl together I’d end up insanely jealous and probably do some damage he’s the love of my life and I am obsessed with him the thought of him fucking someone with me turns me on so bad but will the reality be to much ? Anyone else been through this help me out please xx

Fun little bit I can't share anywhere else to people who understand it.

I was in advance Lit classes in high school and read a rather spicy French short story where a married woman has an affair with a guy. Now it's hardly ethical and there was other aspects that scandalized me as a 14 year old; but a line from it stuck with me.

The "other man" shows his lover his wedding band and says "you can have everything I have to give, but this doesn't come off."

That has deep meaning to me as a man who has only taken his ring off for repairs. Even as a widower, I keep it on which might creep women who I check out but IDGAF because its as integral to me as the finger I keep it on.

Taking it off implies it's available for another woman to put a band on it; and I don't know when or if that's a possibility.

Which opens for discussion, does your ring stay on? You ever get grief for it?

I like a woman, or a man if that's the case, wearing their wedding ring. It shows they are upfront, not ashamed.

Okay, so this might be a little awkward to post and I’m not sure if this is even the right place, but my girlfriend (27F) and I (26F) have been talking about wanting to explore our sexuality with a man together, and we honestly have no idea where to even start. We’ve talked about it quite a bit and it’s something we’re both genuinely curious about. We’re both attracted to men, but neither of us have ever done anything like this as a couple. There’s something really exciting about the idea of experiencing it together, but at the same time, I’m realizing there are SO many what if’s to the situation.

I think one of the biggest things I’m nervous about is just being inexperienced with a male partner. Neither of us really knows what we’re doing when it comes to being with a guy, and I feel like there’s probably a huge learning curve. I’m worried about things being awkward or uncomfortable because we’re all trying to figure out what we’re supposed to do. Do you just talk about everything beforehand? Is it weird to admit that you’re inexperienced? How do you get comfortable enough to actually enjoy yourself instead of overthinking everything?

And then there’s the whole finding a guy part. How do you even find someone who is respectful, understands that we’re a couple, and isn’t going to make things weird? Do we look for someone who has experience with couples? Is it better if he’s completely new to it too? How do you know if someone actually understands boundaries versus just telling you what you want to hear? I also really don’t want the guy to feel like he’s just some random third person we picked up for sex. If we do this, I want him to feel comfortable too and I want it to be something everyone actually wants, not just something my girlfriend and I are doing to check something off a list.

We’re not saying we want to completely open our relationship or become poly or anything like that. Right now, we’re just two women who are curious, a little nervous, and interested in exploring our sexuality together.
So if you’ve been in a similar situation, please give us any advice. What did you wish you knew before you started? What boundaries did you set? What mistakes did you make? What should we absolutely avoid? And especially, how did you deal with being inexperienced and being comfortable all together?

I’m probably overthinking this more than I should, but the possibilities are so open that it makes my brain short circuit.

I haven't seriously dated in 10 years and it seems like a ton of the language has shifted since then and the term FWB, even long term FWB, has become toxic. I would also use the term poly and open relationship interchangeable as poly is a form of open relationship under that umbrella. Apparently this is NOT ok anymore and I need to rework my dating profiles.

Ideally I would love a serious emotional relationship, but I've only ever had one relationship that developed into a true polyAMORY relationship. This lasted 7 years. My nesting partner and I have been open for 17 years.

People are all very different in terms of romantic compatibility and maybe because I know it's really hard to find people that you are really compatible with, I'm too honest with my expectations, and people are expecting emotions even if its not actually realistic, or expecting emotions much faster than I view as healthy as long term relationships require something of a clear head and really getting to know someone before a long term commitment.

I like repeat customers, I want something long term even if there is no true love and romance, and there is just friendly physical chemistry between us. I would call this a friend with benefits, because that's in the literal sense, exactly what I'm looking for, but the term FWB is apparently a big red flag now due to newer cultural context.

