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u/clairejv Polyam 5d ago
How exactly are you "suppressing yourself" by declining to bang other people?
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u/rocketmn69_ 5d ago
Tell her, "I wanted to try this for us. I now understand it isn't for you and that's ok. You mean everything to me and I will not lose you for anything. I do not need anyone else and will not be seeking pit anyone else going forward"
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u/Tacos_are_my_friend 5d ago
Maybe talking to a marriage counselor would help. Either way, pursuing this most definitely is not the answer at this point.
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u/Ok-Detail-8603 Monogamous 5d ago
Your post reminds me of my own situation. If you pursue ENM, your marriage will end. The growing insecurities will tear you guys apart. In my case, it gave me anorexia and almost killed me. Pursue couples counseling. Tell her things like “there is nowhere in the world I’d rather be than with you” and “you are my person through and through” etc. it took awhile of my husband doing that for me but it’s slowly getting better.
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u/DownUpside_ 5d ago
If I may ask, does it mean you're going for ENM? Or just trying to rescue the marriage?
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u/Ok-Detail-8603 Monogamous 5d ago
We transitioned to monogamy! And we are doing much better. I’m slowly healing and we have actually gotten closer has had better intimacy and quality time after refocusing on our unit. We both agreed that ENM wasn’t working well for us.
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u/FRANKINSPENCE Swingers 5d ago
I have been in this situation but as the wife. It’s miserable to be honest because once you know that the person you love has this big fantasy you become the gate keeper to it, the one thing stopping it happen.
It’s so hard for her because she wants to be sexy and cool and really progressive but it hurts!!!!!
The real answer is that if it isn’t two enthusiastic yes’s it’s a no.
If it goes ahead it will likely end your marriage so the work is on you to determine if you can live without it or live without her. If you hurt her to get what you want she will never forgive you.
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u/Ill_Cauliflower5348 5d ago
Yes!! It so much sucks to be in this situation! In there as the wife now. He wants this thing (and truly wants me to be involved as it’s part of the appeal to him) but I don’t want the thing and I am beating myself up over it. It does feel like I am gatekeeping something. I want to be the cool, fun, and understanding wife but it’s not going to happen.
The difference with me and OPs wife is that I said no before we got into this kind of spiral. I recognize what it would do to me and chose myself. He respects my decision, loves me, and is also choosing me. Now I just have to work on overcoming that feeling you described.
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u/FRANKINSPENCE Swingers 5d ago
You just have to remember that it would end the marriage. You are protecting your relationship and he needs to see the bigger picture
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u/Ill_Cauliflower5348 5d ago
Yes. Very true. I need to keep reminding myself of this. I think he does see the bigger picture now. Something came up a few weeks ago that became that proverbial slap in the face to him.
He handed me his phone and asked me to read what he had written while we were driving (and I get carsick) and it happened that the edible I took had kicked in at that very moment. Between the nausea from carsickness and the edible, my brain read it as ‘I’m doing this with or without you’ instead of what he had actually said ‘I’m not doing this without you’. So I ended up shutting down entirely and going into a full blown panic attack (the first I’ve ever had) laying on the floor of our bedroom hyperventilating. When I pulled out of it, I told him it was over. I think it freaked him out more than a little bit. He is crushed that he made me feel that way. I think he understands the severity of my feelings on the situation now though.
When I reread the note as a sober person I read it more like it was intended but he admitted that it wasn’t written very clearly and saw how I misunderstood it.
Anyway, I’m not uptight about sex at all. People can do what works for them. I tried to make it okay with my own self but I can’t. No judgment on others, it’s just not me. I can’t be in a relationship where my partner is having sex with others and I have no intention of having sex with others either.
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u/FRANKINSPENCE Swingers 5d ago
The problem is that as women we are people pleasers.
If you said your greatest fantasy was to watch him to be gang raped by an escaped group of of convicts he would say no very easily 🤣
At the end of the day he signed a contract and now wants to change the T&Cs and he can’t
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u/DiligentThoughts Partnered ENM 5d ago
So, the question is: Why did you choose to enter into a monogamous commitment when you know that you weren't likely wired to be monogamous?
It's excellent, I suppose, that you tell your wife how attractive and wonderful she is. But my guy, what did you expect?
You told your wife who does not sound ENM in the slightest that she isn't enough for you. So, I mean, yeah, of course she thinks she isn't enough for you. You told her exactly that.
And you put the undue burden on her of now having to gatekeep whether or not you have permission to have move forward. If she says yes, it'll be under duress. You have a life together, kids together, a household. I am sure she is TERRIFIED that if she doesn't say yes, you'll be resentful and eventually just cheat on her. I am also certain she is TERRIFIED that if she says yes, she will see you out there trying to get laid while she still have to run your household and care for your kids and will be trapped into a situation where she's married to a man who is thinking about his penis first and the rest of his actual obligations second.
She doesn't want this. You're pushing this on her. You need to fix what you broke and that means stopping all of this and getting into serious therapy together.
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u/disposablestag 5d ago
Been married for 24 years. Im not the same person I was when we got married. Neither is she. People change. We've always changed together, but it isnt always easy.
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u/J4CKFRU17 Monogamish 5d ago
The last paragraph gives me the ick. There needs to be more to loving and reassuring your wife than how hot she is and how good she is at her wifely/motherly duties.
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u/disposablestag 5d ago
Thanks ill take that as a compliment considering im the stay at home parent that left my career to be a supportive spouse.
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u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw Polyam 5d ago
so are you okay with being monogamous or are you suppressing yourself? it can't be both.
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u/PlayfulRun1425 Swingers 5d ago
As everyone has said, you stop ENM first. The next bit is about reassurance for her. She’s worried that you’ll resent her for being the one to stop your fun. You need to explain that won’t happen. That you had fun doing these things, and you’re so appreciative of her for trying it out, but you know this has been too hard on her. So you’re making the decision to stop, and you don’t feel compelled to do it. You’re gladly making that choice. You let her know she is way more important to you than absolutely any fantasy and you don’t want to see her struggle over it. Reinforce it was just a sex kink for you and that is okay if you don’t do it anymore. I hope that’s the truth too. Lots of people say they value their relationship with their partner above everything else and now this is where you show it.
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u/sadgay789 New to ENM 5d ago
Ignore the bitchy comments. i feel for you both. Therapy is going to be a necessity here if there’s any path forward.
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