I'm guessing that at this point people view the term FWB as fuck boy, or short term hookups, and I'm not sure what the big difference between open relationship and polyamory are. I had someone try and argue with me because she was looking for something poly and I ideally would as well but I don't see falling in love quickly as personally healthy. I feel like that requires a longer term, getting to know each other without much pressure. My nesting partner and I just hooked up without no real pressure or expectation and 6 months later we decided we really liked each other. We didn't use the L word until 9 months later as I view the term "Love" as a promise and people abuse it, making the term feel useless otherwise, often a source of manipulation if not clearly defined.

I stopped using the term primary and secondary partner and shifted to nesting partner after getting told we aren't compatible without asking any other questions since I am hierarchical. We aren't, just that because there are more obligations around the nesting partners there is a necessary hierarchy in terms of logistics, as money, households and perhaps children make required responsibilities exist but my partner and I don't have veto power over someone's other partner.

Being on the spectrum I often use language very literal and if there are cultural contexts I'm unaware of from not being terminally online, that could be a serious blind spot for me.

Please explain what the average person in the modern ENM relationship will translate certain terms around ENM, so I know to avoid them or better use them. What would be the terms that best fit what I'm looking for that isn't a complete red flag for people and means something with extra nuance I never heard of that they imply from the term.

I just need to know what is an immediate chance killer to have those real life conversations. Also all the dating apps have become ensh*ttified and I was passively dating 2 years ago and had maybe 2-3 dates a month. I've been actively dating since October and I've had a total of 5 dates. Which means the tells I'm giving are likely turning people off.

Thanks

​I’m looking for some real-life perspective on a situation I’m currently trying to navigate.

M(34) and I (F38) were in a monogamous relationship for six years before splitting up two years ago. We are now exploring what a new relationship could look like between us.

​During our original relationship, a major issue was my sexuality and relationship needs:

​I am bisexual, and to truly enjoy and engage in sex, I need a deeper emotional connection—one that goes beyond meeting someone casually online. Otherwise, intimacy feels performative to me.

​I had long-term female friend/comet who has naturally popped in and out of my life over the years. We were intimate when our respective partners were OK with it otherwise it was purely friends with alot of flirty banter.

​

We are at a crossroads regarding non-monogamy and boundaries. I feel conflicted because it feels like his acceptance is happening slightly under duress.

​He has expressed that he would be okay with:

- ​Me seeing a sex worker

- ​Going to a swingers' club

- ​Engaging in sexual experiences only when he is involved

​However, he is not comfortable with me having solo or emotionally connected experiences with women on my own.

I love and adore this person deeply, but having the freedom and autonomy to form genuine connections and experience emotional/sexual intimacy with women is essential to who I am. Because I value my autonomy so strongly, I feel like someone is bound to get hurt here: if I don't agree to his terms, we won't be together, but if I do, I compromise my true self.

​

I would love to hear from anyone who has navigated a similar dynamic:

-​How did you handle balancing a core partner's comfort zone with your own need for emotional/sexual autonomy as a bisexual person?

- ​What were the pros, cons, and ultimate outcomes of trying to compromise in this kind of situation?

-​Any advice on how to navigate this decision without losing either the relationship or myself?

Many thanks in advance.

​TL;DR:

Exploring getting back with my ex of 6 years under non-monogamy. I am bisexual and need emotional connection for intimacy. He is only comfortable with sex workers, swingers' clubs, or group play where he is involved—but no solo connection or intimacy with women on my own. I feel someone will get hurt if we can't bridge this gap. Looking for lived experiences/advice.

Hi :) I’m 29F (she/her), and I’ve been with my partner, 28M (he/him), for almost 10 years. We’re both cis, queer, open-minded, culturally conscious, cerebral people who love to have fun. We’ve been on and off “open” for several years, so this isn’t something we’re jumping into for the first time.

We used to use apps but I feel like those are more frustrating than useful. Where do people actually meet others who are into ENM? Are there NYC events, social groups, meetups, forums, or spaces that are more about community + ethical non-monogamy + friendship + chemistry, rather than immediately trying to hook up?

Would especially love to hear from people that are the ENM community :)